Our 18th Anniversary
07 May 2012 5 Comments
in Marriage Tags: anniversary, communication, husband, Love
Saturday was our 18th wedding anniversary.
Things have definitely been better around here since I backed off and took a break from the drama with him. More on that later.
Not too long ago I told hubby that I needed him to kinda make a big deal of special days like birthdays, mothers day, anniversaries etc. I know that he knows that I need that. I don’t think I ever said it to him in such a straight forward way before though.
“You know how I’ve told you that I need you to show me that you appreciate me? Well I need it even more on days like mother’s day and anniversaries and birthdays and stuff. I don’t need anything big. You can get me flowers. Or pick me flowers! Or write me a note – it doesn’t even have to cost anything. I don’t want a big expensive thing. I just want to know you appreciate me. I need you to celebrate those days.”
“But you aren’t my mother.”
“I’m the mother of your children. That counts.”
“OK.”
On Wednesday hubby asked me if we were gonna do anything special for our anniversary. I asked him what he wanted to do. He didn’t know. I was thrilled that he was thinking about it. I was thrilled that he even cared to bring it up!
We talked about going to dinner. We figured out that we would be at a baseball game at 4:30 on Saturday. Maybe the kids could go home from the game with Gram& Pap. Maybe we could go out for breakfast instead…
Neither of those happened actually. But it was still ok. It was a nice day. He acknowledged our anniversary and was not acting irritated by it. He was sweet actually. He was easy to get along with all day. We had fun goofing off together at the baseball game.
After the game, he took the kids for ice cream. I went to Walmart with our mammoth grocery list. When I got home from the store he quickly got all the kids to come help carry in groceries and HE HELPED TOO. He has not done that in a very long time. I am so used to him being irritated at the world that I just do all these things myself. He helped carry bags in, he helped put things away. He didn’t comment rudely about anything I bought. Nice.
And then later, when I was cleaning up the kitchen, I found a note on the counter. 
(He does know how to spell anniversary by the way. He makes fun of my spelling when I text – I leave out the vowels in many words to make them shorter obviously. That’s why he wrote it that way! )
The note was a photocopy of a kindle with a note on the top of it. I have been borrowing my sister’s kindle – trying to figure out if I really want one – and if I will really use it.
He said he noticed that I have been reading in bed again – like I used to do – and he wants to get me one.
The “Forever and Ever Amen” is what we used to say to each other all the time. It is even inscribed on the inside of his wedding band.
I haven’t heard those words in a very long time.
Oh – and I got him a peach pie. His favorite. Simple, but much appreciated.
Stop the Insanity
02 May 2012 2 Comments
in Marriage Tags: anger, communication, husband, Marriage is Hard
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“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.“
-Albert Einstein
I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now.
I decided to stop the insanity. I decided that I needed to take a break from my Hubby. Call it a time out.
This began way back when we had the sleeping in the basement argument. Seems like a long time ago. Wow – that was March 3rd. 2 months! It’s been longer than I thought.
That night I decided that I was no longer going to go out of my way to talk to him, or do nice things for him, or be helpful, or smile at him if I didn’t feel like it, or say “I love you” like we do on autopilot when one of us leaves the house. I was going to change the things that I could to avoid the negative crap that he heaps onto me. And that I let him heap on me.
It started small.
I decided to stop saying “I love you” to him. I was just hurting myself – I’d say it to him – he would reply with either “Yep” or “Love you too.” No expression. No real feeling behind it. And I would be hurt my that.
I figured out that I could stop that cycle. (Duh, right?) I could just stop saying “I love you” to my husband. Believe it or not, this was hard for me! Yes, even though our marriage is a mess, it was hard. That stopped the half-ass replies. Problem solved. Kinda.
Next – Every morning when he got home from work, Kid3 and I would be at the table talking & eating breakfast. When hubby comes up the basement steps, we are right there. I would say good morning to him, or sometimes I would say nothing. Some days he would smile and start talking about his night. Some days he would ignore me completely. Some days he would glare right through me. I never knew what to expect.
I figured out there was no reason I should put myself thru that crap every single morning. (Again, duh right?) So I changed the morning routine just a little and when it was time for him to get home, I’d be upstairs getting dressed. I removed myself from the situation. Again, problem solved. Kinda.
I kept doing things like that. If he’d ask me if there was any coffee made. I’d say no. That’s it. Before I’d have told him no and then offered to make him some. When he asked me if we were out of honey, I said I don’t know and I told him to check the pantry. Before I would have jumped up and went in search of honey. When it was getting close to time for him to leave for work, I didn’t go hang out with him in the kitchen before he left like I have been doing for years…. I just kept doing whatever I was doing and if he wanted to say goodbye to me before he left for work, he’d have to come find me. (Some days he did, some days he didn’t.) See what I mean? I wasn’t mean. I was just distant.
And here is TMI. We have had sex ONE TIME since then. Once in 2 months. What?? That is craziness. For us, that is a long time!
I kept my distance from him so much that it wasn’t even an issue I guess. He would have had to actually make some kind of effort. That didn’t happen. So it didn’t happen.
to be continued…
What is the Best Message?
26 Apr 2012 5 Comments
in Marriage Tags: happiness, Marriage is Hard
How do I be the positive, loving, steadfast Mom that I need to be – in the midst of the chaos?
If I accomplish this I will consider myself successful as a mom.
By staying though, am I also saying that I accept his behavior?
Doesn’t that send a bad message to my kids?
Is that message better or worse than me leaving him and causing upheaval in their lives?
“If you choose the lesser of two evils, you are still choosing evil.“
I Told Hubby I Have a BLOG
22 Apr 2012 4 Comments
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Marriage Tags: communication, husband
About anxiety, not our marriage….
I don’t remember exactly when I told him, it was shortly before the fight we had when he slept in the basement.
We were attempting to talk about our relationship. Somehow it got to me saying I feel like he doesn’t even know me. I brought up my panic attacks and that they are such a huge deal in my life, a huge part of pretty much every day of my life. I pointed out that he knew nothing about that really at all cuz I don’t talk about it and he doesn’t ask. I said something to the effect that I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish we had each other to work through all of life’s craziness together.
And I told him I have a blog.
I told him that I met a lot of really awesome people online who I talk to about it a lot. I said isn’t it sad that my friends online who I have never even really met know me better than my own husband does? He said “I’m glad you have them to talk to.”
He said it in a kind way – like he is truly glad that I have a support system. Wonderful. But the part that is not wonderful? Seems like he was just relieved to not have to be bothered with it. With me.
And it hasn’t been mentioned since.
He wasn’t phased one bit. I was shocked. This is the man that pretty much forbid me to even have a facebook account. It took a while for me to get a backbone and get one anyway. That was when I had had enough and stood up to him and shook up the whole relationship. (Yay me!) So I was very surprised by his response.
I don’t know what any of it means. It’s just another thing that happened. I felt the need to type it out here.
Tractor Dream
19 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Marriage Tags: husband, marriage
I had a dream last night that I took a sledgehammer to his precious tractors.
Hmmm.
Simple Moments
17 Apr 2012 3 Comments
in Happy Hubby Moments, Marriage Tags: husband, Love, marriage
The kids were all in bed.
Hubby laid down on the living room floor to take a quick nap before work. (The floor helps his back.)
I walked by and saw him there. I had pangs of loneliness.
So I went and laid down beside him. I cuddled up close. I was relieved that he returned the cuddle.
He said “No work?” (Usually I work after the kids go to bed.)
I said “Yea, but I feel lonely. I need some attention.”
He laughed. He said “You know you just have to tell me what you need cuz I have no idea.”
It’s true. He really has no idea.
I felt happy at the time. As I’m typing this now, I’m thinking What?!? I keep telling you & telling you what I need!
We were quiet for a long time. He rubbed my shoulder. We talked about how many steps were in a mile and how many miles you’d have to go to hit the 10,000 steps goal. I love feeling his strong arms around me. I laid there with my head on his chest – watching it rise and fall with each breath, feeling his heart beat on the side of my face. I felt safe.
I miss this man. I miss moments like this.
I want every day, every moment to be this simple.
Life Goes On
13 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Marriage Tags: communication, Marriage is Hard, yelling
We’re talking again. The refrigerator broke. We had to discuss it.
He asked if I am happier today.
I said “I guess I’m supposed to be sorry for yelling at you, but I’m not.”
He said ” I don’t blame you.”
I asked him if he heard me yet.
He said “How could I not?”
And life goes on. I don’t expect anything to change.
On a happier note….
My daughter is going to the formal tonight. She lost 7 pounds – the dress she loved motivated her :) She insisted it was the one even though it was too tight. She convinced me she could lose 8 pounds in 4 weeks and begged me to buy it anyway. She lost 7. She tried it on a few days ago and it zipped up so easily – she was thrilled! I’m so proud of her!
Just One Word
13 Apr 2012 2 Comments
in Marriage Tags: communication, Marriage is Hard
We didn’t speak at all last night until he was leaving for work at 10pm.
From a different room he sarcastically said “Goodnight!”
I said “Goodnight. “
And he left.
This morning I went upstairs to get dressed right before he got home.
We talked to our kids, but not to each other.
The kids left for school, he is outside.
It’s been quite peaceful actually.
Awkward.
12 Apr 2012 5 Comments
in Marriage Tags: husband, Marriage is Hard, yelling
Tonight is going to be awkward.
We had a fight. I yelled at him. I was not nice at all.
Now the kids are coming home from school. Hubby will be awake soon.
I won’t know what to do with myself.
I want to ignore him completely. That’s hard to do though when the kids are here.
It’s gonna completely suck.
And he will hold a grudge about this one for a long time. Oh yes.
Since I am the one that lost it and yelled – - I’m sure he has already decided that he has done no wrong and every problem we have is my fault.
He will talk to the kids extra sweetly tonight cuz that is what he does when he is mad at me.
He will not look at me and will ignore me all evening. Even when we are in the same room. Even when the whole family is talking about whatever. It will be obvious to all that he is hating me.
Can’t wait.
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