Another year wiser?
12 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Health & Happiness, Love my Kids! Tags: happiness, Kids, marriage improvement
I turned 41 this weekend. I can tell you it was SO much better than last year! (See I don’t like turning 40 )
Why was it better?
Well, I didn’t cry once. Ha! And hubby bought me a gift weeks ago! The kids wrapped it for him this morning. Hubby is notorious for forgetting to buy / hating to be bothered with gifts. This becomes a problem because one of my main love languages is gifts. So even though I try really hard, this often leads to hurt feelings.
Those 2 reason right there are plenty.
Oh – My mom called me too. That was nice. She usually just sends a card. This year she did both. Nice :) My dad didn’t call but he probably will this week – he always forgets and calls a few days later. lol That’s ok though. I talk to him pretty regularly so it’s not a big deal. We just hung out at home today and worked on the kid’s valentines for their school parties. Fun, relaxing.
Kid2 made a birthday cake. I told hubby that I was going to order pizza cuz I didn’t want to cook. (hint, hint….) So we ordered pizza, he went to pick it up and also brought home some steaks from the store and STRAWBERRIES. Yum. Strawberries may be my all-time favorite food. He knows that and that is why it is so awesome :) And he cooked the steaks and kids made a salad.
Did I ever tell you that Kid1 and I have the same birthday?? Now that she is a little older (14!!) she is starting to appreciate it a little bit I think. I have always been careful not to take away from her moment. Our tradition is that we usually go to Applebees, just the 2 of us, and then we go shop the winter clearance sales at the mall. It’s lot of fun! We haven’t gone yet. Might happen a bit later this year.
She is having a slumber party next weekend. And I just bought her way too expensive sneakers for her birthday. Between that gift and the party expenses, we may have to wait a little before we can go on a shopping spree!
Kid1 and I are still walking and exercising. She is finally not hating me for it. Most days :) She always complains that her feet hurt – or her shoes hurt – or her ankles hurt – or…. Before I thought she was just complaining because she was mad at me for making her exercise. But she has had a better attitude lately and still complains of foot pain. So we went to a fancy pants shoe store where they have a whole “digital foot analysis” shoe fitting system. I have to say it was very cool! We walked out of there with a $120 pair of sneakers and a smile on her face. lol I didn’t expect to spend that much but if it gets rid of her pain then it is worth it. And I think her feet are done growing so these shoes should fit a LONG time! lol
Perhaps the correct saying is “Another year older, and deeper in debt.”
I don’t know where that quote comes from but it seem fitting!
G’night.
A Hug in the Kitchen
08 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Tags: Love, marriage, marriage improvement, Thank You Lord
Years ago, hubby was always sneaking up behind me in the kitchen. I’d get a hug from behind while I was washing dishes. Or I’d get groped while cooking. lol He thought it was great fun. It drove me nuts! And I told him to knock it off many, many times. He didn’t care if the kids were in the room or not and that irritated me even more.
I don’t know exactly when that stopped, but it did. Just like so many other things in our marriage.
Somehow we lost so much over the years. We almost lost each other.
I recently got one of those kinds of hugs in the kitchen.
The first one in a very very very very long time.
It hit me hard. It made me feel so loved. And at the same time the realization that something as simple as a hug in the kitchen meant so much…. well it was overwhelming.
It’s not a very interesting story but I will tell it anyway. He was at the table watching Kid3 play Animal Jam on the computer when I came downstairs that morning. I have a cold & cough that I can’t seem to shake. I was coughing and hacking. Lovely, right?
I went to the cupboard to get a mug to make some tea and he came up behind me. He said “There’s hacky. Good morning.” And hugged me and rested his chin on my shoulder for a minute. I layed my head back on his shoulder and we just stayed there for a moment. I gotta tell you I wanted to jump his bones right then and there. Nice choice of words I know. Words from my teenage years :)
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It’s the little things that mean so much!
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Now hopefully he won’t start groping me in the kitchen again, at least not in front of the kids. They are much older now, they would notice. Ha.
But I promise I will never again tell that man not to hug me. Ever.
No, this isn’t us. We aren’t quite that cute, but it’s a great picture and exactly what I’m talking about :)
THANK YOU LORD for putting us back on the right path.
Thank you for the coffee.
01 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Happy Hubby Moments, Marriage Tags: coffee, gratitude, happy hubby, marriage improvement, Thank You Lord
“Thank you for the coffee.”
“You’re welcome.“
-
Simple. Ordinary.
Insignificant to many.
Oh so awesome to me!
This happened a few days ago and I keep replaying it in my head. That’s how rare and wonderful this is!
I made coffee in the afternoon when I heard him waking up. I assumed he’d want some. I have done this a million times.
That
day
he
said
Thank
You!
He thought it would be nice.
03 Jan 2012 3 Comments
in Marriage Tags: happy hubby, love languages, marriage improvement
Today hubby & I went on a lunch date. His idea. Yep! Nothing fancy but anytime we go somewhere and it’s just the 2 of us, we call it a date:) It doesn’t happen very often! (The kids went back to school today.) He was getting ready to go for tractor parts (of course) and I was on a work call. He kept pacing in the office waiting for me to get off the phone. When I got off the phone he started talking about how he thought it would be nice if we went to Subway for lunch. But then he decided we should just eat what’s in the fridge and save some money. He told me in detail what he was going to eat when he got back from the store. I was dressed but had not ‘done my face’ as my grandmother would say. Or my hair. And he was babbling on about leftovers so it wasn’t an issue anyway. He left for the store.
And then it hit me. My hubby had (kinda) planned a date for us! He NEVER does that so when I realized it, I felt horrible! I wished I had jumped for joy and went with him. (Even though he is the one who decided against it.) But this was huge so I couldn’t let it go. The fact that he even had those thoughts is wonderful.
So I text him. “Awe! I’ll go to Subway w u! That’s nice. Come back?”
And I went into the bathroom to put my contacts in and do my face. I heard the front door open and I peeked around the corner. He just smiled and sat down on the bench by the door to wait.
So we went to Subway for lunch.
He laughed about my text and told me he had thought of going to lunch that morning. He thought it would be nice. He thought I would like that.
Yep, I liked it.
As I’ve said before, my main love language is Words of Affirmation. His is Quality Time. This was quality time I could give to him. I still don’t get very many Words of Affirmation. BUT. The words he has been using in general are so much kinder than they used to be. That’ll work :)
It Has Been a Year
30 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: D Word, happy hubby, husband, marriage improvement, parenting
It has been a year since I told him to move out.
December 27th, 2010 - We had been fighting all day. We had been fighting for years I guess. I had been crying for a long time. Then I was angry for an even longer time. Then I was sad because I didn’t know how to fix it. Then I gave up. Then I got strong and decided I wanted to stand on my own. I told him he should move out. I told him I didn’t want to live with him anymore.
We went back & forth a lot this past year, trying to make it work and wondering if we should just give up.
We are still here.
On Tuesday it was a year since I finally made that decision and took a stand. I read somewhere that if you decide that you want a divorce, wait one whole year after you have made that decision to act on it. If you still want a divorce after that year, then you will be more prepared because you had all that time to get your finances etc together and come to terms with it. Obviously the hope though is that you won’t still want that divorce. So I have waited a year. I fully expected to be separated from my husband by now, or at least to be very soon. I knew that I would wait until after the holidays because that would be really crappy timing for my kids. But I expected things to be miserable and I was hoping perhaps that by now we would at least not be so angry at each other, we would be resigned to the fact that we couldn’t make it work and be civil to one another.
Thankfully it did not come to that.
This year has been full of ups & downs. And honestly I still can’t say that I trust him forever yet. But wow. SO MUCH BETTER than where we were a year ago!
Some days he still infuriates me. Some days I get angry and wonder why I have tried so hard to save this marriage. But most days I am glad that we are still together.
He had a major attitude adjustment. That happened 9/26/11 – just 3 months ago. There is no other way I can describe the change that ultimately saved our marriage. Some days his old grumpy, moody self creeps out, but not as often as before. Before it was pretty much all the time.
A great example of my new happy hubby: Tonight the kids were all being rowdy. The don’t-know-when-to-stop kind of rowdy. Just picking on each other and laughing hysterically, and throwing candy canes at each other. I kept telling them to knock it off, they weren’t listening at all. (How long is Christmas break ?!?!?!) Hubby picked a candy cane up off the floor and pretended to slam it down on the table with a loud bang. They all looked shocked and then cracked up. He laughed and left the room. Well, this started a big conversation about what would have happened if daddy would have actually done that – how it would have cracked and been smashed to powdered candy cane that they could mix in their hot chocolate. How it would probably fly everywhere and stick to the walls, etc. My son went on & on with the stories and what ifs with his imagination in over-drive. Apparently it got the best of him, he stood up on the table and threw a candy cane down with all his might. It flew everywhere. Little sticky red & white chunks were on the curtains, in the carpet, everywhere. He didn’t know if he should laugh or cry when he saw the look on my face. It’s funny now, not so much then. I laughed more than I yelled – I can say that I guess. Ha. Hubby came to see what happened. He laughed and told him to get the sweeper.
He laughed and told him to get the sweeper.
Amazing.
It has been a year since I told him to move out. He never did move out. I’m glad.
(In case you are wondering why his reaction was so awesome... Before? Yelling, swearing, Mean harsh words about how stupid that was, just terrible nastiness. So this was a huge improvement!)
Christmas Day was a Good Day
26 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Happy Hubby Moments, Health & Happiness, Marriage, Take That Panic Attacks! Tags: anxiety, Christmas, marriage improvement, Thank You Lord
I smile every time I think about it.
I am so relieved!
As I said earlier, the weekend started pretty rough.
But after all that it was nice. Very nice.
On Christmas eve we had some nice family time. We made cookies, we strung popcorn (hadn’t done that in years!), we read the bible together, we just hung out. Hubby went to bed before the kids and I wished he was awake to put out the gifts etc with me after the kids went to bed.
On Christmas morning, I like to take just a few minutes (like 10?) to wake up before the kids rip into the gifts. Usually this is met with harsh words and total irritation from hubby. I put in my contacts, make some tea, and get settled on the couch with my camera. Then I’m ready. It’s not like they have to wait long and I don’t think it’s horrible for me to ask them to wait a few. This year he didn’t mind. This year he reminded them to wait and I didn’t even hear any irritation in his voice. We sat next to each other on the couch. We talked and laughed. It wasn’t tense and terrible. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.
Yes, he still did things like grump and swear about the transformer toy that challenged him. And yes he had some not so lovely moments with his sister at dinner at his mom’s house that afternoon. It’s not like he’s been transformed into some fake happy go lucky guy. But wow what a difference a year makes!
And from the panic attack / anxiety perspective…. Usually I take an ativan before going to these family functions. I didn’t and it was a little uncomfortable at times but it was ok. Like I said, Christmas Day was a Good Day!
I hope everyone had a Merry Merry Christmas!
THANK YOU LORD
A Rough Start
26 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Tags: Christmas, marriage improvement
After a rough start to the weekend when I was convinced it was the beginning of the end….. it turned around. Completely.
(I’m not gonna share my post about that rough start cuz wow was I angry when I typed that out. I think I’ll keep that one private :/ )
I was so hurt & angry at him, and I just KNEW he was gonna ruin it all….
Then I was wrapping stocking gifts in my bedroom on Saturday afternoon and the movie “Fireproof” came on. Talk about a sign. It was right at the part when the Dad is talking to his son about not giving up on his marriage. Yes, the movie is a little hokey and preachy. But the point is still valid. And when I was on the treadmill Friday morning, Joyce Meyers came on and her whole sermon was about forgiveness. She basically said that you shouldn’t grumble & complain if you are the one that always has to apologize first or take the first steps towards reconciliation, because that just means you are the more mature one. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that the other person doesn’t care as much. It doesn’t mean they never would do it. It just means that you are more mature. She said skip the drama about refusing to do it and waiting for them to do it. It just drags it out longer and then everyone is miserable longer. She said don’t hold grudges! I can relate to that :) So I had already been spinning that around in my mind.
Then the more I thought about it – the more I wanted to go into Christmas Day with a clean slate. I didn’t want leftover garbage to start the day off on the wrong foot. I needed it to stand alone and be what it was going to be. I guess I just really needed to know for sure that we were making progress. Yes, a happy Christmas without his moody anger as a dark cloud over everything would really show me the status of our relationship!
So I took the first steps to make up with my hubby. Should I have had to do that? No. But I did anyway. And it was easy. He explained his part, I explained mine. We figured it out. Still sucks that we have to constantly explain ourselves to each other. But it is what it is. And it was over and we sat on the couch together. He watched the football game & I sorted through mail. The whole mood in our house changed. The kids noticed and I was glad I acted maturely and took the first step. :)
Yes, Christmas day was a big relationship test. I’m sorry but yes, that’s what I had turned it into.
Hubby knew how I felt about past Christmases. And you know, Christmas is supposed to be such a joyous occasion that it has really pissed me off that so many of them lately have been ruined by his nastiness. I remember how it used to be my favorite day. It had become a day I dreaded. It was time to put an end to that. And we did. Hopefully for good.
Related Posts: Crying on Christmas
Pretending is Progress
06 Dec 2011 2 Comments
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: communication, Kids, marriage improvement
I told hubby that I was running errands & going to buy Kid3 jeans tonight.
I hate the look he gave me.
I pretended not to notice and he pretended he didn’t glared at me.
(Sadly, that’s progress in our marriage! Better than a knock down drag out fight about going shopping don’t you think? Yay us. )
He is all Mr. Independent who doesn’t need anyone - until I go somewhere and he has to handle supper, basketball practice, homework, showers, etc. He gets all fussed up every time I go somewhere in the evening! Drives me nuts. He doesn’t tell me not to go or anything – and he would never admit that it is a problem for him. But he gets all stressed out and if I’m gone too long, he’s a bear when I get back.
Makes me want to find more things to do in the evenings so he learns to deal with it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And now I’m back. He wasn’t a bear tonight. But apparently I was invisible for about an hour after I got home :) I guess that’s better than having to argue with a bear.
I love shopping at Salvation Army. We have one very close to Target where I was planning to buy jeans for Kid3 tonight. I decided to stop in there first and check. They usually do not have many boys pants because boys wear them out! But tonight I got lucky. I found 5 really great pairs of jeans for him. Good brands too. They are in the washer right now. They cost between $2 and $4 a pair. I love a good bargain!
The way he goes through jeans… these may last 3 months? lol Seriously! He’s got holes in the knees and grass stains on most of his. He kept saying he didn’t have any clean jeans for school and I couldn’t figure out why. I counted his jeans – out of his 9 pair – only 2 were still hole-free! That’s crazy cuz when school started I bought him 4 pair and he already had at least a few that were decent. What’s that – 4 months? Yep, he’s all boy!
Kid1 went with me and it was very nice to have some one on one time with her. I got to here about school and friends – stuff that she doesn’t really talk about in the daily chaos of our home. I really enjoyed her company :)
I am determined to go to bed early tonight and catch up on some sleep! I am babysitting my nephew tomorrow. He’s a little 6 month old bundle of fun! Won’t get much work done but I’m going to look at it as a much needed break and some play time!
Good night all.
Co-Leaders
14 Nov 2011 1 Comment
in Marriage Tags: communication, marriage, marriage improvement
My mom and step-dad stopped over the other day. They rarely do. They brought kid3 a birthday present and hung out a while. My step-dad is weird. Ha. He just is. I am sorry to say it but he just isn’t very intelligent. It drives me nuts to talk to him for very long. AND he talks over my mother all the time. She’ll be talking and telling a story and he just starts talking too. Telling his own version of the story. The thing is – my mom doesn’t stop talking so it gets uncomfortable quick because they are both talking to you, both looking at you and you don’t know who you should be looking at and listening to. Usually I try to focus on my mom since she was talking first and he is the one that interrupts. Anyway, not the point of this post really.
Later that night hubby and I were talking about how my mom is clearly in charge in their relationship. I said well she has to be cuz he is an idiot. My mom & dad divorced when I was in high school. My dad was very over-bearing and definitely in charge. I think she just went to the other extreme when she was looking for a new man. Step-dad is a nice guy. Just a little weird and annoying. I often wonder though if she regrets marrying him. Again, not the point of this post.
You know how in some relationships it is very clear who is the “leader”? Well of course we all want to be the one in charge, but that doesn’t work.
In our family, hubby is clearly the leader. He is a strong, independent, fearless guy. Sometimes that is great. Sometimes it is horrible.
I do believe the man should be the head of the household as the bible teaches. I would have agreed with this completely a few years ago. I’m over it now. God did not say I have to be a doormat. I also believe though that that only works and turns into a healthy relationship when the guy holds up his end of the bargain to respect his wife and love her as Christ loved the church.
Hubby is such a take charge kind of guy that if I don’t fight to be heard – I get lost.
Back to our conversation…. He was basically making fun of my step-dad for being hen-pecked. I don’t remember exactly how the conversation went but at one point he said “I am the leader of this home.” I gave him a look. He said “Well, of some things.” He did go on to say that only applied to some things, not all things in our marriage/home/life. He saved himself there let me tell you :)
I didn’t comment right away. (Still trying hard to think before I blurt out my first gut reaction to things!)
I said “Yes, but I would love it if we were co-leaders and worked together more.”
He said “Co-leaders?”
I said “Co-leaders.”
And then he said something about having enough stuff to think about for the day, we needed to take a break. lol That cracked me up. This was at the end of quite a long conversation so it was probably good to end it there before we got into an argument about who should be in charge of what.
Not that it matters whether he decides to agree with me about being co-leaders or not…. I am not giving over all the leadership of our family to him. Been there, done that. It sucked for all of us. Sorry, but yea – he needs me to stand up to him and keep his ego in check. My younger sister would be appalled right now. My older sister would be cheering. Ha.
A Cedar Chest
14 Nov 2011 2 Comments
in Marriage Tags: Five Love Languages, happiness, marriage, marriage improvement
I have wanted a cedar chest for a very long time. Like forever. My mom always had one at the foot of her bed and I remember the wonderful cedar smell when we would open it to get out the winter blankets. It brings back good memories.
It has been no secret that I wanted one for a long time. I price them occasionally and talk about them when I see one in a sale flyer or something. There is a antique store near us that sometimes has them. Well maybe it’s just a junk store. Whatever you want to call it. It has used treasures. We purchased a dresser there for hubby a few years ago. It is beautiful – real wood, dove tail construction, deep drawers, with a beautiful finish. It’s hard to find decent furniture now-a-days unless you pay a fortune for it and that is not in our budget. So I love this store. (And I like to refinish furniture so it’s also a fun hobby :)
We also just bought my son a wardrobe there. We replaced his dresser with a wardrobe. No hanging rod, just shelves and 2 drawers at the bottom. My hope is that he can manage it better and keep it neater than he did his dresser. I thought the shelves would be work better for him. And of course it has doors that close to hide the shelves anyway. It’s working pretty well. Now I want to get Kid1 a wardrobe too – her dresser is always a terrible mess!
Way off the point…..
Hubby bought me a cedar chest!! It was a complete surprise. We saw it when we got the wardrobe for my son. Of course I looked at it but didn’t say much. Kid1 and I went somewhere and while we were gone hubby and the 2 other kids went and picked it up. They brought it up to the bedroom and just waited for me to see it.
I was so surprised. Seriously, like I was confused. I cried. Yep, I actually cried over a cedar chest :) Really I cried because my hubby has not done something like that in a REALLY long time. REALLY long. It is beautiful. But the fact that he cared enough and made an effort like that is even more beautiful.
One of my prized possessions is my bath robe. It is white with pink & red roses on it. Shortly after hubby & I got married he bought it for me. It was a surprise too. We were sitting on the couch, watching TV and I was looking through the mail. I saw the robe in a catalog and commented about how nice it was. That was it. We were living in a trailer at that time and being as frugal as could be, trying to save money to build our house. It came in the mail shortly after that. I still have it and use it and love it.
My main love language is Words of Affection. My second love language is Receiving Gifts. So this was very awesome to me.
Hubby doesn’t do stuff like that. He just doesn’t. (Well, maybe once every 15 years ;)
That’s why it is so special.
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