Christmas Day was a Good Day
26 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Happy Hubby Moments, Health & Happiness, Marriage, Take That Panic Attacks! Tags: anxiety, Christmas, marriage improvement, Thank You Lord
I smile every time I think about it.
I am so relieved!
As I said earlier, the weekend started pretty rough.
But after all that it was nice. Very nice.
On Christmas eve we had some nice family time. We made cookies, we strung popcorn (hadn’t done that in years!), we read the bible together, we just hung out. Hubby went to bed before the kids and I wished he was awake to put out the gifts etc with me after the kids went to bed.
On Christmas morning, I like to take just a few minutes (like 10?) to wake up before the kids rip into the gifts. Usually this is met with harsh words and total irritation from hubby. I put in my contacts, make some tea, and get settled on the couch with my camera. Then I’m ready. It’s not like they have to wait long and I don’t think it’s horrible for me to ask them to wait a few. This year he didn’t mind. This year he reminded them to wait and I didn’t even hear any irritation in his voice. We sat next to each other on the couch. We talked and laughed. It wasn’t tense and terrible. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.
Yes, he still did things like grump and swear about the transformer toy that challenged him. And yes he had some not so lovely moments with his sister at dinner at his mom’s house that afternoon. It’s not like he’s been transformed into some fake happy go lucky guy. But wow what a difference a year makes!
And from the panic attack / anxiety perspective…. Usually I take an ativan before going to these family functions. I didn’t and it was a little uncomfortable at times but it was ok. Like I said, Christmas Day was a Good Day!
I hope everyone had a Merry Merry Christmas!
THANK YOU LORD
A Rough Start
26 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Tags: Christmas, marriage improvement
After a rough start to the weekend when I was convinced it was the beginning of the end….. it turned around. Completely.
(I’m not gonna share my post about that rough start cuz wow was I angry when I typed that out. I think I’ll keep that one private :/ )
I was so hurt & angry at him, and I just KNEW he was gonna ruin it all….
Then I was wrapping stocking gifts in my bedroom on Saturday afternoon and the movie “Fireproof” came on. Talk about a sign. It was right at the part when the Dad is talking to his son about not giving up on his marriage. Yes, the movie is a little hokey and preachy. But the point is still valid. And when I was on the treadmill Friday morning, Joyce Meyers came on and her whole sermon was about forgiveness. She basically said that you shouldn’t grumble & complain if you are the one that always has to apologize first or take the first steps towards reconciliation, because that just means you are the more mature one. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that the other person doesn’t care as much. It doesn’t mean they never would do it. It just means that you are more mature. She said skip the drama about refusing to do it and waiting for them to do it. It just drags it out longer and then everyone is miserable longer. She said don’t hold grudges! I can relate to that :) So I had already been spinning that around in my mind.
Then the more I thought about it – the more I wanted to go into Christmas Day with a clean slate. I didn’t want leftover garbage to start the day off on the wrong foot. I needed it to stand alone and be what it was going to be. I guess I just really needed to know for sure that we were making progress. Yes, a happy Christmas without his moody anger as a dark cloud over everything would really show me the status of our relationship!
So I took the first steps to make up with my hubby. Should I have had to do that? No. But I did anyway. And it was easy. He explained his part, I explained mine. We figured it out. Still sucks that we have to constantly explain ourselves to each other. But it is what it is. And it was over and we sat on the couch together. He watched the football game & I sorted through mail. The whole mood in our house changed. The kids noticed and I was glad I acted maturely and took the first step. :)
Yes, Christmas day was a big relationship test. I’m sorry but yes, that’s what I had turned it into.
Hubby knew how I felt about past Christmases. And you know, Christmas is supposed to be such a joyous occasion that it has really pissed me off that so many of them lately have been ruined by his nastiness. I remember how it used to be my favorite day. It had become a day I dreaded. It was time to put an end to that. And we did. Hopefully for good.
Related Posts: Crying on Christmas
My Ideal Christmas Day
21 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Health & Happiness Tags: Christmas
I know I shouldn’t do this. I know I should not get my hopes so way up high! I keep thinking about it though.
I am afraid he will ruin another Christmas.
Not because of any recent issues, just because the past few have really sucked with him.
REALLY sucked. Last year it was what ultimately led me to decide I was done with this marriage.
SO. Yea, I’m a day dreamer sometimes. I should be working but I’m so distracted by this! So I’m here to type it out :)
Imagine a Christmas morning where everyone wakes up happy that it is Christmas. Not with swearing about coffee not made yet or having to wait until the microwave beeps, and my tea is done.
Imagine a happy family laughing and getting along as they open gifts. Imagine a hubby that smiles at his wife. Imagine kids that are not afraid of being yelled at for opening a box or whatever to play with a new toy instead of waiting until all the gifts are opened.
Imagine a hubby that says Thank You to his wife for the gift she gave him. Imagine him smiling at her while she opens her gift.
Seems like basic stuff right? It ought to be. Isn’t it that way in most families? Even while growing up in my dysfunctional family, Christmas morning was no way as stressful as it has gotten here. So yea, I feel like I’m harping on this. Better typing it out here than saying it out loud and nagging hubby about it I guess.
This Year is Different.
15 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Health & Happiness Tags: anxiety, Christmas, event anxiety
Relief. I feel calm. I feel like I can slow down now and perhaps enjoy this Christmas season more now.
I was feeling overwhelmed and like I had an endless list. Well I still have a really big list. But I have realized that it is a lot shorter than last year’s list! A lot of the chaos was in my mind – because I was expecting it to get so very crazy like last year.
When I read back over that list I typed out a few days ago, I thought “wow – that actually doesn’t look so bad!”
And now the biggest stressor of the week – the Christmas concert – is over.
This year is different.
The rest of the week will be a piece of cake now. Busy, but not panic attack material.
What is different than last year?
My kids are involved in fewer activities. Last year Kids 2 & 3 were both in basketball leagues. This year, just kid3. And I don’t have to worry about having a bleacher meltdown until January 7th. So I can mark that off of my list.
Girls Scouts. Ah yes. Girl Scouts. This is the first time in 8 years that I am not a GS leader and my kids are not in troops. Girl Scouts kept us busy. “Girl Scouts make the world a better place.” And we tried hard to fulfill that motto at Christmas time. We went Christmas caroling to the old folks homes. We took a field trip to a store and bought presents to donate. We wrapped gifts for people. We delivered gifts to elderly neighbors. We made a float for the Christmas parade. We sent Christmas card to soldiers. And we had a Christmas party.
I forgot how very busy & nuts I was trying to plan all that for the girls. It was a lot of fun and I often miss being a leader. BUT, I appreciate that I have more time now for everything else. This year has been crazy. I can’t imagine what a mess I would be if I was trying to squeeze that in too.
And the MAIN thing that is different? I’m not wanting to kick my hubby out of the house like I was last year. I’m not crying all day long. Or angry all day long. Or so stinkin’ lonely. I’m not crying myself to sleep at night. We’re not hating each other like we were.
So, this is definitley an improvement. And I’m glad I can see it more clearly now. I’m not saying I won’t get overwhelmed again before this holiday is over. But this perspective will help me keep it all in check.
Now I’m off to bed because I took off work tomorrow and hope to finish most of my Christmas shopping! G’night!
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas! 
O Holy Night was my favorite tonight.
14 Dec 2011 3 Comments
in Love my Kids! Tags: anxiety, ativan, Christmas, event anxiety, holy basil tea, Kids, panic attacks, Thank You Lord
Christmas concert – 7pm
call Grammy to tell her – she’s not home now
supper – pork chops, potatoes, etc – eat by 5 so have time for hw, get ready etc
tulsi tea!!
ativan – take 1 around 2 or 3?
and another by 5:30pm – how early does she have to be there?!
————————————————-
The concert is over. I am relieved.
Those were my notes from today. It helps me to write it out so I can see the schedule. And yes today I was feeling the ativan. So I planned when to take it. I rarely take 2. I didn’t need to take 2. I’m kinda mad at myself that I did. I just wanted to enjoy it so badly! I wanted tonight to be a success for me in this fight against panic attacks. And at the same time I was sick to death of even thinking about it. I wanted to be numb to it.
It worked. I felt like a normal person sitting there. I still wrote in my notebook. I still played with my camera more than necessary. And it was still hot in there. But I was good.
I even looked around the auditorium and told my kids stories about once upon a time when I went to high school there. It was nice. A few heat flashes here & there but nothing too scary.
I wish I would have fought harder. I wish I had been more determined today to do it without ativan. I didn’t have that in me today. I needed this to be an easy night. I’m not quitting. I just took a break tonight and will resume the fight when I am not so exhausted.
Thank you Lord for beautiful Christmas music :)
And yes, it was actually Christmas music this year! Ha. Not like last year.
O Holy Night was my favorite tonight.
Kid1 plays the clarinet and was right in the front row so we could see her clearly. She really is beautiful. They all dressed in black. The music teacher insists that it is about the music – it is not a fashion show. Guess what? Teenage girls can even make wearing all black fashionable. Oh the neat accessories they wore.
Merry Christmas.
—————————-
For more info on Tulsi Tea (Holy Basil Tea) and how it helps anxiety, you can see Jill’s review on PanicFreeMe.com here:
Holy Basil Benefits: Anxiety Relief
Fighting Panic Attacks This Time of Year
12 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety, Christmas, exposure therapy, panic attacks
The Christmas hustle & bustle gets me every year. Busy, Busy, Busy.
Friday – We put the Christmas tree and decorations up. We made 16 dozen cookies. We cleaned the house etc for company.
Saturday – Kid3 to doctor in AM with pink eye. Yuk!
“Cookie Baking Day” at my house. Family started showing up around 10am and the last few left around 10pm. This is an annual tradition that I love. We host it every year. (Hubby hides all day – only stopping in occasionally for food. ) Fun, but tiring!
Sunday – I had no motivation and did the minimal amount required. This put me behind for the week :(
Monday – Monday is always ‘catch up’ day. Catch up on work stuff that happened over the weekend. Catch up on house stuff that was neglected over the weekend. I rarely plan appointments etc for Mondays just because it is catch up day.
Today is also a basketball scrimmage for Kid3. I did not go. Hubby took him.
Tuesday – Back to the eye doctor. Kid3 gets his first ever pair of glasses. Kid2 gets new lenses put in hers. I get to pick up my contacts. Feeling ok about going back. This visit will be shorter and we will not be back in those little rooms :) Plus we were just there and I survived so that was a confidence booster. Thank you exposure therapy.
Wednesday – Christmas Concert at school. I survived it last year. I had a good time actually. Of course I will fret about this the most this week though. I really hate hot crowded auditoriums! Hopefully hubby will go too. Not for me, for Kid1.
Thursday – Hubby & I are supposed to go Christmas shopping. This will be fun if I can find time to plan in advance. I have to make lists and see what I already bought for everyone – especially the kids – so I’m sure it’s going to balance out OK. I don’t worry about the exact number of gifts, or the exact dollar amount, but of course you want it to be fair. And I have other family gifts to buy too. We have a Christmas party on Saturday. We exchange names so I will HAVE to have those present done. Yay for deadlines I guess.
Thursday night Kid3 has practice so that is just a little bit of running around.
Friday – Nothing is on the calendar! Yippee! Ha. But really I will be going to the grocery store if I don’t on Thursday, prepping food and wrapping gifts etc for Christmas party on Saturday.
Saturday – Kid3 has a basketball game at 4pm. Christmas party at my brother’s house is at 5:30pm. Not sure if hubby and I will just go opposite ways, and they will meet us there after the game… or if we will all go to the game and then all be late for the party. That would work if I was not taking hot food. Don’t want it sitting in the car for 2 hours… We’ll figure this out later I guess.
The kids go to school until next Thursday and then are off until Jan 3rd. Hubby is off work the last week of December also. Hopefully that will be relaxing, not stressful :)
I had all of this swirling around in my head today and needed to type it out. I was getting quite anxious, feeling like this week was going to be dreadful. It doesn’t look so bad now. Really I think the Christmas concert Wednesday night is the only thing I really need to freak out about. LOL Obviously I don’t really need to freak out about that. But I have been. I think I will be calmer now and not feel so overwhelmed by all the activities this week.
My plan for the concert: ENJOY the music.
I used to love this kind of thing. I want to love it again. I am determined to love it!
I find it interesting that right around this time last year, I wrote a post called. “Busy Week – Lord, Help me to not Panic!“ This is definitely the hardest time of year for me.
Crying on Christmas
27 Dec 2010 1 Comment
in Marriage Tags: Christmas, Marriage is Hard
Last Christmas sucked.
I can’t remember exactly what the problem was. I do remember that hubby sat on the other side of the living room and refused to look at me all morning. I played happy for the kids and pretended not to notice. I got him a baseball glove so he could play with his kids. He had been looking for his old glove and could not find it. He refused to look at me and just said “I told you not to get me anything.” He says that every year. I should listen to him shouldn’t I? He did like his gift. He has used it a lot this past year. Kids 1&2 are in the softball league and kid 3 is in the baseball league in our town. Lots of practices and games. His mitt got a lot of use. It was a good gift.
I was REALLY hoping this Christmas would be better. We had been talking more. I even told him how last Christmas sucked for me. He said he had no idea. He also said I make too big a deal about stuff. But he had been trying. After the kids went to bed on Christmas eve, I sat in the living room reading, he sat in the other room watching tv. I asked him why he didn’t come out and watch tv with me. He said you were reading I didn’t want to disturb you. Bull. Since when has he ever worried about that before. I sat there thinking that this was supposed to be a special night. This just felt lonely.
Christmas morning: well apparently I made a big deal out of something. He shut down. I could feel it as soon as I said Good morning to him. He gave me a wonderful gift. I was surprised. I said “Really?!?!?” when I opened it. I promise I just said it in a surprised, like omg you really got this for me? awesome! kind of way. He went off – yes really, why do I make such a big deal of everything, blah blah blah. I don’t remember his words. I remember the hurt. Kid2 told him to be nice. I just put the gift aside and said nothing. I stuck it out until the rest of the gifts were unwrapped and then went to take a shower. I cried and cried. I wanted to scream – I WANT A DIVORCE! I was screaming it in my head. Wouldn’t that make a nice Christmas memory for my kids? Lovely.
After my shower I went back down to make breakfast for the kids. I make sticky buns every year on Christmas morning. Hubby started talking to me like nothing was wrong. In the shower I had decided I wasn’t going to his parents for dinner. I changed my mind. I like his family. If I didn’t go I would just sit here and cry. So I made food to take with us. Everyone just played with their new toys. And then we went to his parents’ house. The rest of the day was nice. Not awesome, but nice.
I got him a camera. We have a camera that we all share. He has been saying for a while that he wants his own. I got him one. When he opened it he said “I finally got my own camera.” and he smiled. Yay! Still wouldn’t look at me and was less than thrilled when I took his a picture of him with his gift. (With our other camera, not his new one!) I wanted him to look at me and say thanks. Truly is that too much to ask? That’s what we teach our kids to do right? Yes I was happy that he liked it. But he still would not look at me.
I think it was the next day when he was playing with it in the kitchen, and was talking about the neat features… I said in a goofing around voice – “Thank you for my cool camera! You’re welcome hubby! So glad you like it!” I was smiling. I laughed. We had been getting along. He totally changed gears. He said in a very irritated voice “Now why did you have to do that?!” He was pissed. I don’t know. Maybe I should have left well enough alone. But honestly it was like he was REFUSING to acknowledge me. Like it would just kill him to thank me or say something nice to me. And I was trying to call him on it. Maybe I did make a big deal of it. But you know what? Maybe I just really want need some appreciation from my husband. I think all wives do. Would it kill him? Apparently.
Happy Hubby Moment #7 – The Christmas Tree
13 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Happy Hubby Moments Tags: Christmas
He came with me to get our Christmas tree.
He took pictures of me :)
I usually just dig our fake one out of the attic. I hate it. It’s huge. It scratches my arms all up when pull it down the attic steps. We got a new recliner this year that is too big for our living room. So we have less room for a tree. I didn’t want that huge tree. They are selling them for $12 at a store close to us but their hours are weird and are only open during the day – or I would have included the kids! He told me this morning to just go get one, he wasn’t coming. I remained silent for a while. (I am trying to delay my responses – so that I am thoughtful and don’t over-react or spout out something I will regret. Sounds corny maybe, but a little self-control is good for all of us right ??!) Then I said that I really wished he would come. He was not interested. I said “It’s a sad day when I have to pick out a Christmas tree all by myself!”
And to me it is! We always had a real tree growing up – and we would all go pick it out together. And until were given that wonderful fake tree, Hubby and I always had one too – we have great pics of us picking out a tree – him dragging the tree, me carrying our babies through the snow. So I think that sounds terribly sad. I wanted to scream “We might as well be divorced already!” But I didn’t. And ever-wise, Kid2 told him he really should come with me because it would be nice.
So he came. And it said “Closed Today” in a messy hand-written sign on the door. Ha!
Well, we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. So Hubby called him at home and asked if we could get one and he’d drop off the money tomorrow. (The fact that he did this is huge to me. I would have expected him to just grump about having to come with me , and now the store is closed and I’ll just have to get my own tree tomorrow, blah, blah, blah!) The owner said yes and we have a real tree in the living room now. I think our last real tree was 6 years ago. I’m excited :) The kids & I will decorate it later this week – in between basketball practices and Christmas shopping trips.
Hubby even asked me if I had the camera on our way to get the tree. I said no. I am the only one who ever takes pics. If I want to be in one so people know I actually existed, I have to ask someone to take it. He said I should have brought it – we always take pics when we pick out the tree. So when we got home and I was watering the tree, he took my pic. Too bad I was down on the floor with my butt in the air, trying to crawl under the tree….. It’s the thought that counts right?
Our $12 Tree
Christmas Concert was beautiful!
08 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Love my Kids! Tags: anxiety, Christmas, Thank You Lord
Very beautiful. I took more ativan than I wish I would have. I took a whole pill about an hour before it was time to go. Usually half a pill will do, but I was a nervous wreck today. But it was very nice. Hubby went too. In-laws went. It was pretty short. I actually wished it would have been longer. Ha! Who would’ve thought! The chorus sang 4 songs and the band only played 3. Kid1 plays the clarinet. She looked beautiful up there. And she didn’t even squeak loudly which was her biggest fear about the evening! lol But it was over so quickly. I was sitting there thinking that I stressed so much about this and now I’m here and doing great, they need to play some more to make this worth my while! ha ha But now I feel more confident about the rest of the week. I think that was going to be the roughest one. Whew. Ladies dinner will be a piece of cake – right !?!?
THANK YOU LORD for the beautiful music! Thank you Lord for the Peace you bring into my heart.
A side note: The program said it was a “Winter Concert”, not a Christmas Concert. It was kind of disappointing. In trying to be so politically correct, the only “Christmas song” they played or sang was little drummer boy. That was it. I did not recognize ANY of the other music. I was looking forward to feeling peaceful as they played ‘Silent Night’ or something.
Recent Comments