I think we are headed in the right direction.
15 Jul 2011 3 Comments
in Marriage Tags: divorce, marriage, marriage improvement, Marriage is Hard, therapy
It has been one month today since I wrote about my life being a big contradiction.
Things are going well and improving at my house.
I have not written anything about hubby being a horrible human being since then. Ha! And not because I was holding back. Amazingly I have not been very upset with him lately. Well, unless you count yesterday when….. nevermind. lol He seems to like me better too.
There have been many times during the past few years when we were genuinely happy with each other. Some sunny moments among the storm clouds. It still amazes me that those moments existed in the middle of so much anger. And that is what kept us hanging on I am sure. I have been thinking a lot about those sunny moments. There have been quite a few. I want to blog about them and remember them…. I’ll have to do that soon.
Our marriage has been very difficult for a long time. I really can’t pinpoint a specific date that it all went to hell. Our relationship has never been “easy.“ Never. But it had slowly gotten worse. And then I guess I reached my breaking point.
“Things will get worse before they get better.”
And that is what happened when I decided enough was enough. That’s pretty much around the time that I started this blog. I had so much pent up anger and feelings that I needed to find an outlet for. This has been awesome therapy!
I pray every day that hubby & I can continue on this path. There have been many times in this past year when I thought divorce was the only answer. Yet, I could never quite completely convince myself of that. I am glad for that now. I am also very wary of this progress. It is hard to trust that hubby will continue to work on our marriage with me. There have been many false starts before.
We are still very different people. We have different goals and different ideals.
But for now, we are trudging along and we seem to be getting somewhere.
Yes, we are headed in the right direction.
Imagined Anger
02 May 2011 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Tags: divorce, husband, marriage
I am angry at my hubby for something he never even did.
People have always told me I am creative and have a good imagination. Well, add that to overactive hormones and being an “emotional” person – not a good combination. I often imagine scenarios in my head. I’m sure other lots of people do that right? Anyway, I am pissed at him for something I imagined him doing. He never did it. I know I am nuts.
This weekend the baseball games started. My son’s team won and we immediately heard complaints about the team being “stacked.” Ugh. There was so much drama last year because of that. And to be honest, we had an awesome team last year. Better than the other little league teams we played. We kicked butt. It probably was “stacked”. This year though, no way. Coaches pitch in this league. These are little kids. The kid that plays at the pitchers mound is awesome. Let’s call him Greg. My son plays first. Those two have a good rhythm. Tiny little boys barely hit the ball, Greg runs and gets it and throws it to first. Greg has great aim. My son can catch. Out. Out. Out. This equals angry parents. lol Not that it really matters either. They still go through the entire batting order. Outs don’t even count. The score isn’t even officially kept. We all know the score, but it is not official, and it is not up on the score board. (Oh – and my son hit a triple! Yay! His best hit ever!)
Anyway, hubby got ticked when he heard one parent in particular complaining about the team being stacked. She is just annoying anyway. It bugged him a lot. Last night he told me I should get on facebook and post something about the teams not being stacked and how the parents are bad sports and they just need to get over it. He was angry. He said they were lucky he wasn’t on facebook. Ha. He has always hated facebook. Well, obviously I did not post anything.
So this morning while I was on the treadmill (4 days in a row thank you very much!) I was listening to my ipod like usual. But apparently I need some new songs cuz my mind wandered to this whole thing where I imagined that my hubby logged into my facebook account. And of course posted nasty stuff about this lady, using nasty words and just being hateful. In my imagined story, I found out when my sister called me to find out what my problem was. Of course hubby and I had it out and I then posted on facebook that my account had been hacked by an angry person. And that yes, we were divorcing. And that I had not intended to announce it to the world this way, but of course I never expected him to use my fb account to spew his hatred to the world either. End of the imagined story.
And now I am mad at him!
I need a shrink. They would dissect this for me. They would probably tell me I don’t trust him to stay nice. They would probably tell me that I worry about how his anger reflects on me. They would probably tell me that I still fully expect my marriage to end in divorce.
He accepts me the way I am. pppffffft!
23 Apr 2011 2 Comments
in Marriage Tags: communication, D Word, divorce, Marriage is Hard
Last night I told him about the fact that I have been asking him not to swear for 13 years. And I told him I would have listened to him if it had been reversed. His response? “I accepted you the way you are, I wouldn’t do that to you.”
I think that was supposed to be a slap in the face to me. Like he was better than me for not being petty or something. Well, if I had been cursing like a sailor in front of my kids for 13 years…. I really doubt he would never have said anything. I said I was “pissed off” in front of his dad one time and later I heard about it from him – he couldn’t believe I would talk like that in front of his dad. Huh?
Whatever.
Also during this conversation, which was taking place about 2am…. I said, “Do you think we’re gonna last?” He said “Guess we’ll have to just wait and see.” Well at least we are thinking the same about this situation. I didn’t say much to that. What would I say. I wanted to say that I can’t believe we’ve lasted as long as we have. I wanted to say “Would you just please leave!?!?!?” I didn’t say anything.
Apparently that got to him and soon after that he started going off about how if I’m gonna ask him “shit like that” then I should expect a “bullshit answer”. He said of course we are gonna make it, we’ve made it this far haven’t we? He was mad, saying I was trying to “start something”.
Yea, sure. That was my plan. I really want to have another fight with you. It never even occurs to him that my plan may actually be to SAVE this marriage. I want him to get it and I want him to make it a priority. I want him to care and I want him to just BE NICE. And yea, I think we need to talk about it.
After I went to bed (alone again) last night all I could think about was how we can just end this and get on with our lives. Today I can’t stop thinking about it. I am just so tired of the crap.
Right now my mind is spinning. I can’t remember where I read it, but the book said that after you have made the decision that you want out of your marriage, give it one year. The hope is that you will have worked things out during that year. If that doesn’t happen, at least you will be sure and you will be more prepared to make the change. I count Dec 27th 2010 as the day I finally made that decision.
Codependents & The Divorce Rate
11 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in Codependent Tags: codependent, D Word, divorce
I think there would be a higher divorce rate in this country if it weren’t for us codependents.
Truly. We stick around when others would not have.
Reading ‘Codependent No More‘ . . . .
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