It Has Been a Year
30 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: D Word, happy hubby, husband, marriage improvement, parenting
It has been a year since I told him to move out.
December 27th, 2010 - We had been fighting all day. We had been fighting for years I guess. I had been crying for a long time. Then I was angry for an even longer time. Then I was sad because I didn’t know how to fix it. Then I gave up. Then I got strong and decided I wanted to stand on my own. I told him he should move out. I told him I didn’t want to live with him anymore.
We went back & forth a lot this past year, trying to make it work and wondering if we should just give up.
We are still here.
On Tuesday it was a year since I finally made that decision and took a stand. I read somewhere that if you decide that you want a divorce, wait one whole year after you have made that decision to act on it. If you still want a divorce after that year, then you will be more prepared because you had all that time to get your finances etc together and come to terms with it. Obviously the hope though is that you won’t still want that divorce. So I have waited a year. I fully expected to be separated from my husband by now, or at least to be very soon. I knew that I would wait until after the holidays because that would be really crappy timing for my kids. But I expected things to be miserable and I was hoping perhaps that by now we would at least not be so angry at each other, we would be resigned to the fact that we couldn’t make it work and be civil to one another.
Thankfully it did not come to that.
This year has been full of ups & downs. And honestly I still can’t say that I trust him forever yet. But wow. SO MUCH BETTER than where we were a year ago!
Some days he still infuriates me. Some days I get angry and wonder why I have tried so hard to save this marriage. But most days I am glad that we are still together.
He had a major attitude adjustment. That happened 9/26/11 – just 3 months ago. There is no other way I can describe the change that ultimately saved our marriage. Some days his old grumpy, moody self creeps out, but not as often as before. Before it was pretty much all the time.
A great example of my new happy hubby: Tonight the kids were all being rowdy. The don’t-know-when-to-stop kind of rowdy. Just picking on each other and laughing hysterically, and throwing candy canes at each other. I kept telling them to knock it off, they weren’t listening at all. (How long is Christmas break ?!?!?!) Hubby picked a candy cane up off the floor and pretended to slam it down on the table with a loud bang. They all looked shocked and then cracked up. He laughed and left the room. Well, this started a big conversation about what would have happened if daddy would have actually done that – how it would have cracked and been smashed to powdered candy cane that they could mix in their hot chocolate. How it would probably fly everywhere and stick to the walls, etc. My son went on & on with the stories and what ifs with his imagination in over-drive. Apparently it got the best of him, he stood up on the table and threw a candy cane down with all his might. It flew everywhere. Little sticky red & white chunks were on the curtains, in the carpet, everywhere. He didn’t know if he should laugh or cry when he saw the look on my face. It’s funny now, not so much then. I laughed more than I yelled – I can say that I guess. Ha. Hubby came to see what happened. He laughed and told him to get the sweeper.
He laughed and told him to get the sweeper.
Amazing.
It has been a year since I told him to move out. He never did move out. I’m glad.
(In case you are wondering why his reaction was so awesome... Before? Yelling, swearing, Mean harsh words about how stupid that was, just terrible nastiness. So this was a huge improvement!)
Christmas Day was a Good Day
26 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Happy Hubby Moments, Health & Happiness, Marriage, Take That Panic Attacks! Tags: anxiety, Christmas, marriage improvement, Thank You Lord
I smile every time I think about it.
I am so relieved!
As I said earlier, the weekend started pretty rough.
But after all that it was nice. Very nice.
On Christmas eve we had some nice family time. We made cookies, we strung popcorn (hadn’t done that in years!), we read the bible together, we just hung out. Hubby went to bed before the kids and I wished he was awake to put out the gifts etc with me after the kids went to bed.
On Christmas morning, I like to take just a few minutes (like 10?) to wake up before the kids rip into the gifts. Usually this is met with harsh words and total irritation from hubby. I put in my contacts, make some tea, and get settled on the couch with my camera. Then I’m ready. It’s not like they have to wait long and I don’t think it’s horrible for me to ask them to wait a few. This year he didn’t mind. This year he reminded them to wait and I didn’t even hear any irritation in his voice. We sat next to each other on the couch. We talked and laughed. It wasn’t tense and terrible. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.
Yes, he still did things like grump and swear about the transformer toy that challenged him. And yes he had some not so lovely moments with his sister at dinner at his mom’s house that afternoon. It’s not like he’s been transformed into some fake happy go lucky guy. But wow what a difference a year makes!
And from the panic attack / anxiety perspective…. Usually I take an ativan before going to these family functions. I didn’t and it was a little uncomfortable at times but it was ok. Like I said, Christmas Day was a Good Day!
I hope everyone had a Merry Merry Christmas!
THANK YOU LORD
A Rough Start
26 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Tags: Christmas, marriage improvement
After a rough start to the weekend when I was convinced it was the beginning of the end….. it turned around. Completely.
(I’m not gonna share my post about that rough start cuz wow was I angry when I typed that out. I think I’ll keep that one private :/ )
I was so hurt & angry at him, and I just KNEW he was gonna ruin it all….
Then I was wrapping stocking gifts in my bedroom on Saturday afternoon and the movie “Fireproof” came on. Talk about a sign. It was right at the part when the Dad is talking to his son about not giving up on his marriage. Yes, the movie is a little hokey and preachy. But the point is still valid. And when I was on the treadmill Friday morning, Joyce Meyers came on and her whole sermon was about forgiveness. She basically said that you shouldn’t grumble & complain if you are the one that always has to apologize first or take the first steps towards reconciliation, because that just means you are the more mature one. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that the other person doesn’t care as much. It doesn’t mean they never would do it. It just means that you are more mature. She said skip the drama about refusing to do it and waiting for them to do it. It just drags it out longer and then everyone is miserable longer. She said don’t hold grudges! I can relate to that :) So I had already been spinning that around in my mind.
Then the more I thought about it – the more I wanted to go into Christmas Day with a clean slate. I didn’t want leftover garbage to start the day off on the wrong foot. I needed it to stand alone and be what it was going to be. I guess I just really needed to know for sure that we were making progress. Yes, a happy Christmas without his moody anger as a dark cloud over everything would really show me the status of our relationship!
So I took the first steps to make up with my hubby. Should I have had to do that? No. But I did anyway. And it was easy. He explained his part, I explained mine. We figured it out. Still sucks that we have to constantly explain ourselves to each other. But it is what it is. And it was over and we sat on the couch together. He watched the football game & I sorted through mail. The whole mood in our house changed. The kids noticed and I was glad I acted maturely and took the first step. :)
Yes, Christmas day was a big relationship test. I’m sorry but yes, that’s what I had turned it into.
Hubby knew how I felt about past Christmases. And you know, Christmas is supposed to be such a joyous occasion that it has really pissed me off that so many of them lately have been ruined by his nastiness. I remember how it used to be my favorite day. It had become a day I dreaded. It was time to put an end to that. And we did. Hopefully for good.
Related Posts: Crying on Christmas
“Jesus Christ” by Brand New
26 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Health & Happiness Tags: music, Thank You Lord
I’m loving this today :)
- – - – - – - – - -
“Jesus Christ” by Brand New
Jesus Christ, that’s a pretty face
The kind you’d find on someone I could save
If they don’t put me away
Well, it’ll be a miracle
Do you believe you’re missin’ out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night’s hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone
Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
’cause this problem’s gonna last more than the weekend.
Well, Jesus Christ, I’m not scared to die,
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?
Do I divide and fall apart?
’cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands
I know you’re coming in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it’s you and that it’s over so I won’t even try
I know you’re coming for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine
My Apple Scented Candle
22 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety
The apple scent is supposed to help calm your nerves. :)
One Down, Eight More To Go
21 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Take That Panic Attacks! Tags: anxiety, ativan, basketball game, bleachers, panic attacks
There were no bleachers at the basketball game tonight. And really it was only a scrimmage. There were not many people there. Hubby was not there. Girls begged to stay home – I think they were strung out from the Christmas parties they had at school today. So I went myself. I found a chair and sat along the wall next to another mom that was there herself. I sat close but not too close. I don’t know her well and but I do know she likes to yell at the coach when she thinks her kid doesn’t get fair playing time etc.
Well she was lovely. We gabbed & gabbed.
I did NOT take ativan today. There was a battle in my head about this all afternoon. I was not feeling very anxious today at all really. But I was worrying about feeling anxious later at the game. Ugh. I managed to convince myself that I should not take ativan just because I fear I may want to take it later – or wish I had taken it. I should only take it when I am actually feeling an attack come on and really need it.
I felt like I was going to the game naked.
I felt very vulnerable and exposed.
I’m happy to say that those feeling passed pretty quickly and I was able to enjoy the game.
One down, 8 more to go. :)
Take that panic attacks.
My Ideal Christmas Day
21 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Health & Happiness Tags: Christmas
I know I shouldn’t do this. I know I should not get my hopes so way up high! I keep thinking about it though.
I am afraid he will ruin another Christmas.
Not because of any recent issues, just because the past few have really sucked with him.
REALLY sucked. Last year it was what ultimately led me to decide I was done with this marriage.
SO. Yea, I’m a day dreamer sometimes. I should be working but I’m so distracted by this! So I’m here to type it out :)
Imagine a Christmas morning where everyone wakes up happy that it is Christmas. Not with swearing about coffee not made yet or having to wait until the microwave beeps, and my tea is done.
Imagine a happy family laughing and getting along as they open gifts. Imagine a hubby that smiles at his wife. Imagine kids that are not afraid of being yelled at for opening a box or whatever to play with a new toy instead of waiting until all the gifts are opened.
Imagine a hubby that says Thank You to his wife for the gift she gave him. Imagine him smiling at her while she opens her gift.
Seems like basic stuff right? It ought to be. Isn’t it that way in most families? Even while growing up in my dysfunctional family, Christmas morning was no way as stressful as it has gotten here. So yea, I feel like I’m harping on this. Better typing it out here than saying it out loud and nagging hubby about it I guess.
Panic Attacks: Sometimes I’m Normal Again
21 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Take That Panic Attacks! Tags: anxiety, panic attacks, shopping anxiety
Sometimes I’m normal again. It amazes me. I can have a very hard time one week. (Think Christmas Concert) Then the next week I go out in the mad Christmas crowds and do some shopping – and it never even occurs to me that I usually freak out in those situations. Or that I usually plan ahead when the best time would be to take ativan.
I went yesterday. I was mostly done shopping. I just needed 1 gift, several gift cards, and groceries. On the way into the first store it hit me. I had not taken ativan. I was not prepared! So then I had a choice. Go back to my car, take ativan, wait for it to kick in and struggle through my day. Or fake it till I make it and continue on. I continued into the store. And then didn’t worry about it the rest of the day. On my way home I though about it again. I felt like a normal person!
I stood in a very long line at the grocery store. Oh my the panic attacks I have had in that store in the last few years! I braved Walmart for that last gift. I made it without any trouble and you KNOW that place was crazy. I even went into a new store that I had never been in before. That usually stresses me out.
2 days in a row I have gotten 7 hours of sleep at night. That’s awesome for me. I am in the terrible habit of staying up way too late. I work and put in the hours I didn’t get in during the day, I watch TV, I eat ice cream. NOT a good habit. I’m willing to bet that had something to do with my shopping success. Now I just need to keep it up.
EXCEPT that I have been thinking I should stay up late tonight after everyone is in bed and wrap gifts. I have nothing wrapped yet! It is all stashed in various locations throughout the house. I used to spend every Christmas eve in the basement by myself wrapping gifts until way too late. I refuse to do that anymore. I didn’t have to do that last year and I loved it! And the kids have a half day of school tomorrow and then they are on Christmas break, so getting it done before that would be great.
And Christmas is Sunday! It came so quickly this year!
Oh – and guess what else? I didn’t think I’d get to a basketball game until after the new year. Nope. They scheduled one for tonight. HA. It’s just a scrimmage and it is in the gym that has no bleachers. I will be going to that tonight. Hubby will definitely be sleeping because he didn’t come home from work this morning, he went to an auction with his Dad. It will be a good way to ease me into it. :)
Having a day like yesterday when I just felt normal – makes me want to fight harder so I can just BE NORMAL all the time. I don’t want it to be a rare occurrence. I want it to be my life. Of course I mean normal as far as panic attacks are concerned. Normal is a very loose term otherwise!
Apple & Yam Casserole Recipe
20 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Health & Happiness Tags: recipe
APPLE AND YAM CASSEROLE
1 (21 oz.) can apple pie filling
2 (17 oz.) cans whole sweet potatoes
3 tbsp. butter
Nutmeg
Chopped nuts
Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Combine apple pie filling and whole sweet potatoes, drained into buttered 7 x 11 inch baking dish. Dot with butter, sprinkle lightly with nutmeg and chopped nuts. Bake 30 minutes until bubbly.
Recipe source: http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,188,152186-233201,00.html
I’m making this to take the in-laws on Christmas day! Talk about easy! Awesome.
And I’ll have to take something else too. I don’t know what but this family is all about the food and you don’t show up with just one dish unfortunately. But I’ll come up with some kind of fruit or desert or something and be done! I know – I can cut up a fresh pineapple. Double easy! Done.
What I need to do
19 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Health & Happiness Tags: self-help
I’ve said these things a million times. I’ve said them, thought them, typed the, wrote them….
I need to go to bed earlier.
I need to get more sleep.
I need to get up earlier.
I need to be more motivated.
I need to shower first thing in the morning.
I need to get dressed to shoes every day.
I need to stop drinking so much coffee.
I need to drink more water.
I need to quit eating chocolate.
I need to eat more fruit.
I need to eat more salads.
I need to quit eating french fries.
I need to keep track of my blood sugar levels better.
I need to be more organized.
I need to declutter.
I need to find time to read more.
I need to exercise more.
I need to lose 20 pounds.
I need to be more fun and spontaneous.
I need to lighten up.
I need to be more out-going.
I need to read my bible every day.
I need to start going to church again.
I need to call my mom regularly.
I need to visit my mom more often.
I need to call my dad more often.
I need to stop yelling.
I need to be more patient.
I need to watch less TV.
I need to get off this computer.
I need to get my act together!
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