Our 18th Anniversary
07 May 2012 5 Comments
in Marriage Tags: anniversary, communication, husband, Love
Saturday was our 18th wedding anniversary.
Things have definitely been better around here since I backed off and took a break from the drama with him. More on that later.
Not too long ago I told hubby that I needed him to kinda make a big deal of special days like birthdays, mothers day, anniversaries etc. I know that he knows that I need that. I don’t think I ever said it to him in such a straight forward way before though.
“You know how I’ve told you that I need you to show me that you appreciate me? Well I need it even more on days like mother’s day and anniversaries and birthdays and stuff. I don’t need anything big. You can get me flowers. Or pick me flowers! Or write me a note – it doesn’t even have to cost anything. I don’t want a big expensive thing. I just want to know you appreciate me. I need you to celebrate those days.”
“But you aren’t my mother.”
“I’m the mother of your children. That counts.”
“OK.”
On Wednesday hubby asked me if we were gonna do anything special for our anniversary. I asked him what he wanted to do. He didn’t know. I was thrilled that he was thinking about it. I was thrilled that he even cared to bring it up!
We talked about going to dinner. We figured out that we would be at a baseball game at 4:30 on Saturday. Maybe the kids could go home from the game with Gram& Pap. Maybe we could go out for breakfast instead…
Neither of those happened actually. But it was still ok. It was a nice day. He acknowledged our anniversary and was not acting irritated by it. He was sweet actually. He was easy to get along with all day. We had fun goofing off together at the baseball game.
After the game, he took the kids for ice cream. I went to Walmart with our mammoth grocery list. When I got home from the store he quickly got all the kids to come help carry in groceries and HE HELPED TOO. He has not done that in a very long time. I am so used to him being irritated at the world that I just do all these things myself. He helped carry bags in, he helped put things away. He didn’t comment rudely about anything I bought. Nice.
And then later, when I was cleaning up the kitchen, I found a note on the counter. 
(He does know how to spell anniversary by the way. He makes fun of my spelling when I text – I leave out the vowels in many words to make them shorter obviously. That’s why he wrote it that way! )
The note was a photocopy of a kindle with a note on the top of it. I have been borrowing my sister’s kindle – trying to figure out if I really want one – and if I will really use it.
He said he noticed that I have been reading in bed again – like I used to do – and he wants to get me one.
The “Forever and Ever Amen” is what we used to say to each other all the time. It is even inscribed on the inside of his wedding band.
I haven’t heard those words in a very long time.
Oh – and I got him a peach pie. His favorite. Simple, but much appreciated.
Stop the Insanity
02 May 2012 2 Comments
in Marriage Tags: anger, communication, husband, Marriage is Hard
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“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.“
-Albert Einstein
I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now.
I decided to stop the insanity. I decided that I needed to take a break from my Hubby. Call it a time out.
This began way back when we had the sleeping in the basement argument. Seems like a long time ago. Wow – that was March 3rd. 2 months! It’s been longer than I thought.
That night I decided that I was no longer going to go out of my way to talk to him, or do nice things for him, or be helpful, or smile at him if I didn’t feel like it, or say “I love you” like we do on autopilot when one of us leaves the house. I was going to change the things that I could to avoid the negative crap that he heaps onto me. And that I let him heap on me.
It started small.
I decided to stop saying “I love you” to him. I was just hurting myself – I’d say it to him – he would reply with either “Yep” or “Love you too.” No expression. No real feeling behind it. And I would be hurt my that.
I figured out that I could stop that cycle. (Duh, right?) I could just stop saying “I love you” to my husband. Believe it or not, this was hard for me! Yes, even though our marriage is a mess, it was hard. That stopped the half-ass replies. Problem solved. Kinda.
Next – Every morning when he got home from work, Kid3 and I would be at the table talking & eating breakfast. When hubby comes up the basement steps, we are right there. I would say good morning to him, or sometimes I would say nothing. Some days he would smile and start talking about his night. Some days he would ignore me completely. Some days he would glare right through me. I never knew what to expect.
I figured out there was no reason I should put myself thru that crap every single morning. (Again, duh right?) So I changed the morning routine just a little and when it was time for him to get home, I’d be upstairs getting dressed. I removed myself from the situation. Again, problem solved. Kinda.
I kept doing things like that. If he’d ask me if there was any coffee made. I’d say no. That’s it. Before I’d have told him no and then offered to make him some. When he asked me if we were out of honey, I said I don’t know and I told him to check the pantry. Before I would have jumped up and went in search of honey. When it was getting close to time for him to leave for work, I didn’t go hang out with him in the kitchen before he left like I have been doing for years…. I just kept doing whatever I was doing and if he wanted to say goodbye to me before he left for work, he’d have to come find me. (Some days he did, some days he didn’t.) See what I mean? I wasn’t mean. I was just distant.
And here is TMI. We have had sex ONE TIME since then. Once in 2 months. What?? That is craziness. For us, that is a long time!
I kept my distance from him so much that it wasn’t even an issue I guess. He would have had to actually make some kind of effort. That didn’t happen. So it didn’t happen.
to be continued…
I Told Hubby I Have a BLOG
22 Apr 2012 4 Comments
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Marriage Tags: communication, husband
About anxiety, not our marriage….
I don’t remember exactly when I told him, it was shortly before the fight we had when he slept in the basement.
We were attempting to talk about our relationship. Somehow it got to me saying I feel like he doesn’t even know me. I brought up my panic attacks and that they are such a huge deal in my life, a huge part of pretty much every day of my life. I pointed out that he knew nothing about that really at all cuz I don’t talk about it and he doesn’t ask. I said something to the effect that I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish we had each other to work through all of life’s craziness together.
And I told him I have a blog.
I told him that I met a lot of really awesome people online who I talk to about it a lot. I said isn’t it sad that my friends online who I have never even really met know me better than my own husband does? He said “I’m glad you have them to talk to.”
He said it in a kind way – like he is truly glad that I have a support system. Wonderful. But the part that is not wonderful? Seems like he was just relieved to not have to be bothered with it. With me.
And it hasn’t been mentioned since.
He wasn’t phased one bit. I was shocked. This is the man that pretty much forbid me to even have a facebook account. It took a while for me to get a backbone and get one anyway. That was when I had had enough and stood up to him and shook up the whole relationship. (Yay me!) So I was very surprised by his response.
I don’t know what any of it means. It’s just another thing that happened. I felt the need to type it out here.
Life Goes On
13 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Marriage Tags: communication, Marriage is Hard, yelling
We’re talking again. The refrigerator broke. We had to discuss it.
He asked if I am happier today.
I said “I guess I’m supposed to be sorry for yelling at you, but I’m not.”
He said ” I don’t blame you.”
I asked him if he heard me yet.
He said “How could I not?”
And life goes on. I don’t expect anything to change.
On a happier note….
My daughter is going to the formal tonight. She lost 7 pounds – the dress she loved motivated her :) She insisted it was the one even though it was too tight. She convinced me she could lose 8 pounds in 4 weeks and begged me to buy it anyway. She lost 7. She tried it on a few days ago and it zipped up so easily – she was thrilled! I’m so proud of her!
Just One Word
13 Apr 2012 2 Comments
in Marriage Tags: communication, Marriage is Hard
We didn’t speak at all last night until he was leaving for work at 10pm.
From a different room he sarcastically said “Goodnight!”
I said “Goodnight. “
And he left.
This morning I went upstairs to get dressed right before he got home.
We talked to our kids, but not to each other.
The kids left for school, he is outside.
It’s been quite peaceful actually.
She’s Rude and He’s Not?
14 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: communication, husband, parenting, rudeness
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The morning started out fine. Kid2 got dressed, ate breakfast, and went back upstairs to do her hair just like she does every morning. When she came down she was ticked at the world.
Of course hubby saw this and couldn’t let it go. So he starts demanding “What’s your problem?!” And my bull-headed child refused to answer. Yep, my little 12 year old would not answer her big loud scary Dad. (I am amazed every time my kids do this sort of thing.)
He asked her several more times, becoming more irritated each time. He said “I asked you a question!” She said “So!” Imagine it real snotty from a tween and you get the picture.
The kids left to walk out the driveway to the bus.
He said “I hate when she gets like that. It’s so rude! Aaaghhh.”
LOL Are you laughing with me right now?? I couldn’t help it so of course I said “That’s just like what you do to me. You look past me and pretend you didn’t even hear me and you refuse to answer me.”
“Not like that though! I’m not rude like that! No.” he said. Apparently he thinks the way he does it is OK. Really? Is there a way to do that that is not rude? She learned this from him!
I kinda raised my eyebrows at him and he knew I disagreed, but I let it go. He’s been in a pretty good mood since Sunday so I let it go. No need to create trouble when there is peace.
Helping My Kids Understand Him
08 Mar 2012 4 Comments
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: communication, husband, Kids, marriage, Marriage is Hard, parenting
I am constantly explaining hubby to my kids. His kids. I hate that he put me in this position – where it is actually an ongoing conversation – why daddy does what he does… Ugh.
I don’t want to continually bad mouth him – but it’s very hard to talk to them and answer their questions about him without doing that!
Kid3 asked me the other night why daddy was sleeping in the basement. I didn’t answer right away. I was trying to find the right words. “Cuz your dad is an ass!” would not really be appropriate would it. Instead I said “Cuz he’s stubborn.” He just smiled and said “Yea, he is.” And that was that.
Usually when they ask me why he won’t go somewhere or why he said or did something, my answer is “You’ll have to ask him.” That works for some stuff. But really, they are trying to figure him out just like I am. I think it’s my job to help them figure it out and explain that he is crazy and unpredictable and no way is it their fault when he flips out and yells. I explain this in a nice way of course. Ha.
It seems like they are getting it. They don’t seem to take it personally. I still do unfortunately. How could I not? I have become the target of his grudges, silent treatments, and criticism. He needs to hurry up and get over himself. He is ruining his marriage. He is ruining his relationship with his kids. I don’t know what changed in him and what brought this on. I hate it though. There are no drugs. There is no alcohol. There is no other woman. (I feel confident about those statements believe it or not.)
What is it? My guess would be that he is stressed about all his responsibilities and the constant demands on his time and attention. Umm. I’m right there with you dear hubby! Again I want to say “Deal with it!” The rest of us manage to deal with it without hating the world.
He is going to have so many regrets about this season of his life – there is no doubt about that.
I want my husband back – the one that I married 17 years ago. I’m praying he is still in there somewhere.
Sugar Free Ice Cream Knocked us Down
08 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in Marriage Tags: communication, Marriage is Hard, yelling
Yep. Just when you think you are on the right track. Just when you think – wow we’ve been getting along so much better…
It bites you in the butt.
It all started when Kid1 and I accidentally bought sugar free ice cream. I’ll spare you the details. Hubby has been acting like we committed a heinous crime. He will not let it go. Remember the blame? It’s all about the blame. Are you kidding me?
Don’t like the ice cream we bought? Don’t eat it.
Yes, we grabbed the wrong carton. Get over it. We are human.
Go get your own damn ice cream!
It’s just stupid.
He was barking about it yet again last night. And I reacted. No, I did not help matters. I did not respond calmly and rationally. I did not delay my response. Sorry, it just pissed me off. And then he reacted to my comment of course. And it escalated. Both of us spewing things we never should have said. Me knowing I am right. Him knowing he is right. It was a no-win situation.
And it continued today.
I think we are done with it now. We finally had a rational conversation about it.
Know what he said? “I wish the whole thing was videotaped so I cold show you I wasn’t yelling at you about ice cream.”
I said “I wish it was so you could see that you were!”
I have often thought that I should videotape him so he could see how ridiculous he acts. I have never done it though because I thought that would REALLY fuel the fire. Hmm….
He thinks he is just talking loudly to make his point. (Which I think in this case is that we should be more careful when purchasing ice cream?!?!)
I say when you are loud and harsh, it is yelling. Or even if it is not technically yelling – it may as well be. Regardless, I don’t like being talked to that way. And I will stick up for myself. That is what this new me does. :)
Pretending is Progress
06 Dec 2011 2 Comments
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: communication, Kids, marriage improvement
I told hubby that I was running errands & going to buy Kid3 jeans tonight.
I hate the look he gave me.
I pretended not to notice and he pretended he didn’t glared at me.
(Sadly, that’s progress in our marriage! Better than a knock down drag out fight about going shopping don’t you think? Yay us. )
He is all Mr. Independent who doesn’t need anyone - until I go somewhere and he has to handle supper, basketball practice, homework, showers, etc. He gets all fussed up every time I go somewhere in the evening! Drives me nuts. He doesn’t tell me not to go or anything – and he would never admit that it is a problem for him. But he gets all stressed out and if I’m gone too long, he’s a bear when I get back.
Makes me want to find more things to do in the evenings so he learns to deal with it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And now I’m back. He wasn’t a bear tonight. But apparently I was invisible for about an hour after I got home :) I guess that’s better than having to argue with a bear.
I love shopping at Salvation Army. We have one very close to Target where I was planning to buy jeans for Kid3 tonight. I decided to stop in there first and check. They usually do not have many boys pants because boys wear them out! But tonight I got lucky. I found 5 really great pairs of jeans for him. Good brands too. They are in the washer right now. They cost between $2 and $4 a pair. I love a good bargain!
The way he goes through jeans… these may last 3 months? lol Seriously! He’s got holes in the knees and grass stains on most of his. He kept saying he didn’t have any clean jeans for school and I couldn’t figure out why. I counted his jeans – out of his 9 pair – only 2 were still hole-free! That’s crazy cuz when school started I bought him 4 pair and he already had at least a few that were decent. What’s that – 4 months? Yep, he’s all boy!
Kid1 went with me and it was very nice to have some one on one time with her. I got to here about school and friends – stuff that she doesn’t really talk about in the daily chaos of our home. I really enjoyed her company :)
I am determined to go to bed early tonight and catch up on some sleep! I am babysitting my nephew tomorrow. He’s a little 6 month old bundle of fun! Won’t get much work done but I’m going to look at it as a much needed break and some play time!
Good night all.
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