It’s not all his fault.
30 Jan 2011 6 Comments
in Codependent, Marriage Tags: ACOA, codependent, Marriage is Hard
What’s my part in this mess we have made of our marriage?
It takes two right. Yes. I am not blameless.
Well….I am codependent – so all the stuff that goes along with that. I had my own issues coming into this relationship. I brought my own baggage.
I was too nice. I let him get away with being rude and in charge for too long. I’m not being sarcastic here – I mean that.
People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. Isn’t that how the saying goes?
Being so “nice” and agreeable cheated me. It also cheated him. I quit being me and started just trying to do whatever needed to be done to make him happy. Now I’m not talking extreme things here – I just mean things like I bit my tongue instead of speaking up when I had a different opinion about something. Or I didn’t do things that I knew he wouldn’t like – things like going out with friends, etc. I’m not a person that likes to “go out” anyway, but I really just quit hanging out with my friends. Not all because of him, also because we had a young family and I was exhausted . I was happy to just stay home. But I kinda lost myself. I also quit working to be a stay at home mom when I got pregnant with Kid2. (That was my goal and I don’t regret it. )
I didn’t want any conflicts, I just wanted peace.
I remember a real low point when it struck me how much I had let this change me.
Hubby has always been a jealous guy. He just is. I think he thinks I’m supposed to be flattered by that. I’m not flattered. I’m annoyed.
My friend and I used to exercise together in the mornings after we got the kids off to school. We would walk 3-4 miles on the trail in our town. We walked in all kinds of weather. Well one day we went and there was so much snow on the trail. It was just silly to even try to walk there. And it was slippery. She said let’s just walk around town instead. And I immediately had thoughts like – omg – I can’t do that! Hubby will be pissed. I felt like a child who would get in trouble for hanging out in town past their curfew or something!
We didn’t walk that day. We went back to her place and had cappuccino instead. :) Soon after that the situation came up again. I was ready for it. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got that I let it get to that point. Here I was, a grown woman who felt like she needed permission to walk around town instead of on the trail?!?!? That’s insane. I can walk wherever I want to walk dammit! And so we did. And you know what? His mom drove past and waved at us and my first thought was omg she’s gonna tell on me. Now seriously! How sad is that!
So of course I told hubby we walked around town instead cuz their was ice on the trail. I tried to just say it casually like it was no big deal cuz I really wanted to see how he would react. He was mad. His reasons? “You don’t need to be hanging out in town” “That will just lead to trouble.” It really made me angry. We fought a lot after this. For weeks it seemed. I was so angry that my hubby did not trust me. My friend lives in town. And I had been parking at her house and we would walk 3 blocks over to get to the trail. We had been doing that for a long time before this. I guess hubby didn’t realize that before and so I told him that too and he was so mad. And that made me madder. I just kept saying he better come with me anywhere I was going cuz I might have to take the sidewalk. Yea, I was being a smart alec. But are you kidding me? You don’t trust me to be able to walk through town without having an affair? You think you can actually tell me not to walk there?!? You think I should listen to you?!?! You are crazy.
Now I will say here that we live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone’s business. And not long before this a mutual friend of ours had just gotten busted for stopping in at someone’s house and actually having an affair on her walks. Sad but true. She is a great person. Our age. Apparently just miserable in her marriage. And for the record, she is in great shape. She was always walking! Lol (They have since reconciled and are working on their marriage FYI) Anyway, maybe that got him worried….
Another thing about his jealousy – he has cheated on me before. Not while we were married. We started going out in high school. I was in 10th grade, he was in 11th. I put up with a lot of crap from him that I never should have. My home life sucked and I think I just really needed to be loved. And that’s what ACOAs do. We put up with more crap than we should. We forgive people when we shouldn’t. We don’t walk away when we should. Back to the point… The people who are so jealous are the ones that can’t be trusted right? That’s his history though, not mine.
I remember my cousin saying to me that it seemed like way too much trouble to go through with someone you weren’t even married to yet.
She was right. She came from a healthy family and has a healthy marriage now. She could see it clearly. I could not. My family was not pleased when I agreed to marry him. But he was so very sorry for cheating on me. And I was just so in love with him. We stuck it out all through college and got married when I graduated. We even went to counseling before we were married. He was trying so hard to make it up to me. I love him. I gave him another chance.
I used to say that I knew we should be together because even when I was in so much pain because of him, the person that I wanted to hug and be comforted by was him. Looking back now… Wow. I was really messed up.
So now I am trying to teach him how to treat me all over again. I guess that’s what I’m doing. Change is hard. But I’m praying it’s worth it.
I am codependent.
10 Jan 2011 4 Comments
in Codependent, Marriage Tags: ACOA, codependent, self-help
Yes. I am codependent. I know that.
I am also an ACoA. Otherwise known as an adult child of an alcoholic. My dad is an alcoholic. Although he will say he is not.
If you want the short version of this post, skip to the black text below :)
When my parents split up my mom made us all (my siblings & I) go to therapy. Of course we resisted. We went to a few sessions and I guess she figured out that there was no point if we weren’t willing to try. After that she tried to push the book “Codependent No More” on us. It spoke to her. I was young and mad at the world. I did not want to hear the psycho babble about what was wrong with me. If there was something wrong with me it was my parents fault of course. I needed them to leave me alone. Then all would be well, right?
Well that worked for a while. Probably until I got married. Then it really all came blaring to the surface when I had kids. When my daughter was born, all sorts of feelings that I had hidden came back. I was angry again. Angry at my mom for not doing a better job of protecting us from our alcoholic father. How could she have put us through that? Why didn’t she do more to stand up for us? After she divorced, she got angry at the world and at us too. It was like she decided she would never be burdened by anyone again. Apparently this included her kids. She resented us. I really think she did. But she had been our rock. She had always been the calm in our stormy life. So I think it hurt more when she deserted us than it did when my dad did all the the stuff he had done. At least he was remorseful and tried very hard to make it up to us. I think she really just needed a break from her life and you can’t do that when you have young kids.
After a while she remarried and moved across the country away from us all. She is back now, living nearby. She even wrote me a letter one time to apologize. I love my mom. We are nice to each other but do not see each other often. As an adult I can understand that she had a rough marriage and made some hurtful decisions. Well I can’t really understand it. My kids are my number one priority. I don’t understand why hers were not. It still hurts. But we are at an OK place now.
Anyway, the point is that I am codependent. My mom was too. I think my sisters are too.
I have told one of my sisters about my marriage problems. Of course others in my family know we are not still on our honeymoon over here. But I have only told one real life person about all of this – about saying the D word out loud. About telling him to move out. About all of it.
She suggested I read “Codependent No More.” I told her I wanted to throw that book at her. That was my gut reaction. Why? Because it implied that all of this was my fault since I am codependent. And because once again it would be me working to fix this marriage while he did nothing. I am tired of trying so hard. It is his turn. That is how I felt. And I kinda still do. And you know what? I have done a lot of work already. I worked through a lot of this ACoA stuff quite a few years ago. I have self-helped myself again and again. This whole blog is self-help for goodness sakes. So, really? I wasn’t fixed yet? He’s the one that needs fixed! And then she told me that Mom said if she had read that book early in her marriage she thinks it would have turned out so very differently. OK, OK.
And then I read Alisa Bowman’s book (www.projecthappilyeverafter.com). And she made a good point about even if you try all these things and it does not save your marriage, you will still be a better person because of it. That makes sense. Yes, these are things I need to work through anyway. Might as well get started.
So I am reading “Codependent No More.” Anyone want to work thru this crap with me?
Recent Comments