Tractor Dream
19 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Marriage Tags: husband, marriage
I had a dream last night that I took a sledgehammer to his precious tractors.
Hmmm.
Simple Moments
17 Apr 2012 3 Comments
in Happy Hubby Moments, Marriage Tags: husband, Love, marriage
The kids were all in bed.
Hubby laid down on the living room floor to take a quick nap before work. (The floor helps his back.)
I walked by and saw him there. I had pangs of loneliness.
So I went and laid down beside him. I cuddled up close. I was relieved that he returned the cuddle.
He said “No work?” (Usually I work after the kids go to bed.)
I said “Yea, but I feel lonely. I need some attention.”
He laughed. He said “You know you just have to tell me what you need cuz I have no idea.”
It’s true. He really has no idea.
I felt happy at the time. As I’m typing this now, I’m thinking What?!? I keep telling you & telling you what I need!
We were quiet for a long time. He rubbed my shoulder. We talked about how many steps were in a mile and how many miles you’d have to go to hit the 10,000 steps goal. I love feeling his strong arms around me. I laid there with my head on his chest – watching it rise and fall with each breath, feeling his heart beat on the side of my face. I felt safe.
I miss this man. I miss moments like this.
I want every day, every moment to be this simple.
Did you Marry the Right Person?
10 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Marriage, Tough Quotes Tags: marriage, quotes, Zig Ziglar
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“Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.”
-Zig Ziglar
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Did you Marry the Right Person?
“I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. in short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you.”
~Zig Ziglar
Source: http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2007/05/did-you-marry-right-person-zig-ziglar.html
Helping My Kids Understand Him
08 Mar 2012 4 Comments
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: communication, husband, Kids, marriage, Marriage is Hard, parenting
I am constantly explaining hubby to my kids. His kids. I hate that he put me in this position – where it is actually an ongoing conversation – why daddy does what he does… Ugh.
I don’t want to continually bad mouth him – but it’s very hard to talk to them and answer their questions about him without doing that!
Kid3 asked me the other night why daddy was sleeping in the basement. I didn’t answer right away. I was trying to find the right words. “Cuz your dad is an ass!” would not really be appropriate would it. Instead I said “Cuz he’s stubborn.” He just smiled and said “Yea, he is.” And that was that.
Usually when they ask me why he won’t go somewhere or why he said or did something, my answer is “You’ll have to ask him.” That works for some stuff. But really, they are trying to figure him out just like I am. I think it’s my job to help them figure it out and explain that he is crazy and unpredictable and no way is it their fault when he flips out and yells. I explain this in a nice way of course. Ha.
It seems like they are getting it. They don’t seem to take it personally. I still do unfortunately. How could I not? I have become the target of his grudges, silent treatments, and criticism. He needs to hurry up and get over himself. He is ruining his marriage. He is ruining his relationship with his kids. I don’t know what changed in him and what brought this on. I hate it though. There are no drugs. There is no alcohol. There is no other woman. (I feel confident about those statements believe it or not.)
What is it? My guess would be that he is stressed about all his responsibilities and the constant demands on his time and attention. Umm. I’m right there with you dear hubby! Again I want to say “Deal with it!” The rest of us manage to deal with it without hating the world.
He is going to have so many regrets about this season of his life – there is no doubt about that.
I want my husband back – the one that I married 17 years ago. I’m praying he is still in there somewhere.
Sleeping in the Basement
03 Mar 2012 3 Comments
in Marriage Tags: anger, marriage, Marriage is Hard
Where to start?
Last night he slept on the couch in the basement cuz he was mad at me. Why was he mad at me? Because I protested when he tried to change the channel when Kid3 and I were in the middle of watching Phineas & Ferb. I said “We are watching that.” That’s all. He stomped away muttering something about how he cant’ even watch TV. He watches more TV than I do so its not like I monopolize the TV or anything. Plus we have 3 so whats the problem. Kid3 has had a fever all weekend and we were hanging out together on the recliner. So hubby went to watch the TV in the basement. And he stayed there all night. The kids and I made popcorn and watched another movie and had a nice peaceful evening.
Whatever, right?
This morning he left the house at 7am to go to an auction. He got home around noon. He hung out a while. We did not speak to one another. We sat on opposite ends of the couch. I felt very awkward about the whole thing but I wasn’t gonna try talking to him first. He was clearly still holding a grudge and I really didn’t want to get into it with him. We did various stuff throughout the day – as a family – but never really looking at each other or talking. Weird.
So I made supper and he sat with us but didn’t eat. That is another thing he does. I guess it is supposed to be a jab at me or something? Really? I don’t care if you don’t eat! So then he & Kid1 took the dog for a walk. When they got back, Kids2 & 3 were watching Transformers in the living room. (We watched a lot of TV today since Kid3 was sick and laying around.) So we all sat together in the living room again, watching the movie. When it was almost over, he said “Well we need to get up early tomorrow…” and he told the kids not to stay up too late and blah blah blah.
And he went to the basement.
After 10 minutes or so I couldn’t stand it and decided to go have it out with him.
Highlights:
He’d rather sleep down in the basement with no heat and lots of cobwebs than in bed with me.
He didn’t say that, I did. You know, I was mad at him anyway for just being an angry jerk in general lately. I am sick of being hurt by this man who has no consideration for anyone but himself. So its not like I was ever so sad that he wasn’t going to be sharing a bed with me. It was just the rejection again. And the stupidity of the reason for his rejection. It’s like he looks for ways to hurt me. And yes, even though I was mad at him, it still hurt.
Why don’t you just go live in the farm house?!
The old farm house on his parent’s ground has recently become available. Ever since my niece moved out of it, I have been thinking it is the perfect solution and he could just move there! Ha. This was the first I mentioned it and he didn’t agree. He thought that was a ridiculous idea. He said “Why would I do that??” I can think of a thousand reasons.
He became annoyed because I am “beating him up again”. That’s what he said. What that means is that once again I attempted to hash stuff out with him and actually talk about our marriage and what on earth we are gonna do about it. According to him there is nothing to do about it. I once again pointed out that he has a terrible temper and yells at me & the kids pretty much daily, that he flips out over stupid stuff, that he never says anything nice to me but is sure to let me know how he disagrees with the way I do just about everything. I could go on & on, but really it is nothing new.
He says he loves me so there is no problem. Wrong. Actions speak louder than words. His actions prove him to be a jerk. And excuse me but if your wife does not feel loved, and keeps mentioning things like divorce, separation, and you moving out of the house – wouldn’t you say there IS a problem??
He takes no responsibility for this miserable marriage. I told him again how horrible it was for him to say what he said to me the other night. Instead of him accepting any responsibility for his actions, he turned it around on me again. I will perhaps write about that later. Maybe. It was very hurtful and I still don’t even want to think about it.
His anger scares me. My babble on this got long so I made it a post of it’s own.
Oh – and I told him what I thought about him not wearing his wedding ring. I told him all that I wrote about how if he could remember all those other things, he could surely remember his ring. He said “Good point.” That response surprised me. Ha.
So how did we leave it? Well, he got a little nicer. There was no hug. There was no kiss. I wouldn’t say we made up. I went back upstairs with the kids and he stayed there. When I left I turned the light off on him and said “Good night.”
And he stayed there.
Dear Hubby: Wear Your Ring
02 Mar 2012 2 Comments
in Dear Hubby Tags: marriage, Wedding ring
Dear Hubby,
I want you to wear your wedding ring.
I understand that you don’t want to wear it at work. But you can wear it when you aren’t there. You can remember to take your wallet out of your pocket when you come home and change. You can remember to take your phone with you when you leave the house. You can remember to brush your teeth everyday. You can remember your chew. You can remember everything I ever did wrong.
Seems like it’d be pretty easy to remember to put your ring on when you come home from work, and take it off before going to work.
Seems like it ought to be important enough to remember.
Sincerely,
Z
—— ——— ——– —— ——— ——– —— ——— ——– —— ——— ——–
This actually hasn’t been a big issue for us. He hasn’t worn it in years. Only occasionally if I bug him about it.
He did wear it when we first got married. He is a welder. And they aren’t supposed to wear any jewelry on the job. Well he did anyway and oh my. His ring actually got hot and kinda melted into his finger. It was so gross! He still has the scar from that. So of course I don’t want him to wear it to work. But he’s not always at work now is he? Wonder if he even knows where his ring is?!
Yesterday I took my ring to the jewelers and had it cleaned and the prongs checked. I am supposed to do this yearly. It’s probably been about 3. I did lose one of the small diamonds on my wrap many years ago. It fell out. That’s when they told me I should have them clean it and check it every year. And they don’t even charge me anything :)
That’s what made me think about it again. I’ve got all these thoughts flying around in my head about what I want from this relationship. I have no idea what I want anymore. It’s such a roller coaster ride.
A Hug in the Kitchen
08 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Tags: Love, marriage, marriage improvement, Thank You Lord
Years ago, hubby was always sneaking up behind me in the kitchen. I’d get a hug from behind while I was washing dishes. Or I’d get groped while cooking. lol He thought it was great fun. It drove me nuts! And I told him to knock it off many, many times. He didn’t care if the kids were in the room or not and that irritated me even more.
I don’t know exactly when that stopped, but it did. Just like so many other things in our marriage.
Somehow we lost so much over the years. We almost lost each other.
I recently got one of those kinds of hugs in the kitchen.
The first one in a very very very very long time.
It hit me hard. It made me feel so loved. And at the same time the realization that something as simple as a hug in the kitchen meant so much…. well it was overwhelming.
It’s not a very interesting story but I will tell it anyway. He was at the table watching Kid3 play Animal Jam on the computer when I came downstairs that morning. I have a cold & cough that I can’t seem to shake. I was coughing and hacking. Lovely, right?
I went to the cupboard to get a mug to make some tea and he came up behind me. He said “There’s hacky. Good morning.” And hugged me and rested his chin on my shoulder for a minute. I layed my head back on his shoulder and we just stayed there for a moment. I gotta tell you I wanted to jump his bones right then and there. Nice choice of words I know. Words from my teenage years :)
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It’s the little things that mean so much!
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Now hopefully he won’t start groping me in the kitchen again, at least not in front of the kids. They are much older now, they would notice. Ha.
But I promise I will never again tell that man not to hug me. Ever.
No, this isn’t us. We aren’t quite that cute, but it’s a great picture and exactly what I’m talking about :)
THANK YOU LORD for putting us back on the right path.
Co-Leaders
14 Nov 2011 1 Comment
in Marriage Tags: communication, marriage, marriage improvement
My mom and step-dad stopped over the other day. They rarely do. They brought kid3 a birthday present and hung out a while. My step-dad is weird. Ha. He just is. I am sorry to say it but he just isn’t very intelligent. It drives me nuts to talk to him for very long. AND he talks over my mother all the time. She’ll be talking and telling a story and he just starts talking too. Telling his own version of the story. The thing is – my mom doesn’t stop talking so it gets uncomfortable quick because they are both talking to you, both looking at you and you don’t know who you should be looking at and listening to. Usually I try to focus on my mom since she was talking first and he is the one that interrupts. Anyway, not the point of this post really.
Later that night hubby and I were talking about how my mom is clearly in charge in their relationship. I said well she has to be cuz he is an idiot. My mom & dad divorced when I was in high school. My dad was very over-bearing and definitely in charge. I think she just went to the other extreme when she was looking for a new man. Step-dad is a nice guy. Just a little weird and annoying. I often wonder though if she regrets marrying him. Again, not the point of this post.
You know how in some relationships it is very clear who is the “leader”? Well of course we all want to be the one in charge, but that doesn’t work.
In our family, hubby is clearly the leader. He is a strong, independent, fearless guy. Sometimes that is great. Sometimes it is horrible.
I do believe the man should be the head of the household as the bible teaches. I would have agreed with this completely a few years ago. I’m over it now. God did not say I have to be a doormat. I also believe though that that only works and turns into a healthy relationship when the guy holds up his end of the bargain to respect his wife and love her as Christ loved the church.
Hubby is such a take charge kind of guy that if I don’t fight to be heard – I get lost.
Back to our conversation…. He was basically making fun of my step-dad for being hen-pecked. I don’t remember exactly how the conversation went but at one point he said “I am the leader of this home.” I gave him a look. He said “Well, of some things.” He did go on to say that only applied to some things, not all things in our marriage/home/life. He saved himself there let me tell you :)
I didn’t comment right away. (Still trying hard to think before I blurt out my first gut reaction to things!)
I said “Yes, but I would love it if we were co-leaders and worked together more.”
He said “Co-leaders?”
I said “Co-leaders.”
And then he said something about having enough stuff to think about for the day, we needed to take a break. lol That cracked me up. This was at the end of quite a long conversation so it was probably good to end it there before we got into an argument about who should be in charge of what.
Not that it matters whether he decides to agree with me about being co-leaders or not…. I am not giving over all the leadership of our family to him. Been there, done that. It sucked for all of us. Sorry, but yea – he needs me to stand up to him and keep his ego in check. My younger sister would be appalled right now. My older sister would be cheering. Ha.
A Cedar Chest
14 Nov 2011 2 Comments
in Marriage Tags: Five Love Languages, happiness, marriage, marriage improvement
I have wanted a cedar chest for a very long time. Like forever. My mom always had one at the foot of her bed and I remember the wonderful cedar smell when we would open it to get out the winter blankets. It brings back good memories.
It has been no secret that I wanted one for a long time. I price them occasionally and talk about them when I see one in a sale flyer or something. There is a antique store near us that sometimes has them. Well maybe it’s just a junk store. Whatever you want to call it. It has used treasures. We purchased a dresser there for hubby a few years ago. It is beautiful – real wood, dove tail construction, deep drawers, with a beautiful finish. It’s hard to find decent furniture now-a-days unless you pay a fortune for it and that is not in our budget. So I love this store. (And I like to refinish furniture so it’s also a fun hobby :)
We also just bought my son a wardrobe there. We replaced his dresser with a wardrobe. No hanging rod, just shelves and 2 drawers at the bottom. My hope is that he can manage it better and keep it neater than he did his dresser. I thought the shelves would be work better for him. And of course it has doors that close to hide the shelves anyway. It’s working pretty well. Now I want to get Kid1 a wardrobe too – her dresser is always a terrible mess!
Way off the point…..
Hubby bought me a cedar chest!! It was a complete surprise. We saw it when we got the wardrobe for my son. Of course I looked at it but didn’t say much. Kid1 and I went somewhere and while we were gone hubby and the 2 other kids went and picked it up. They brought it up to the bedroom and just waited for me to see it.
I was so surprised. Seriously, like I was confused. I cried. Yep, I actually cried over a cedar chest :) Really I cried because my hubby has not done something like that in a REALLY long time. REALLY long. It is beautiful. But the fact that he cared enough and made an effort like that is even more beautiful.
One of my prized possessions is my bath robe. It is white with pink & red roses on it. Shortly after hubby & I got married he bought it for me. It was a surprise too. We were sitting on the couch, watching TV and I was looking through the mail. I saw the robe in a catalog and commented about how nice it was. That was it. We were living in a trailer at that time and being as frugal as could be, trying to save money to build our house. It came in the mail shortly after that. I still have it and use it and love it.
My main love language is Words of Affection. My second love language is Receiving Gifts. So this was very awesome to me.
Hubby doesn’t do stuff like that. He just doesn’t. (Well, maybe once every 15 years ;)
That’s why it is so special.
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