We teach people how to treat us.
31 Jan 2011 3 Comments
in Health & Happiness Tags: Dr Phil, happiness, self-help
Remember I wrote about this in my last post? I googled it because I wasn’t sure I had the quote right.
Well guess what? It’s even one of Dr. Phil’s Life Laws. Cool.
Life Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.
Strategy: Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don’t. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others’ behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.
Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship “reopened for negotiation” at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
It’s not all his fault.
30 Jan 2011 6 Comments
in Codependent, Marriage Tags: ACOA, codependent, Marriage is Hard
What’s my part in this mess we have made of our marriage?
It takes two right. Yes. I am not blameless.
Well….I am codependent – so all the stuff that goes along with that. I had my own issues coming into this relationship. I brought my own baggage.
I was too nice. I let him get away with being rude and in charge for too long. I’m not being sarcastic here – I mean that.
People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. Isn’t that how the saying goes?
Being so “nice” and agreeable cheated me. It also cheated him. I quit being me and started just trying to do whatever needed to be done to make him happy. Now I’m not talking extreme things here – I just mean things like I bit my tongue instead of speaking up when I had a different opinion about something. Or I didn’t do things that I knew he wouldn’t like – things like going out with friends, etc. I’m not a person that likes to “go out” anyway, but I really just quit hanging out with my friends. Not all because of him, also because we had a young family and I was exhausted . I was happy to just stay home. But I kinda lost myself. I also quit working to be a stay at home mom when I got pregnant with Kid2. (That was my goal and I don’t regret it. )
I didn’t want any conflicts, I just wanted peace.
I remember a real low point when it struck me how much I had let this change me.
Hubby has always been a jealous guy. He just is. I think he thinks I’m supposed to be flattered by that. I’m not flattered. I’m annoyed.
My friend and I used to exercise together in the mornings after we got the kids off to school. We would walk 3-4 miles on the trail in our town. We walked in all kinds of weather. Well one day we went and there was so much snow on the trail. It was just silly to even try to walk there. And it was slippery. She said let’s just walk around town instead. And I immediately had thoughts like – omg – I can’t do that! Hubby will be pissed. I felt like a child who would get in trouble for hanging out in town past their curfew or something!
We didn’t walk that day. We went back to her place and had cappuccino instead. :) Soon after that the situation came up again. I was ready for it. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got that I let it get to that point. Here I was, a grown woman who felt like she needed permission to walk around town instead of on the trail?!?!? That’s insane. I can walk wherever I want to walk dammit! And so we did. And you know what? His mom drove past and waved at us and my first thought was omg she’s gonna tell on me. Now seriously! How sad is that!
So of course I told hubby we walked around town instead cuz their was ice on the trail. I tried to just say it casually like it was no big deal cuz I really wanted to see how he would react. He was mad. His reasons? “You don’t need to be hanging out in town” “That will just lead to trouble.” It really made me angry. We fought a lot after this. For weeks it seemed. I was so angry that my hubby did not trust me. My friend lives in town. And I had been parking at her house and we would walk 3 blocks over to get to the trail. We had been doing that for a long time before this. I guess hubby didn’t realize that before and so I told him that too and he was so mad. And that made me madder. I just kept saying he better come with me anywhere I was going cuz I might have to take the sidewalk. Yea, I was being a smart alec. But are you kidding me? You don’t trust me to be able to walk through town without having an affair? You think you can actually tell me not to walk there?!? You think I should listen to you?!?! You are crazy.
Now I will say here that we live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone’s business. And not long before this a mutual friend of ours had just gotten busted for stopping in at someone’s house and actually having an affair on her walks. Sad but true. She is a great person. Our age. Apparently just miserable in her marriage. And for the record, she is in great shape. She was always walking! Lol (They have since reconciled and are working on their marriage FYI) Anyway, maybe that got him worried….
Another thing about his jealousy – he has cheated on me before. Not while we were married. We started going out in high school. I was in 10th grade, he was in 11th. I put up with a lot of crap from him that I never should have. My home life sucked and I think I just really needed to be loved. And that’s what ACOAs do. We put up with more crap than we should. We forgive people when we shouldn’t. We don’t walk away when we should. Back to the point… The people who are so jealous are the ones that can’t be trusted right? That’s his history though, not mine.
I remember my cousin saying to me that it seemed like way too much trouble to go through with someone you weren’t even married to yet.
She was right. She came from a healthy family and has a healthy marriage now. She could see it clearly. I could not. My family was not pleased when I agreed to marry him. But he was so very sorry for cheating on me. And I was just so in love with him. We stuck it out all through college and got married when I graduated. We even went to counseling before we were married. He was trying so hard to make it up to me. I love him. I gave him another chance.
I used to say that I knew we should be together because even when I was in so much pain because of him, the person that I wanted to hug and be comforted by was him. Looking back now… Wow. I was really messed up.
So now I am trying to teach him how to treat me all over again. I guess that’s what I’m doing. Change is hard. But I’m praying it’s worth it.
A Shopping Day for Hubby
30 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
Yesterday hubby went to do some errands & shopping. One purchase needed to be made yesterday or our points expire. He called while he was out, he went to the wrong store. Ok he said, guess I’m headed to the other place. Other place is about 15 minutes away from where he already was. Then he called and said “What’s worse than going to the wrong store?” I said “Forgetting your wallet?” Nope. He didn’t have the rewards card with him.
I have to say I am surprised that he wasn’t all ticked off when he called. He actually sounded calm. Disgusted, yes. But not mean.
So he came home, got it and headed back out – the store is a good 1/2 hour from our house. A whole lot of running around. A big pain in the neck it turned into, right? Yep. When he came back for the rewards card I expected him to be mean. He came in the door, I handed him the card, he kinda rolled his eyes and made a face and left again. Hope he’s not a total crab when he gets back.
The fact that he didn’t have the card with him is both of our faults I guess. We only have one for this store and we have to share it and pass it back and forth. It was in my wallet. I didn’t think about that before he left. Neither did he. Since he is spending all of our “points” tonight, it is probably a good time to apply for a new card and start over so we can get a new set and both have one. Somewhere along the way he lost his or threw his away or something. We didn’t used to shop at this store much so it was an issue. It just became an issue I think, don’t you? lol
Update:
He wasn’t a crab when he got back. He made a comment about us really needing to get 2 cards and then said he guessed it was all worth it because we saved a bunch of money.
REALLY? How can this not have ticked him off and a half-eaten box of chocolates in the cupboard does ???
I’m glad he handled it well. That’s awesome. But I just don’t get it.
See, this is part of the problem. There is no way of knowing when he will blow or what will set him off. So you walk on eggshells. Fun.
A Jerk and a Box of Chocolates.
27 Jan 2011 4 Comments
in Marriage Tags: communication, Marriage is Hard
Ack. Tonight didn’t go so good.
There has been more happiness in this house and on hubby’s face for the past few weeks. I do think we are making progress. He really has been kinder. Yesterday and today though there were moments when his bad mood was bursting through. I would see it and think oh crap here we go. Guess it was fun while it lasted. I mean give me hope and rip it out from under me right? That seems to be the pattern.
So I was on the lookout for it I guess. And it was making me mad. “It” being his bad mood and rude remarks. During supper he was kind of a jerk, picking on the kids about everything. Just having no patience and being sarcastic about everything. I asked him what was wrong was he tired or something. I tried to make my point and give him a hint that he should knock it off. No, I’m not perfect. Bad moods are part of life. His are just mean though and I refuse to deal with them again.
So tonight after supper he was looking in the cupboard for something sweet to eat. He found a box of chocolates that have been in there for at least 3 weeks. You know, these boxes have some yummy ones like caramel flavors and yucky ones like cherry flavored filling. People have been picking at them, like I said they have been there a good while. He opened it and just flipped. He started yelling that “this was bullshit and why would a person have done that? Someone ate some from the top layer and then picked the good ones out of the bottom layer. You don’t do that! You eat the top before you eat the bottom! ” And on and on. Like we are evil people because we ate the kinds we liked. And he was yelling. Who yells and swear about something like that? Stupid if you ask me. And as far as I know, people DO eat them that way anyway!
By this time I had had enough so I yelled at him that he should go live by himself and everything could be all his and all his way and then he’d be happy. And that was the only way any of us would ever be happy.
I was so mad! I put my dishes in the sink and stomped away. Yep. I’m not proud. I have never said anything like that in front of my kids before. Never anything like him living somewhere else. I do wish I would have handled it better. BUT… I am done. I am not going to sit there and be helpless to do anything. I do not care if he gets mad at me. Let’s face it, he’s always mad anyway! I do not care if he gets so mad he leaves me. Somedays I might even say I am hoping that happens! SO, if he acts like a jerk, I’m gonna call him on it. I do wish I would have used different words. Yes. But other than that I am gonna keep standing up to him.
And of course when he is mad at me or he knows I am mad at him… he is so extra sweet to the kids. Just to look like the good guy so they think I am the psycho one. Trust me. They know he is the one who is acting like a jerk. I’m not worried about it. But I will say it was weird at our house tonight after that. I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. He walked around acting like everything is fine, but still ignoring me. I cleaned some things and did some paper work. And then got on the treadmill for the 2nd time today just cuz I needed to do something!
Finally we had a moment when it was just the 2 of us in the room and I said to him “Wanna talk about this or should we just keep ignoring each other?” He said we should ignore each other. Okey Dokey. But that broke the ice and we talked. I told him I’m done with sitting there acting like everything is fine when he is acting like a jerk and I’m gonna tell him about it. He said I was a bigger jerk for flipping out and saying what I did. I said I’d try to tell him in a nicer way when he is being a jerk. He said he’d try harder not to be a jerk.
What’s that there at the end of this ridiculous story of my life? Communication? Could be.
He’s making a point.
27 Jan 2011 4 Comments
in Marriage Tags: Marriage is Hard
I’m just not sure what it is.
If you’ve been here before, you know that I asked hubby to move out not too long ago. Well he didn’t move out and it seemed to work like a kick in the pants for him to actually TRY to save our marriage. It’s been almost a month since that happened. Things are a little better. Not great. A little better.
He must be thinking about everything this week. He’s made some comments that surprised me. It’s like he is making a point to let me know that life is better with us together. Or at least living in the same house.
Example 1 – The furnace died the other night about 4am. He got home from work just before 8am and was able to fix it. He was very proud of himself. And I was too. And grateful for the heat. He made a point to tell me how awesome it was that he could fix it. And said “See, you would have had to call someone to fix it and they would not have gotten here for hours and it would have cost you 100 bucks.”
Now this didn’t hit me right away. I was getting kids ready for school, brushing hair, finding shoes, etc. I just said something like Yea, I’m so glad you can fix things…. or something like that to him. Later it hit me that he was pointing out what I would have had to do if he wasn’t around. And why it was good that he is still here.
Example 2 – I made a comment about a child we know who is really starting to misbehave and be mean to other kids. He said. “Yea. Because her parents just split. She’s all messed up.”
OK. Another point made.
My hubby doesn’t talk a lot about things other than tractors or engines or tools…. So for him to make comments like this really is out of character.
I think its good. Right? Hopefully it is good. Hopefully this has all just sunk in and he wants to remind me why I should want him here?
Or maybe he is beginning to feel resentful about me asking him to leave. I was surprised that it didn’t just tick him off before. He handled it much better than I expected. Maybe now it is starting to bug him. Maybe now he will get angry and the silent treatment will begin.
I hate that I can’t just see this as a positive. I wish I just thought “Wow. He’s happy to be here. He’s gonna keep trying and work on this marriage with me so we can fix it and be happy.”
I guess I’ll have to just wait and see.
Sometimes Being Honest is just Being Mean
25 Jan 2011 3 Comments
in Marriage Tags: Marriage is Hard
Some people think they can say anything in the name of honesty.
But when you hurt someone with your words, it’s just mean.
A boy texted Kid1 and asked her to “go with him”. She said no. He asked her why. She said she didn’t know. He asked her why again. She told him “cuz ur weird”.
Now that wasn’t nice. It wasn’t horrible either though. I mean don’t keep bugging a girl who told you no, right?
That got me thinking. Don’t lie. Be honest. These are things we teach our kids. But as adults we often tell lies. I’m sure you can think of a few. Most recently I told my daughter the store was out of the snack she wanted to take to school and I got something else. Why did I do that? Cuz the stuff she wanted cost 3 times as much. Why didn’t I tell her the truth? Well in this case, because it was just easier. We were pulling up to the school, my son was also trying to tell me something and the other kid in my car had just accidentally dumped all his beyblades all over the floor and was having a fit. I needed a quick answer that she would not argue with me about or complain about or tell me I’m the worst mom ever about. It just came out. Call it a lie of convenience.
It’s real life & I think we all need to use a filter. If I told my hubby every thought I had about him in the name of “being honest” he would have left me long ago. And I really do not want to hear every thought he has about me! No thanks!
He is blunt. I hear enough. I hear how his way of doing something is smarter. He’s just being honest by telling me this of course. I hear how the supper I just made tastes icky. I didn’t need to hear that. I hated having to cook and I did it anyway, don’t smack me in the face with it. You don’t really like the picture your kid drew for you? Do you really need to tell him that? Umm. no. That’s just mean.
Hubby loves to tell me how he would have done it differently. Whatever it is. “It” has been countless things. I just can’t win.
My Ta-Da List!
24 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: bleachers
Todays’ schedule:
4:00 am – be rudely waken by smoke alarms even though there was no fire. Cannot make them stop so I disconnect them all and take them down from the ceiling.
5:55 am – phone call from loving relative to tell us kids have a 2 hour delay. Realize we have no heat. Push reset button on furnace and do the few things hubby has taught me. They don’t work. Text hubby to tell him the good news.
6:30 am – Hubby calls for more info. Makes plans to get supplies on his way home from work. Kid3 is awake and cold and crawls in bed with me and the heating blanket.
7:35 am – get up and make tea in the coffee pot, heat oven and cook some tator tots for breakfast. I did this just because I wanted to cook something and get some heat in the kitchen.
7:45 – Hubby gets home and saves the day with an additive for the fuel and does all sorts of unknown things to the furnace and has it running again in 30 minutes. Yay hubby.
8:00 – Kids eat breakfast and finish watching the football game we DVR’d the night before. They LOVED having tator tots and warm tea with yummy french vanilla creamer for breakfast :) They almost forgot to be cold. 54 degrees in the house at the time.
9:10 am – drive Kid1 out to the bus.
9:30 am – Hubby turns on the heating blanket and goes to bed.
10:00 am – Drive Kids 2 & 3 out to the bus.
10:20 am – Ahhhhh. Take a break. Yea, right. It’s already after 10:00! Start laundry and run dishwasher. Get some hot tea and a bagel and head to my office. Get to work! But first scheduling the week, making dr appts, etc. Too many phone calls taking too long. Mondays are always like this. Its like catch up day.
Noon – Heat up some leftovers. Get a bit overwhelmed by the day and how little progress I’m making. Decided to be even less productive and write a post to vent about my anxiety. This takes time away from my paid work. But I have decided that it is important to my health and happiness to deal with this crap instead of pretending it doesn’t exist. So I vented. A lot.
2:00 pm – Take 1/4 an ativan and watch an episode of 19 Kids & Counting. Hoping to be able to relax and let go of some anxiety.
2:30 pm – actually focus on work for about half an hour.
3:10 pm – Meet kid1 at bus stop and drive her home. Usually she walks – but it was like 13 degrees or something. Discuss homework and ideas about how to write a poem around the word “acquittal”.
4:10 pm – Get kids 2 & 3 from bus and drive home.
4:30 pm – Hubby gets up. I start supper and we help with homework.
5:00 – Eat dinner together. Kid2 is grumpy and kinda mean – she is very nervous about the evening ahead of her and is trying to get out of it :)
5:45 pm – I leave with Kids 1 & 2 and pick up Kid2′s BFF.
5:55 pm – Drop Kid2 and BFF off at basketball practice.
6:00 pm – Kid 1 & I go to club meeting.
6:20 pm – Hubby takes Kid3 to his basketball game.
7:00 pm – Kid 1, me, and Kid1′s BFF leave meeting and hurry over to see last 10 minutes of Kid3′s basketball game.
7:20 pm – We all go to high school where Kid2 is having basketball practice and is going to play at half time of the Varsity game tonight. Hubby sees how crowded it is and bails. Thanks hubby. He takes kid3 home with him. So yes, I go. Me – the one with the panic attacks and mega-fear of sitting in crowded bleachers. Kid1 and her BFF come too – they are SO excited to be there and go join their friends. I find Kid2′s BFF’s mom and sit with her. We thought Kid2 was supposed to play at half time of the earlier Jr Hi game, but no, this is happening at half time of the varsity game – which is just now beginning….. LOL…. glad we didn’t miss it. Not glad that this night just got longer. (took a whole ativan about an hour before this when I heard the wonderful news.)
7:30 pm – Game begins. Very crowded, Very enthusiastic crowd. Very fun actually. I start to feel hot. Yikes. Need to shift gears a minute and stop it before it starts cuz am doing great otherwise. Leave auditorium and go call my BFF :) She laughs hysterically at my night and swears she would join me if only she wasn’t baby-sitting. Wasted some time on the phone and go back into game.
8:15 pm – Half time finally arrives. Kid2 does AWESOME. It’s over in like 3 minutes. ha. She joins me in the bleachers. We watch until the end of the 3rd quarter and even though no one else wants to, we leave.
8:30 pm – Drop off Kid1′s BFF and go home! Ugh.
9:00 pm – Kids 2 & 3 are showered and (almost) in bed. I clean up the kitchen and pack hubby a lunch
9:45 – Kid 1 finishes her homework and showers and is off to bed.
9:50 pm – Hubby leaves for work.
10:00 pm – I sat down here and felt the need to type up all we have accomplished today. You know how some people call their TO DO list their Ta-Da List. Like Ta-Da! Look what I got done today. I needed a Ta-Da list today.
Oh – and bleachers, panic attack….? Nope. Felt a little uneasy a time or two. Got out my camera for some wonderful distraction and I made it. Not too hard at all actually. Yea, I was medicated. Hey – you gotta do what ya gotta do. Next time will be easier – and I’ll only take 1/2 an ativan. And I’ll work my way out of it that way. Yay me.
I just want to be normal. Panic attacks suck.
24 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety, panic attacks, venting
Dear Lord,
Please help me to relax. I want to do the things I want to do without fretting about them! Please help me Lord. I want to just be normal. I want to just be able to go do things like I used to. I want to be able to just stop in at the basketball game cuz someone in the car feels like it. When one of my kids says “Hey – let’s go out to dinner tonight!”, I don’t want to immediately tense up and start saying a million reasons why we shouldn’t. They are just excuses. I need to get over this. I want to be able to just enjoy life again.
Yes, I am doing so much better than when this all hit me 4 years ago. SO much better. I have worked hard and it shows. There are only 3 people in this world that even know that I deal with panic attacks at all so I guess I’m doing something right. At least I’m hiding it well. And I’m involved in so much – other people just don’t see the work and effort it takes for me to go all these places and do all these things.
I want to go to church. Dear Lord I keep meaning to go to church! The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I know that. I’ve heard that a million times – from my mom and also in my own head. It just takes so much work to get myself pumped up for it. And then there are so many factors once the decision is made. Kids coming? Hubby refusing to come. Which church? And when I do make that decision I don’t say it out loud because of what if my anxiety is high in the morning? What if I need to back out? So the decision never gets made in the first place. You know I love you Lord. You know I am teaching my kids about you and pray that they love you also. But the guilt is eating away at me. I want my kids to grow up in Sunday school. I need to get that started before it is too late!
And the concert. O my the concert. That’s what triggered this restlessness I feel today! I want to go to the concert and just enjoy it! The thought of standing in that huge crowd, in that long line for hours…. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. What if…? What if ….? It may be fine. And Friday may come and I might feel strong and confident. But it may not. And the people that are going need a decision. They need to fill that spot if I’m not going. I want to go. But I can’t seem to commit to it. I will feel guilt and I will be angry at myself for not going. It will be fine. Of course it will be fine. The anticipation of these events is always much worse. Things always work out better than I expect. But this is a huge step. I have not been to something this big since the panic monster attacked me. Its scary. It has the potential to set me way back. That is ridiculous but true.
Panic attacks are a vicious cycle. The more you have, the harder they are to fight back against. I have come so far. I don’t want to have a full blown attack. It would set me back so far. It’s the feeling that I’m going to pass out that scares me the most. Yes that would be embarrassing. But that isn’t really the part that worries me. What if my kids are with me? How can I take care of my kids in a public place if I have passed out? What if someone takes them? See, I can’t go back to that place. If I actually did pass out – and no, I never have from a panic attack, then wow that would be horrible to fight my way back from.
Many things about the future and these stupid panic attacks worry me. When my kids are older – in just a year or two, I will be sitting thru tons of basketball games in the big bleachers in the school gym. And that also means many awards assemblies in the hot crowded auditorium. I HATE hot crowds and bleachers. Truly I do. Also, our school is small and there are rumors about it closing down and our kids having to go to a larger school in a nearby town…. Ugh. Bigger auditoriums, more orientations, even bigger bleachers…. you get the picture.
Do I sit around and worry about these things all the time? No. Today they are bubbling out of me. Tomorrow I will regret having typed them out loud. I will think – whats the big deal? I hope I do. This stuff just all piles up and overwhelms me sometimes.
Like I have said before…. my ways to combat it are sleep, exercise, vitamins, and ativan – to name a few. My hormones are in overdrive today. That right there is the main reason. Ugh. And sleep. Yikes. Way behind. Our smoke detectors went off at 4am. There was no fire thank the lord, I think the furnace was just having trouble and must have let out of a puff of smoke or something. I could not get them to stop beeping and ending up unhooking them all. lol Then I woke up at 6am with the phone ringing (Hubby’s aunt to tell me kids have a 2 hr delay – really?? wake up the whole house to tell me they can sleep longer???? :) Temps are below zero. As soon as I reached my arm out from under the covers to answer the phone I knew something was wrong. It was freezing! I think the puff of smoke that set off the smoke detectors was the final puff for the furnace because now it was 54 degress in our house. Hubby was able to fix it with some additive in the oil tank – apparently it was just too cold and the oil gelled up? Something like that. The house is still trying to warm back up – we’re at 63 degrees now. Yippee!
Paxil. O my dear Paxil. It worked SO well, too bad it made me so fat :( I gained so much weight on that and I can’t go back there. Diabetes runs in my family, I cannot be overweight like that again. Maybe since I know that is a side effect now I could manage it better. I don’t know. I do know that Paxil cured my anxiety. I was an outgoing person – more than I had ever been in my life. I even threw a bridal shower for my sister and gave a speech and everything. Would NOT have done that before – I have always been shy. Too bad I hate to even look at those pictures because I hate the way I looked. I am often tempted to go back to Paxil. I love the way it worked. I hate the weight gain – but maybe since I am aware of it now I could control it better? And I hated the side effects – especially the withdrawal side effects. omg – they were terrible. But I just want to feel normal and enjoy life. I wish I never again had to think about or work hard to avoid a panic attack. Why can’t it just be easy and why can’t I just relax and enjoy the events in my kids life. And why can’t I just go to church and shut up about it.
Well I just re-read this and I sound like a nut case. I feel a little better already :) See how venting helps. I think perhaps I should not post this. But I will anyway. Maybe there is someone out there having a harder time than I am today. Maybe this will help them feel like they are not alone. I would have appreciated finding this online a few years ago when I was just starting to learn about panic / anxiety. Someone freaking out over panic attacks. Someone I could relate to. So enjoy. Or not. But this is real today.
It’s Monday. Bring it on.
You are not inferior.
22 Jan 2011 1 Comment
in Codependent, Marriage, Tough Quotes Tags: codependent, D Word, hubby, quotes, Thank You Lord
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
We went to a family birthday party today and I talked for quite a while with my very judgmental sister. (Not the one I told you about earlier that suggested the Codependent No More book.) My older sister is Ms. Fix-It. She likes to fix people :) Even when you don’t think you are broken, she will find something that needs to be fixed. I love her dearly. I can deal with her better than my younger sister can. But some days it is still work. Today is was my hair. It needs trimmed and she knows the perfect place to go for it and exactly how I should have it cut. It seemed to be the theme of the party. No thanks.
And hubby’s back is hurting him a lot today – probably because of this snowy weather. So he has been kinda grumpy. He did tell me that it hurts and that’s why he’s being grumpy. That’s amazing for him to acknowledge that. Usually he would just be a bear and I’d ask about his back or something and he would yell at me and we’d have a nasty fight. What a difference a month makes.
He truly seemed shocked that day when I told him I didn’t want to live with him anymore. It wasn’t a fight, it was just a fact. I could not stand to live in the same house as him anymore. And I told him that while I was in the shower Christmas morning I was bawling my head off and just wanted to scream that I wanted a divorce and the only reason I didn’t was so that Christmas would not suck for our kids. That seemed to hit him more than when I told him I was thinking about the D word. He was shocked. He had no idea I was THAT miserable. Guess it seemed more real. It isn’t awesome around here yet. But it is not horrible anymore either. We are really doing better. I can honestly say I am glad he did not leave that day.
Oh! And the other day we actually had a conversation about Christmas day and how he refused to say thanks for the camera. I said what was the deal with that? Why was it so hard for you?? He said I don’t know. I said we are gonna practice - I’m gonna wrap things up and keep giving you gifts until you get better at it! He laughed. I have not done that yet. Forgot about it until now actually. Hmmm. I have a snickers bar I could wrap up. His favorite :) I’ll keep you posted.
Anyway, The quote at the top of the post seems to fit this day.
Judgmental Sister, Grumpy Hubby & Codependent Me.
(Yep, still working my way thru that book.)
THANK YOU LORD for Progress!
I am a Codependent Friend
21 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in Codependent Tags: codependent, friends
I think I may have a codependent relationship with my best friend.
What I mean is that I behave in codependent ways with her too. She isn’t codependent – she is one of the most independent women I know. Go figure. My hubby is another extremely independent person. Seems I am drawn to independent people…. Hmmm….
We used to hang out a lot more than we do now. We used to work together. Well we both worked from our homes – but for the same company. We live about 5 minutes away from each other and have kids similar ages. We would get the kids off to school in the morning and go for a 3-4 mile walk several days a week. We never ran out of things to talk about. We even walked in rain and snow. It was great for our health and a fun way to start the day. Amazing how much more you look forward to exercising if you are doing it with a great friend. We called it our therapy sessions. Then it was back to the grind for the rest of the day – work, kids, hubbys, homework, cooking, cleaning, taxi service, etc.
That changed when she needed to change jobs to get health insurance for her family. It was a hard decision for her. She had always been a stay-at-home mom – then a work-at-home mom. She had a lot of mom guilt.
I tried to just be understanding, but I also felt lost. I felt like I lost my best friend. She sometimes worked 7 days straight and of course when she was not at work her family was her priority, as it should be. Her schedule has gotten a little better since then. But we often talk only about once a week and haven’t gone for a walk in ages. I miss her. Texting is our main form of communication now. We know if we call each other instead of texting that we’ll just talk way too long! Seriously. We talk too long – and there are kids that need homework help, or to be told to get in the shower or to bed, or to be taken to basketball practice, etc. If we gab on the phone, things don’t get done. (Altho I am great at folding laundry while gabbing :)
Anyway, I need to remember that texting a person is like leaving them a message on their answering machine. They will get back to you at their convenience. (I know that is not the way teens look at it – they are on autopilot and immediately respond to any and all texts.)
I often feel dissed when she does not reply.
So I start thinking things like:
I’m bugging her too much. She probably hates to see that she got another text from me. She has new friends now, she doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore. She doesn’t want me to know she has the day off cuz she doesn’t want to hang out with me…. She must be mad at me.
These things build up and finally it gets to me. Once I told her how I was feeling. Guess what? I was wrong :) Sometimes she has time to text on her lunch break, sometimes she doesn’t. Some times she calls me and gabs on her lunch break. When she gets home from work she is exhausted cuz her day started at 4am. Sometimes she comes home and has to deal with the latest teen drama from her daughter and fight with her ADD son to get his homework done. Her mom is also at their house a lot and that adds another layer to it all. Her hubby works away all week so she is basically a single mom thru the week.
These are all things I know about her life. I guess its easy to forget – I kinda get caught up in the lonely me part. I’m not proud of that. I work from home – which means I do not have coworkers or traffic or any of that to deal with. Sometimes it gets lonely here. I am very blessed to be able to work from home. And we are blessed that my hubby’s work provides our health insurance. Working from home was my goal as soon as my first child was born. I would not trade it for anything. Believe it or not, I do not sit around eating junk food and watching tv all day. I really do work. I spend way too much time sitting on my butt, working on this computer. Yea, I have perks like I get to take breaks to change the laundry or clean the bathroom :/. But basically, my computer is my world during the days.
So I guess that is why I text her as much as I do. That’s how I reach out to the world. Some days I just feel like I’m going to burst. Sometimes it gets depressing. She gets it. She used to have this life. She is not bothered by my texts. And she replies when she has a few moments to herself. There are just fewer of those moments in her life now.
My point? I need to stop worry so much about how other people feel.
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