Today I went to a parent / teacher conference without taking any ativan.
Yep, I was brave.
I only had one to go to today. I didn’t go to any for Kid1 – I was in contact with her teachers via email instead. Kid2’s teacher told me it wasn’t necessary for me to come. Kid2 is a model student and her teacher is a friend that I see pretty regularly outside of school anyway. There really wasn’t anything to say.
So that left only Kid3’s teacher. She is a kind, kind soul. I just love her. And I have not been worrying about this conference at all. This morning I still felt confident. Around noon I was starting to think about when I should take the ativan. You have to plan ahead for these things you know. Then it hit me that I should go with out it today! Hubby wasn’t coming so I could do my “fake it till I make it attitude.” And I was calm, not fretting… And there was only one and the teacher is so nice… And it was only for 15 minutes…
SO… I decided I wasn’t going to take it. Of course I second guessed that decision right up until I walked in to the classroom. Ha. At one point I was psyching myself up about it, decided it was a bad decision to not take it and was ready to go get one, but then I realized the conference was in 20 minutes so it was too late for it to kick in anyway.
So I did it. I went without ativan, my security blanket.
And I had a panic attack.
Embarrassed. That is how I feel now.
We were sitting there at the little table talking and it hit me. It wouldn’t pass. And it was just the two of us. There was no way for me to use my usual distractions – rummaging thru my purse, writing in my notebook, putting my head down, etc. Nope, she was 1 foot away from me, talking directly to me, looking right at my face. There was no where to hide. I realized I couldn’t do any of those things. I had no idea what to do and it freaked me out! I couldn’t make it pass. I really think I might have passed out if she hadn’t asked me if I was ok. That changed the situation enough to give me a distraction and collect myself.
She asked me if I was ok. I told her no I wasn’t and said my head was pounding. (I didn’t know what to say!)
She took that to mean I had a migraine hit me all of the sudden. She jumped up to offer me a drink of water. I got a motrin from my purse and got a drink from the fountain to wash it down. I didn’t need a motrin! But I played along. It was better than saying, no I’m just nuts…this will pass soon if you don’t mind just letting me freak out for a minute!
We sat back down and tried to wrap up the conversation but it still drug out longer than I wanted. I was so shaky. She is still wonderful and I think that is why I feel so embarrassed. I don’t like freaking out in front of someone I think so highly of. Of course I don’t want her to think I’m crazy.
I had the panic attack because I was worried about having one.
It wasn’t because I was in a stressful situation or a horrible place. It was just cuz my mind took me there. This should have been an easy situation. This is a setback for me because I don’t think I’ll be trying that again anytime soon.
Except that right now I’m thinking I want a do-over! I want to go back in there tomorrow and try again! Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. School is closed tomorrow or I might try it! lol That would be great – I could go back in, thank her for being so understanding today, ask her if there was anything else she wanted to talk about but didn’t get to since we finished quickly since I didn’t feel well. That would be great because I really wanted to conquer this!
The fact that I wish I could do that makes me smile. It makes me proud of myself for not just giving up and giving in to the panic monster.
Today it kicked my butt. At least I tried though :)
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