Peace & Quiet
16 May 2012 1 Comment
in Health & Happiness Tags: gratitude, happiness, relax, school, Thank You Lord
Today is one of those rare days that happens once every month or so. Hubby is at an auction, kids are all at school and I have the house to myself.
Ahhhh. Peace & Quiet :)
I had an appointment scheduled with the guidance counselor to discuss Kid1′s classes for next year. Apparently this is something you do before 9th grade. The appointment was at 10am. I even took my ativan already so I’d be prepared.
Guess what?! I just called and changed it. And not because I’m all anxious about it either! I am a little anxious (teacher conference panic attack flashback!) – but that is not why. I was sitting on the porch, sipping my one cup of coffee for the day, enjoying the sunshine and decided I was going to take a time out for me! Yep, just for me.
SO I called the school and rescheduled it for tomorrow afternoon. It’s very strange how very much this makes me smile! lol
I do have a few must-do’s on my work schedule – so I plan to go get those done as quickly as possible, then have a nice long shower, and then maybe even sit on the porch and read a book on my new kindle. Sounds like an awesome plan to me.
Image Source: http://tracys-trinkets-treasures.blogspot.com/2012_04_01_archive.html
I Like GCB
15 May 2012 Leave a Comment
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Confession: I am a Christian that likes GCB. Get over it.
Kristen Chenoweth said it best “There’s a difference between making fun of something and having fun with something …and we do the latter.”
I’m bummed it was cancelled. :(
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Another confession: I have eaten 3 snowballs in 2 days.
They were a gift from grandma to the grand-kids but for some bizarre reason, kids have all decided they are gross. That means I get to eat them all. :)
We Ditched the Musical
10 May 2012 1 Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Love my Kids! Tags: anxiety, ativan, Kids, musical, panic attacks, school
Yep! Any of you that have known me for very long know that I am relieved!
(See: Last years musical)
Baseball. Did I tell you how much I love baseball??
Kid3 had a game last night at 7:00. It’s a 40 minute drive to the field.
The musical was at 6:30. Nope that wouldn’t work. :D
We let them choose which they wanted to do. And yes I even offered to take Kid2 to the musical first and then we could go to the game late. She was thrilled to get out of it. It’s not cool anymore you know when you are 12. Apparently it is “lame”.
Oh. my. gosh. What a tough day though! It rained on and off all day. So we kept thinking that they would cancel the game. If they cancelled the game, we’d go to the musical instead. See what I mean?
It’s bad enough to dread it and anticipate it and try to prepare myself for those blasted bleachers – but then it was just an anxiety roller coaster all day for me!
Is it raining?
Is the game cancelled?
Oh, the sun is out!
Is it supposed to rain tonight?
Should I take an ativan?
Raining again.
Who is that text from?
Did they cancel the game?
Aaagghhhh
Ha. Actually I kept that to myself – it was just in my head. I got a lot of work done yesterday – willing myself to stay focused to avoid the drama in my head.
We went to the game, it rained on the boys but they played through it. Apparently there was a power outage in town last night and the lights went out at the school. The musical continued with the emergency lights on in the gym. They sang a cappella. I don’t know if they still had the art show and book fair afterwards, not sure how they would unless they have great emergency lights in the grade school hallways. I’m hoping they reschedule that actually. I enjoy that.
I went all day without an ativan. I had planned to take it around 5:00 – then I would be prepared for however the night turned out. I got busy and forgot. Right as we were leaving for the game I remembered I never took one. I don’t usually need one for games anymore. BUT of course there was road construction and a very long wait. And a very long narrow roadway we had to maneuver through after we did finally get to go….
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And I had a panic attack right there in the driver’s seat.
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Not good. I felt dizzy. Passing out scares me and I felt like I was going to. You aren’t allowed to pass out when you are driving down the road with your kids in the car with you though now are you!?!? So I fought through it. I rolled down the windows, I fidgeted all around, I blasted the air conditioning in my face even though the kids were already cold from me opening the windows. (I told them I hated the smell of the blacktop and this would help. ) LOL I started talking fast like a crazy person – about all the construction workers and what they were doing. See how big that roller is, doesn’t that blacktop smell terrible, see that dude sitting there eating his lunch, oh they’re going to paint lines soon, and blah blah blah.
I got through it. I couldn’t go fast through the maze of traffic cones. And there was no way out and it sucked. But I got through it. And then I felt like jello. Panic attacks are exhausting!
The day was stressful cuz of not knowing what to expect. The anticipation of the unknown. And this is also my PMS time – so my anxiety levels are sky high anyway. And ever since that last panic attack I have been on high alert I guess. Add it all up and a panic attack was bound to get me.
I did take an ativan once we got to the ball field. I knew we’d be in that same construction on the way home and I really didn’t want to go through all that again. I’ll try it again another day. The ride home was uneventful. Yay.
NOW…. today is track & field for Kid2 and Kid3. Last year it rained so they moved it inside to the gym. I took an ativan and went twice that day. It’s not raining now but it looks like it might at any second. I’m guessing they will move it inside again but I really hope not! Aside from the fact that I hate sitting there in those bleachers, track & field is really a lot more fun outside! Outside they run & jump the hurdles, they hit baseballs, they throw balls at bowling pins, the do the shot put, they jump over that stick and land on the big mat (what is that called?!?), they have relay races. It is a LOT more fun. Last year all they did was play dodgeball for 40 minutes. Yes, we sat there and watched them pummel balls at each other for 40 minutes. Great job gym teachers. They couldn’t think of anyway to do actual track & field type activities in the gym? I thought it was stupid. Can you tell?
This morning I asked my kids if they’d mind if I didn’t come if it was in the gym again. They both said they didn’t care. I’m not sure my mommy guilt will let me stay home though, we’ll see.
Pray for sunshine :)
Full Weekend: Party, Outlets, and Ativan
08 May 2012 1 Comment
in Love my Kids! Tags: anxiety, happiness, Kids, Thank You Lord
We went to my Mamaw’s 90th birthday party 2 weekends ago. It was just my girls and I. Hubby and Kid3 stayed home – it was the season opener for baseball. And it was an 8:00 pm game so that didn’t work at all. I think they should have come to see my grandmother instead but I knew that was not a battle I would win, so I let it go.
As for my anxiety…..the party went well. Very well. If you’ll recall, I was stressing about it a while ago. I did take ativan. But the whole thing was very laid back and casual so that really helped.
When we first arrived at the church social hall, this lady came running up to me and hugged me. I had no idea who she was! lol She didn’t seem to notice that at all though and introduced herself to my kids and told them she was my old Brownie leader. Very cool! We moved away from there right after I finished 4th grade. It has been a long time. She was so very sweet. I must admit though that I still don’t remember her at all! I remember going to the girl scout meetings. I remember some of the activities we did and places we went, but I don’t remember my leaders really at all. :( I remember a great cake decorating contest – with the dads! lol
Usually when we visit the relatives, we drive 3 hours, hang out a while, eat too much, then drive 3 hours home. I decided to make it more fun. And YES, I was needing a time out in my life. So we stayed overnight at a hotel and went to the outlets the next day.
By the time we got to the hotel that night I felt so __________, it was amazing. I don’t know what word to put there. I felt alive! It was great to break out of the usual routine. It was great to get out and about and just relax and have fun. It was great to see my wonderful family. It was great to just do whatever we felt like doing!
The outlets were fun. Girl bonding time and lots of shopping. They had not been to the outlets before so they were thrilled. Kid2 kept asking “What are the outlets again?” ha She is my shopper so this was a dream come true for her.
We never do stuff like this so it was a real treat! And we spent less than $100. :) They found a great clearance rack at Claires and spent most of their money on earrings. We mainly just had fun browsing the stores and seeing new sights.
I took ativan before heading to the outlets too. I was nervous, but excited. Once upon a time I couldn’t even go into a store to buy a gallon of milk. Truly, there were a few months like that. It’s good for me to remember that – and to remember how far I’ve come. I had no problems with anxiety or panic attacks at all at the outlets. THANK YOU LORD.
The trip was a success in the panic attack prevention plan. Ha! It was a great confidence builder and I really needed that. There are tons of school events coming up and I know they won’t be easy – but hopefully this will help.
Our 18th Anniversary
07 May 2012 5 Comments
in Marriage Tags: anniversary, communication, husband, Love
Saturday was our 18th wedding anniversary.
Things have definitely been better around here since I backed off and took a break from the drama with him. More on that later.
Not too long ago I told hubby that I needed him to kinda make a big deal of special days like birthdays, mothers day, anniversaries etc. I know that he knows that I need that. I don’t think I ever said it to him in such a straight forward way before though.
“You know how I’ve told you that I need you to show me that you appreciate me? Well I need it even more on days like mother’s day and anniversaries and birthdays and stuff. I don’t need anything big. You can get me flowers. Or pick me flowers! Or write me a note – it doesn’t even have to cost anything. I don’t want a big expensive thing. I just want to know you appreciate me. I need you to celebrate those days.”
“But you aren’t my mother.”
“I’m the mother of your children. That counts.”
“OK.”
On Wednesday hubby asked me if we were gonna do anything special for our anniversary. I asked him what he wanted to do. He didn’t know. I was thrilled that he was thinking about it. I was thrilled that he even cared to bring it up!
We talked about going to dinner. We figured out that we would be at a baseball game at 4:30 on Saturday. Maybe the kids could go home from the game with Gram& Pap. Maybe we could go out for breakfast instead…
Neither of those happened actually. But it was still ok. It was a nice day. He acknowledged our anniversary and was not acting irritated by it. He was sweet actually. He was easy to get along with all day. We had fun goofing off together at the baseball game.
After the game, he took the kids for ice cream. I went to Walmart with our mammoth grocery list. When I got home from the store he quickly got all the kids to come help carry in groceries and HE HELPED TOO. He has not done that in a very long time. I am so used to him being irritated at the world that I just do all these things myself. He helped carry bags in, he helped put things away. He didn’t comment rudely about anything I bought. Nice.
And then later, when I was cleaning up the kitchen, I found a note on the counter. 
(He does know how to spell anniversary by the way. He makes fun of my spelling when I text – I leave out the vowels in many words to make them shorter obviously. That’s why he wrote it that way! )
The note was a photocopy of a kindle with a note on the top of it. I have been borrowing my sister’s kindle – trying to figure out if I really want one – and if I will really use it.
He said he noticed that I have been reading in bed again – like I used to do – and he wants to get me one.
The “Forever and Ever Amen” is what we used to say to each other all the time. It is even inscribed on the inside of his wedding band.
I haven’t heard those words in a very long time.
Oh – and I got him a peach pie. His favorite. Simple, but much appreciated.
The BEST Kind of Weekend
07 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Health & Happiness, Love my Kids! Tags: happiness, Kids, Thank You Lord
Lots of Happy Kids 4-Wheelin’
K’Nex Everywhere!
See the beach chairs and umbrella? My kids love the beach as much as I do!
K’Nex garages for their very cool cars!
My latest craft idea – a decoupaged table for the porch. We’ll see :)
THANK YOU LORD
Stop the Insanity
02 May 2012 2 Comments
in Marriage Tags: anger, communication, husband, Marriage is Hard
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“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.“
-Albert Einstein
I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now.
I decided to stop the insanity. I decided that I needed to take a break from my Hubby. Call it a time out.
This began way back when we had the sleeping in the basement argument. Seems like a long time ago. Wow – that was March 3rd. 2 months! It’s been longer than I thought.
That night I decided that I was no longer going to go out of my way to talk to him, or do nice things for him, or be helpful, or smile at him if I didn’t feel like it, or say “I love you” like we do on autopilot when one of us leaves the house. I was going to change the things that I could to avoid the negative crap that he heaps onto me. And that I let him heap on me.
It started small.
I decided to stop saying “I love you” to him. I was just hurting myself – I’d say it to him – he would reply with either “Yep” or “Love you too.” No expression. No real feeling behind it. And I would be hurt my that.
I figured out that I could stop that cycle. (Duh, right?) I could just stop saying “I love you” to my husband. Believe it or not, this was hard for me! Yes, even though our marriage is a mess, it was hard. That stopped the half-ass replies. Problem solved. Kinda.
Next – Every morning when he got home from work, Kid3 and I would be at the table talking & eating breakfast. When hubby comes up the basement steps, we are right there. I would say good morning to him, or sometimes I would say nothing. Some days he would smile and start talking about his night. Some days he would ignore me completely. Some days he would glare right through me. I never knew what to expect.
I figured out there was no reason I should put myself thru that crap every single morning. (Again, duh right?) So I changed the morning routine just a little and when it was time for him to get home, I’d be upstairs getting dressed. I removed myself from the situation. Again, problem solved. Kinda.
I kept doing things like that. If he’d ask me if there was any coffee made. I’d say no. That’s it. Before I’d have told him no and then offered to make him some. When he asked me if we were out of honey, I said I don’t know and I told him to check the pantry. Before I would have jumped up and went in search of honey. When it was getting close to time for him to leave for work, I didn’t go hang out with him in the kitchen before he left like I have been doing for years…. I just kept doing whatever I was doing and if he wanted to say goodbye to me before he left for work, he’d have to come find me. (Some days he did, some days he didn’t.) See what I mean? I wasn’t mean. I was just distant.
And here is TMI. We have had sex ONE TIME since then. Once in 2 months. What?? That is craziness. For us, that is a long time!
I kept my distance from him so much that it wasn’t even an issue I guess. He would have had to actually make some kind of effort. That didn’t happen. So it didn’t happen.
to be continued…
Anxiety: Don’t Forget to Breathe
01 May 2012 2 Comments
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety, breathing
How can a person forget to breathe?
It is supposed to just happen naturally. When did I learn this horrible habit of holding my breath when I’m nervous about something? I am not even aware that I am doing it. Ugh.
I should not have to be taught to breath. How is it even possible to learn to breath incorrectly?
Feeling frustrated right now.
Jill wrote about this a while ago. I just re-read it.
http://panicfreeme.com/2301/how-to-do-diaphragmatic-breathing/
I don’t have time to lay down and do the whole thing now. But I’m doing it while sitting here at my desk, dreading the upcoming conference call.
What is the Best Message?
26 Apr 2012 5 Comments
in Marriage Tags: happiness, Marriage is Hard
How do I be the positive, loving, steadfast Mom that I need to be – in the midst of the chaos?
If I accomplish this I will consider myself successful as a mom.
By staying though, am I also saying that I accept his behavior?
Doesn’t that send a bad message to my kids?
Is that message better or worse than me leaving him and causing upheaval in their lives?
“If you choose the lesser of two evils, you are still choosing evil.“
She Decided to Start Living the Life She Imagined
25 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Tough Quotes Tags: Inspiration, quotes
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