We Ditched the Musical
10 May 2012 1 Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Love my Kids! Tags: anxiety, ativan, Kids, musical, panic attacks, school
Yep! Any of you that have known me for very long know that I am relieved!
(See: Last years musical)
Baseball. Did I tell you how much I love baseball??
Kid3 had a game last night at 7:00. It’s a 40 minute drive to the field.
The musical was at 6:30. Nope that wouldn’t work. :D
We let them choose which they wanted to do. And yes I even offered to take Kid2 to the musical first and then we could go to the game late. She was thrilled to get out of it. It’s not cool anymore you know when you are 12. Apparently it is “lame”.
Oh. my. gosh. What a tough day though! It rained on and off all day. So we kept thinking that they would cancel the game. If they cancelled the game, we’d go to the musical instead. See what I mean?
It’s bad enough to dread it and anticipate it and try to prepare myself for those blasted bleachers – but then it was just an anxiety roller coaster all day for me!
Is it raining?
Is the game cancelled?
Oh, the sun is out!
Is it supposed to rain tonight?
Should I take an ativan?
Raining again.
Who is that text from?
Did they cancel the game?
Aaagghhhh
Ha. Actually I kept that to myself – it was just in my head. I got a lot of work done yesterday – willing myself to stay focused to avoid the drama in my head.
We went to the game, it rained on the boys but they played through it. Apparently there was a power outage in town last night and the lights went out at the school. The musical continued with the emergency lights on in the gym. They sang a cappella. I don’t know if they still had the art show and book fair afterwards, not sure how they would unless they have great emergency lights in the grade school hallways. I’m hoping they reschedule that actually. I enjoy that.
I went all day without an ativan. I had planned to take it around 5:00 – then I would be prepared for however the night turned out. I got busy and forgot. Right as we were leaving for the game I remembered I never took one. I don’t usually need one for games anymore. BUT of course there was road construction and a very long wait. And a very long narrow roadway we had to maneuver through after we did finally get to go….
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And I had a panic attack right there in the driver’s seat.
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Not good. I felt dizzy. Passing out scares me and I felt like I was going to. You aren’t allowed to pass out when you are driving down the road with your kids in the car with you though now are you!?!? So I fought through it. I rolled down the windows, I fidgeted all around, I blasted the air conditioning in my face even though the kids were already cold from me opening the windows. (I told them I hated the smell of the blacktop and this would help. ) LOL I started talking fast like a crazy person – about all the construction workers and what they were doing. See how big that roller is, doesn’t that blacktop smell terrible, see that dude sitting there eating his lunch, oh they’re going to paint lines soon, and blah blah blah.
I got through it. I couldn’t go fast through the maze of traffic cones. And there was no way out and it sucked. But I got through it. And then I felt like jello. Panic attacks are exhausting!
The day was stressful cuz of not knowing what to expect. The anticipation of the unknown. And this is also my PMS time – so my anxiety levels are sky high anyway. And ever since that last panic attack I have been on high alert I guess. Add it all up and a panic attack was bound to get me.
I did take an ativan once we got to the ball field. I knew we’d be in that same construction on the way home and I really didn’t want to go through all that again. I’ll try it again another day. The ride home was uneventful. Yay.
NOW…. today is track & field for Kid2 and Kid3. Last year it rained so they moved it inside to the gym. I took an ativan and went twice that day. It’s not raining now but it looks like it might at any second. I’m guessing they will move it inside again but I really hope not! Aside from the fact that I hate sitting there in those bleachers, track & field is really a lot more fun outside! Outside they run & jump the hurdles, they hit baseballs, they throw balls at bowling pins, the do the shot put, they jump over that stick and land on the big mat (what is that called?!?), they have relay races. It is a LOT more fun. Last year all they did was play dodgeball for 40 minutes. Yes, we sat there and watched them pummel balls at each other for 40 minutes. Great job gym teachers. They couldn’t think of anyway to do actual track & field type activities in the gym? I thought it was stupid. Can you tell?
This morning I asked my kids if they’d mind if I didn’t come if it was in the gym again. They both said they didn’t care. I’m not sure my mommy guilt will let me stay home though, we’ll see.
Pray for sunshine :)
Panic Attacks: Stop!
18 Apr 2012 2 Comments
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety, ativan, baseball, panic attacks
I am getting very irritated about these stupid panic attacks.
Ever since I had that panic attack at the parent teacher conference, I have been having more & more trouble.
This is the vicious cycle of panic attacks. When you don’t have one for a while, when you are managing them well – you build confidence. And it gets better & better.
As soon as one gets you though, it is like a downward spiral. I cannot seem to stop it. I have been so anxious the last few days in places that I have already conquered! I was terribly anxious tonight at the baseball field talking to the other parents. I had to sit and wait and wait and wait in road construction today and so many of my driving fears came flooding back. It wasn’t a full on panic attack, but I had to work really hard – trying not to freak out. Things like that have been easy for me for a good while now so it completely sucks going back there.
And what great timing. Not. Here we are at the most stressful time of the year for me. All the end-of-year school events are coming up. And here I am with shattered confidence – having to go in there and fight the panic monster. Again. It’s not like I’m starting completely over. For that I am thankful! But it is definitely going to be harder than last year. And last year was no picnic.
This was not my plan! My plan was to get better and better at this stuff every year. My goal was to be completely (or at least mostly!!) over this crap by the time I have to sit in the big bleachers and cheer for son on the high school basketball team. Or football team. I’m a girl that likes a plan.
Right now his favorite sport is baseball – I’d be thrilled it he chose that one to stick with and dropped the rest! Sitting outside on the back of the truck, or in our fold up chairs in the lawn watching the kids play – I love that! :)
Another thing coming up is my grandmother’s 90th birthday party celebration. There is an open house at the church in the afternoon so she can see all her friends she hasn’t seen since she moved out of state to live with my uncle. Then the family is having a dinner that evening. Like in a banquet room. Nightmare. Before this I was looking at it as just another challenge – now it is consuming my thoughts. The what ifs are getting out of control.
Yes, I know there is really nothing to worry about. But panic attacks are not logical or reasonable.
I have been taking more ativan lately also. That sucks. I was proud of that fact that I was not depending on that magic little pill so much anymore. Now I’m back to counting pills to be sure I call the Dr for a new prescription in time. I am worrying about running out of them. YUK! I hate that.
Tonight my son had baseball pictures. I took an ativan before we went. 2 weeks ago, I wouldn’t have done that.
I will pull out of this. I will. I guess I’m just having a little pity party. Panic attacks suck so bad.
Nerve Tonic
16 Apr 2012 2 Comments
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Health & Happiness Tags: anxiety, ativan, wellbutrin
I bought this at Walmart. It’s been in my desk drawer for quite a while.
Wellbutrin makes me shake. I have trouble even cutting a straight line. My daughter asked me to paint her nails. That did not work! It has really been bugging me and becoming a real problem.
Usually an ativan helps but I don’t want to take any more of those than necessary so I tried this.
I am amazed. It may be too good to be true.
It takes away my Wellbutrin shakes!
I have not noticed any side effects. It says it is non-habit forming. Seems to good to be true. The box says ” Temporarily relieves the symptoms of simple nervous tension and stress.” I don’t think my nervous tension is simple by any means! lol I have no idea if it would actually help with my anxiety but I am going to keep trying it because I am amazed at how it made my shaking stop! Yay!
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When I first tried it I made some notes on my daily log just to keep track of it.
3/25 nerve tonic pill – took about 2:55 pm- now its 4:05 pm and I am definitely calmer and the shaking has slowed down! Cool!
3/27 – nerve tonic at 11:53 am – visibly shaking – gonna check in an hour and see if my hand is still!
– definitely helped but didn’t completely stop, don’t feel as jittery though!
– Took a 2nd nerve tonic at 4:04 pm – we’ll see!
– no kidding! 7:33 pm- I can hold my hand still !
Free To Stress Myself Out
21 Mar 2012 4 Comments
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety, ativan, Kids, panic attacks, parenting, school, venting
I am free this morning.
Kids are off to school. Hubby is at an auction. He left work at 4am, came home, changed, picked up his dad at 5:30 am and off they went. The auction is about 1 1/2 hours away. Crazy if you ask me – but these are things that John Deere fanatics do :)
So I am home alone. This is very rare. I have not done anything differently than normal – I started laundry, put another coat of poly on the table I am refinishing, cleaned up a little, and sat down here at the computer to get to work. That’s not really different. (Except that I am blogging, not working :/) What is different is the way I feel! I just love that I can do whatever I want and no-one is gonna question me or criticize me. It’s freeing! Even though I am only doing laundry etc. My hubby has something to say about everything! I am constantly having to explain myself or defend a decision I made. It is exhausting!
(Occasionally I go on strike and refuse to answer his questions or defend my choices. I tell him I’m sick of explaining myself to him and then I refuse to. Ha. Perhaps it’s time for that again. See what perspective some alone time can bring :)
Unfortunately this day is stressing me out for other reasons. I am taking Kid3 to the dentist after school today – he has cavities that need to be taken care of. I have been putting it off because they are in his baby teeth and I was hoping they would just fall out soon. It hasn’t happened yet. One is looking pretty icky and is not loose at all. He has never had this done before and is very worried that it is going to hurt. And we all know how I love the dentist. I’m nervous for him. I’m also nervous that I will have panic attack from having to sit there and watch. I don’t do good with stuff like that.
To add to that, I expect to get my period today, so my hormones are in overdrive. Hormones greatly affect my anxiety! My anxiety levels always skyrocket when I have PMS.
I also have a gazillion upcoming events swirling around in my head that I am already starting to stress about. Teacher conferences are in 2 weeks I think. The spring musical is coming up in May. The kids have started practicing their songs and whining about having to go. Hubby already told them they had to. It seems like the school year is going to end quickly. Everyone is talking about all the happenings, and planning all this stuff. Kid1 has the spring formal to attend. The band concert is coming up. The music teacher has mentioned that she may have the 6th graders play with the band too – which means that both Kid1 & Kid2 would be in it. Kid2 asked me to help chaperone their field trip. Not sure yet where they are going, but a charter bus in usually involved. Talk about feeling trapped! How can I say no?? When your kid wants you around, you take advantage of it! :) And the year end awards assemblies that I absolutely LOVE (sarcasm!)? They are coming up too only this year will be bigger. Kid2 is “graduating” from elementary school. They have a 6th grade graduation assembly which is longer and involves a reception type thing in the cafeteria afterward. (Our school system has elementary school from K-6 and the the high school is grades 7-12)
I know all these things are not happening today and I need to put them out of my mind. I know that they will not be as bad as I anticipate. They never are. I also know that the dentist today will be ok. It just will.
It’s been a good while since I’ve taken any ativan. I couldn’t remember when so I looked at my Joes Goals Log and see that it was March 1st when I took Kid1 shopping to get her dress for the formal. (That’s a whole other post!) Very cool that’s been that long. I can’t remember the last time I took an ativan…. I like that sentence! So I’m gonna remind myself that I’ve been doing good, that I know it’s just hormones that are kicking my butt today, I am not insane, and it will all be OK. And I will definitley be taking an ativan this afternoon.
And that is OK.
Ativan as Needed for Anxiety
23 Feb 2012 3 Comments
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Take That Panic Attacks! Tags: anxiety, ativan, Lorazepam
I just called in to request a refill for my Ativan.
It’s a no-refill prescription so I have to call every time. They give me 30 pills. The directions on the bottle say “Take one tablet by mouth every six hours as needed for anxiety.” Wow. If I followed those instruction I would run out in a little over a week!
Usually a prescription lasts me about a month. At first they did NOT last a whole month. I remember a time when I was ever so careful with those and worried about how many I was taking – cuz they needed to last long enough – until the doctor would approve another prescription. These little pills are/were my sanity savers!
Guess what? The last time I had this refilled was 11/29/11. Woo hoo! That means I’ve had these 30 pills for 87 days!! Yep, I counted. I am amazed and doing a happy dance!
It gets better. There are still 6 little pills left in the bottle! So in 87 days I have only used 24 ativan pills? Amazing!
I was taking them more often than I was happy about around Christmas time with all the parties and band concerts & everything. More recently I have been relying on them to get through the basketball games. But things have slowed down & I’ve been doing pretty good. I even managed Kid3′s birthday party without ativan!
Happy Happy Dance!
Panic Attacks: The Dentist & The Bank
09 Feb 2012 1 Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Love my Kids! Tags: anxiety, ativan, dentist, Kids, panic attacks, Thank You Lord
Let’s talk about the bank shall we?
Well there is really nothing to talk about! THANK YOU LORD.
Let’s talk about the dentist instead….
The morning was rushed as usual. I had no time to get myself in a tizzy. First stop was the dentist. The dentist’s office is not an easy place to go for people with anxiety / panic attacks. But I have had some successes there the last few times we’ve gone so it is getting easier. I took Kid1 today – she has molars coming in, pushing out some baby teeth. The baby teeth are hanging on for dear life and will just not let go! This happened on both sides of her mouth and she complained often that it was sore. I wasn’t too worried about it – I figured they’d fall out on their own eventually. Then she ate some skittles and one of the baby teeth cracked right in half. So half of it came out. The other half was still hanging on tightly but hurting a lot.
So we went to the dentist. He decided to remove them both right then & there. He gave her 4 shots of novocaine and left the room. We were waiting to give it time to work and then he was going to “extract” her teeth. She wanted to know exactly how he planned to do that and kinda freaked out. I remained calm. I’m the mom right? Moms need to be calm, cool, & collected at times like this.
He came back and explained and she felt better. I didn’t feel better! I was thanking God that I remembered to take ativan that morning in preparation for this wonderful day. I was sitting there, starting to sweat, wondering how on earth I was going to watch him “extract” her teeth. I’ve heard of this before – there is cutting of the gums involved, right? I cannot watch that without having a panic attack! I really can’t. So my mind was racing. I was stuck there. I couldn’t leave. Of course I couldn’t leave – Kid1 was all worried and wanted me there.
So I sat quietly in the chair and patted her leg reassuringly. And I hyper-focused on the TV in the ceiling. I couldn’t hear it very well so I was concentrating really hard on reading their lips. It was a wonderful distraction! I was so worried about having a panic attack. I thought for sure it was coming.
It never did.
It helped that he was very quick. There was no cutting involved. He used his dental tool – which just looked like a nice pair of pliers – and pulled them out. It was over in about 3 minutes. Awesome. (For future reference: Extract means yank it out with pliers :)
They gave us an instruction booklet on how to deal with bleeding gums and what she is allowed to eat etc. She was thrilled to see that she was not allowed to exercise all day. Ha. We left the office with wads of bloody gauze hanging out of her mouth.
And then we headed to the bank.
We did everything at the counter, no little offices were necessary. The very cute guy waiting on me was a nice surprise. He was new and training and took longer than it needed to. I didn’t mind. I don’t think Kid1 minded either. lol She quickly removed the gauze and shoved it in my coat pocket when we walked up to the counter. Yea, in my coat pocket. Nice.
I answered his questions, I signed a paper, we left.
It was nothing. It was easy. It was EASY!
Not once did I feel dizzy. Awesome. Truly awesome.
Back at the car my daughter and I had a nice laugh about cute guys and bloody gauze in my coat pocket :)
Shall I thank those evil genius hackers for giving me the opportunity to conquer one more panic place?
Well, no. But it still felt really awesome.
One Down, Eight More To Go
21 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Take That Panic Attacks! Tags: anxiety, ativan, basketball game, bleachers, panic attacks
There were no bleachers at the basketball game tonight. And really it was only a scrimmage. There were not many people there. Hubby was not there. Girls begged to stay home – I think they were strung out from the Christmas parties they had at school today. So I went myself. I found a chair and sat along the wall next to another mom that was there herself. I sat close but not too close. I don’t know her well and but I do know she likes to yell at the coach when she thinks her kid doesn’t get fair playing time etc.
Well she was lovely. We gabbed & gabbed.
I did NOT take ativan today. There was a battle in my head about this all afternoon. I was not feeling very anxious today at all really. But I was worrying about feeling anxious later at the game. Ugh. I managed to convince myself that I should not take ativan just because I fear I may want to take it later – or wish I had taken it. I should only take it when I am actually feeling an attack come on and really need it.
I felt like I was going to the game naked.
I felt very vulnerable and exposed.
I’m happy to say that those feeling passed pretty quickly and I was able to enjoy the game.
One down, 8 more to go. :)
Take that panic attacks.
O Holy Night was my favorite tonight.
14 Dec 2011 3 Comments
in Love my Kids! Tags: anxiety, ativan, Christmas, event anxiety, holy basil tea, Kids, panic attacks, Thank You Lord
Christmas concert – 7pm
call Grammy to tell her – she’s not home now
supper – pork chops, potatoes, etc – eat by 5 so have time for hw, get ready etc
tulsi tea!!
ativan – take 1 around 2 or 3?
and another by 5:30pm – how early does she have to be there?!
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The concert is over. I am relieved.
Those were my notes from today. It helps me to write it out so I can see the schedule. And yes today I was feeling the ativan. So I planned when to take it. I rarely take 2. I didn’t need to take 2. I’m kinda mad at myself that I did. I just wanted to enjoy it so badly! I wanted tonight to be a success for me in this fight against panic attacks. And at the same time I was sick to death of even thinking about it. I wanted to be numb to it.
It worked. I felt like a normal person sitting there. I still wrote in my notebook. I still played with my camera more than necessary. And it was still hot in there. But I was good.
I even looked around the auditorium and told my kids stories about once upon a time when I went to high school there. It was nice. A few heat flashes here & there but nothing too scary.
I wish I would have fought harder. I wish I had been more determined today to do it without ativan. I didn’t have that in me today. I needed this to be an easy night. I’m not quitting. I just took a break tonight and will resume the fight when I am not so exhausted.
Thank you Lord for beautiful Christmas music :)
And yes, it was actually Christmas music this year! Ha. Not like last year.
O Holy Night was my favorite tonight.
Kid1 plays the clarinet and was right in the front row so we could see her clearly. She really is beautiful. They all dressed in black. The music teacher insists that it is about the music – it is not a fashion show. Guess what? Teenage girls can even make wearing all black fashionable. Oh the neat accessories they wore.
Merry Christmas.
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For more info on Tulsi Tea (Holy Basil Tea) and how it helps anxiety, you can see Jill’s review on PanicFreeMe.com here:
Holy Basil Benefits: Anxiety Relief
Driving Anxiety, Retail Therapy
02 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety, ativan, panic attacks, shopping anxiety
This is day 5 of back to school. I miss my kids. Retail therapy was in order. And I needed to return a pair of jeans to Target and that was a great excuse to go shopping – all by myself :D
(FYI – “Straight” jeans from target look like skinny jeans – never a good look on a 8 year old boy. Stick with the “Relaxed” fit!)
My nerves have been in a bundle lately and I have been depending on ativan too much. I skipped it this morning, determined to see how far I could get without it. The drive there was bad. I was SO anxious. I haven’t had trouble driving much at all lately. I think it was because I am kinda freaking out about driving to OBX next week. That’s another story. The stop lights were really getting to me. I was getting mad cuz it’s stupid. Ugh. But I powered through. I put the car in park a few times while waiting at stop lights. In case I passed out or something you know – which I never have by the way. Usually I have pretzels or something in the car. It really seems like when I snack on something, it helps with the anxiety. Of course there were no pretzels – I have 3 kids – my pretzels often disappear.
I needed to calm myself down and build some confidence. So I went to a dollar store and walked around for a good while. Once upon a time I had a panic attack in this store. It was one of the places I kept returning to in order to beat it. So I knew I could do it. The place is huge – I’ll bet I walked around in there for almost at hour. Somehow I spent $24. Everything is there is $1. lol I spent $24 bucks on stuff that I really didn’t need. “But they have some neat stuff! And it’s only $1!”
With my newfound confidence I went to the liquor store. Ha! Yes, I did. I haven’t been there in a few months and I was out of wine. Riunite Lambrusco please :) Cheap wine. Love it!
The day got better. I shopped until I dropped. Well really only until I had to head home so I could beat the school bus there. I made it through without any ativan and for that I am grateful.
THANK YOU LORD!
(And no, I didn’t drink any wine while I was out! Perhaps I’ll open that later tonight :)
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