Stop the Insanity
02 May 2012 2 Comments
in Marriage Tags: anger, communication, husband, Marriage is Hard
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“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.“
-Albert Einstein
I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now.
I decided to stop the insanity. I decided that I needed to take a break from my Hubby. Call it a time out.
This began way back when we had the sleeping in the basement argument. Seems like a long time ago. Wow – that was March 3rd. 2 months! It’s been longer than I thought.
That night I decided that I was no longer going to go out of my way to talk to him, or do nice things for him, or be helpful, or smile at him if I didn’t feel like it, or say “I love you” like we do on autopilot when one of us leaves the house. I was going to change the things that I could to avoid the negative crap that he heaps onto me. And that I let him heap on me.
It started small.
I decided to stop saying “I love you” to him. I was just hurting myself – I’d say it to him – he would reply with either “Yep” or “Love you too.” No expression. No real feeling behind it. And I would be hurt my that.
I figured out that I could stop that cycle. (Duh, right?) I could just stop saying “I love you” to my husband. Believe it or not, this was hard for me! Yes, even though our marriage is a mess, it was hard. That stopped the half-ass replies. Problem solved. Kinda.
Next – Every morning when he got home from work, Kid3 and I would be at the table talking & eating breakfast. When hubby comes up the basement steps, we are right there. I would say good morning to him, or sometimes I would say nothing. Some days he would smile and start talking about his night. Some days he would ignore me completely. Some days he would glare right through me. I never knew what to expect.
I figured out there was no reason I should put myself thru that crap every single morning. (Again, duh right?) So I changed the morning routine just a little and when it was time for him to get home, I’d be upstairs getting dressed. I removed myself from the situation. Again, problem solved. Kinda.
I kept doing things like that. If he’d ask me if there was any coffee made. I’d say no. That’s it. Before I’d have told him no and then offered to make him some. When he asked me if we were out of honey, I said I don’t know and I told him to check the pantry. Before I would have jumped up and went in search of honey. When it was getting close to time for him to leave for work, I didn’t go hang out with him in the kitchen before he left like I have been doing for years…. I just kept doing whatever I was doing and if he wanted to say goodbye to me before he left for work, he’d have to come find me. (Some days he did, some days he didn’t.) See what I mean? I wasn’t mean. I was just distant.
And here is TMI. We have had sex ONE TIME since then. Once in 2 months. What?? That is craziness. For us, that is a long time!
I kept my distance from him so much that it wasn’t even an issue I guess. He would have had to actually make some kind of effort. That didn’t happen. So it didn’t happen.
to be continued…
What is the Best Message?
26 Apr 2012 5 Comments
in Marriage Tags: happiness, Marriage is Hard
How do I be the positive, loving, steadfast Mom that I need to be – in the midst of the chaos?
If I accomplish this I will consider myself successful as a mom.
By staying though, am I also saying that I accept his behavior?
Doesn’t that send a bad message to my kids?
Is that message better or worse than me leaving him and causing upheaval in their lives?
“If you choose the lesser of two evils, you are still choosing evil.“
Life Goes On
13 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Marriage Tags: communication, Marriage is Hard, yelling
We’re talking again. The refrigerator broke. We had to discuss it.
He asked if I am happier today.
I said “I guess I’m supposed to be sorry for yelling at you, but I’m not.”
He said ” I don’t blame you.”
I asked him if he heard me yet.
He said “How could I not?”
And life goes on. I don’t expect anything to change.
On a happier note….
My daughter is going to the formal tonight. She lost 7 pounds – the dress she loved motivated her :) She insisted it was the one even though it was too tight. She convinced me she could lose 8 pounds in 4 weeks and begged me to buy it anyway. She lost 7. She tried it on a few days ago and it zipped up so easily – she was thrilled! I’m so proud of her!
Just One Word
13 Apr 2012 2 Comments
in Marriage Tags: communication, Marriage is Hard
We didn’t speak at all last night until he was leaving for work at 10pm.
From a different room he sarcastically said “Goodnight!”
I said “Goodnight. “
And he left.
This morning I went upstairs to get dressed right before he got home.
We talked to our kids, but not to each other.
The kids left for school, he is outside.
It’s been quite peaceful actually.
Awkward.
12 Apr 2012 5 Comments
in Marriage Tags: husband, Marriage is Hard, yelling
Tonight is going to be awkward.
We had a fight. I yelled at him. I was not nice at all.
Now the kids are coming home from school. Hubby will be awake soon.
I won’t know what to do with myself.
I want to ignore him completely. That’s hard to do though when the kids are here.
It’s gonna completely suck.
And he will hold a grudge about this one for a long time. Oh yes.
Since I am the one that lost it and yelled – - I’m sure he has already decided that he has done no wrong and every problem we have is my fault.
He will talk to the kids extra sweetly tonight cuz that is what he does when he is mad at me.
He will not look at me and will ignore me all evening. Even when we are in the same room. Even when the whole family is talking about whatever. It will be obvious to all that he is hating me.
Can’t wait.
I Know Better
12 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Marriage Tags: anger, Marriage is Hard, yelling
Wow.
So hubby came home and I sat here a while before I went out to talk to him. I wanted to say the right thing. I know I get one shot to start the conversation off right. I don’t want him to get all defensive and refuse to talk about this.
I went to the kitchen. He acted like nothing was even wrong. Cuz in his mind there isn’t. To him it is completely normal to talk to me that way.
We talked about the kids and the plans for the day.
“Why did you get so defensive this morning? I was not criticizing your plan. I was just asking about it.”
His face turned cold and tightened up. Here we go.
We were talking, basically disagreeing. I was trying to explain to him once again that I did not mean what he thinks I did. He was saying that he will build it wherever he wants. I said I never even said anything about that! We went back & forth.
(Once – 12 years ago – I had an opinion about where he wanted to build a garage. He wanted to put it in the back yard very close to the house. We have a good bit of ground so I suggested moving it out further – I will pay for that remark until the day I die. Ridiculous.)
We had the same argument we’ve had a million times.
I said something to the effect that it doesn’t matter what I say cuz he doesn’t care anyway.
He said “I’m listening to the part that makes sense. I’m not even hearing the rest – you know better.”
I know better?
I went off. Oh my.
It won’t matter though. He never hears me.
Dear Hubby: I AM NOT LIKE YOU
12 Apr 2012 2 Comments
in Dear Hubby, Marriage Tags: anger, husband, Marriage is Hard, venting
Dear Hubby,
I am not a bitch. Even though you act like I am.
I am smart. Is that why you lash out at me? Are you threatened by me?
I asked you a question this morning about the tool shed you are building. I asked you several actually. Call it curiosity. I thought we were having a real conversation.
Silly me.
I guarantee that you would have had a million questions for me if I was doing something like that. And a million opinions about how I was doing it wrong. Is that why you expect the same from me?
News flash: I AM NOT LIKE YOU.
I forgot that you are so insecure that any time I ask you anything about something you are doing – you think I am judging you or questioning your decisions. You think I am putting you down. And you go into jerk mode.
You know, people have conversations all the time about things that are happening. If my Dad/brother/friend… even father-in-law was building a shed I might have had a similar conversation with them. I could have made the exact same comment while talking to pretty much anyone else and they would not have taken offense to it.
(I feel the need to defend myself here to the blog world. You must think I surely said it in a snarky way or something. I did not. I promise. We were sitting at the table, I was drinking coffee, we were gabbing about the day, the conversation turned to the shed, BAM!)
The question that set you off? “You’re not giving up on building your garage are you? Are you doing this instead of a garage?”
I meant no harm. I wasn’t saying that you shouldn’t build the shed because I want you to build a garage. I wasn’t yelling at you for not building a garage yet. I was just inquiring. I don’t care if you build 10 sheds and still want a garage. I was hoping you hadn’t given up your plans for the garage, that is all. In my mind, maybe I thought I would be encouraging you. I meant to be supportive and positive about both plans.
Nothing I do is right in your mind. I did nothing wrong. You acted like an ass.
You said “I wish I had a way to haul some shale in.” And you started talking about how you were going to build the shed. I made several comments, all supportive. I have no opinion about how you build it. I couldn’t care less. Truly. It’s a tool shed. I know nothing about building a tool shed.
Whatever.
I guess it was just a continuation of you being jerky at dinner last night.
The phone company is running new wires out here so we can have faster DSL. I watched them yesterday from my office window. A man was up in the bucket truck with a huge spool of cable. The truck moved up the road slowly as he unwound it and some other men walked along behind the truck. I though it was neat. I even took a picture.
At dinner Kid3 mentioned that he saw the trucks out there early in the morning. I chimed in and told you all how I saw them in the bucket truck today and blah blah blah. You looked at me and said “Well duh. How else do you expect them to run the wire? They have to lay it out before they can hang it on the poles.” You said something like that. I don’t think you called it hanging it on the poles. Not the point.
I enjoyed seeing them do that. I was happy to tell what I saw. You immediately had to demean me with it. I called you on it. I said “Well you may know everything but I don’t so I thought it was neat to see them do that.” You said “No, I don’t know everything…” and were ready to launch into this big thing about how I over-react to everything. I stopped you and said something to the effect that you just love to try to make me look stupid. You didn’t have to put me down. I said “I am done talking to you!”
After everyone ate, I was cleaning up the kitchen, he & the kids were still sitting at the table talking, he got up and said “Well, now that I’ve called everyone stupid, I guess I’ll go watch the news.” I said “Not everyone, just me.” Kid1 chimed in “Me too.” He said “Great” and left the room. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. It will not sink in. He will not change how he speaks to me. He will not think of me any differently. Well maybe he’ll think I am even more of a nuisance now.
He gets off on trying to make himself feel superior to everyone else. His older sister is the same. She goes off on these rants. Her husband told her to get off her high-horse once during a get-together. She told him she was just giving her opinion. He told her that we didn’t all need to be subjected to her opinion about everything little thing. He hit the nail on the head with that one. I wanted to jump up and scream hallelujah!
Hubby is the same way. He has an opinion about everything. Sometimes he is wrong. He even has very strong opinions about things he knows nothing about. That is what really infuriates me. Sometimes I will mention a work problem and he goes off on this rant and of course he has the solution right? Problem is that he knows nothing about programming. I look at him incredulously and wonder how in the heck he can even feel confident making those remarks! I would not go on a rant telling him the correct way to weld something! I would never think that I had a solution like that for him. Yet, he does that to me. Umm, no – I just went to college for 4 years to learn how to do this. I even worked at xxxxx and yyyyy for a while…. but you know better dear. WHAT?!?!? You’d think I would have gained some respect from him – at least in this area – by now.
How does a person get so egotistical? How?
Then when I look closely I see that his mother is the same. She is more subtle about it. But she has an opinion about EVERYTHING too that she feels the need to share. I mean seriously some things do not need to be said. And how about for once admitting to yourself that someone MAY know more about a particular topic than you do?!
And for a moment let’s assume that you DO know more than everyone about everything… do you really need to be an ass about it? Couldn’t you be a genius AND be kind?
See there is no excuse for you treating me like that. None.
I don’t care if you are tired. I don’t care if your back hurts. I don’t care whatever else the problem may be. You do not need to talk to me like that.
I really wish you didn’t think of me the way you do though. You think I am an evil person working against you. I’m not. More than anything I want us to be on the SAME side. We’re supposed to be a team working together in this world.
Sincerely,
Z
A simple conversation. An innocent remark. An angry husband.
Repeat this over and over and this is my life.
In Need of a Vacation :)
08 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: husband, Kids, Marriage is Hard
Kid3 was going to go to the basement and play on the wii.
-
“It’s not hooked up mom.”
“Why not?”
“Dad went like this and ripped it out of the TV cuz it was tangled up.”
“Lovely.”
And so we fixed it so he could play.
Such is my life. And it’s hard to not obsess about this stuff when you’re drowning in it. It gets to me. It’s like having another child, instead of a partner. A child that doesn’t have to listen to me. One I can’t ground from electronics or send to his room for misbehaving or having a bad attitude. If my children acted the way he does, they’d be in trouble constantly!
If this was summer vacation I’d take the kids away for a few days – camping – or who knows – somewhere! I’d call it a vacation and it would be good for all of us.
Helping My Kids Understand Him
08 Mar 2012 4 Comments
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: communication, husband, Kids, marriage, Marriage is Hard, parenting
I am constantly explaining hubby to my kids. His kids. I hate that he put me in this position – where it is actually an ongoing conversation – why daddy does what he does… Ugh.
I don’t want to continually bad mouth him – but it’s very hard to talk to them and answer their questions about him without doing that!
Kid3 asked me the other night why daddy was sleeping in the basement. I didn’t answer right away. I was trying to find the right words. “Cuz your dad is an ass!” would not really be appropriate would it. Instead I said “Cuz he’s stubborn.” He just smiled and said “Yea, he is.” And that was that.
Usually when they ask me why he won’t go somewhere or why he said or did something, my answer is “You’ll have to ask him.” That works for some stuff. But really, they are trying to figure him out just like I am. I think it’s my job to help them figure it out and explain that he is crazy and unpredictable and no way is it their fault when he flips out and yells. I explain this in a nice way of course. Ha.
It seems like they are getting it. They don’t seem to take it personally. I still do unfortunately. How could I not? I have become the target of his grudges, silent treatments, and criticism. He needs to hurry up and get over himself. He is ruining his marriage. He is ruining his relationship with his kids. I don’t know what changed in him and what brought this on. I hate it though. There are no drugs. There is no alcohol. There is no other woman. (I feel confident about those statements believe it or not.)
What is it? My guess would be that he is stressed about all his responsibilities and the constant demands on his time and attention. Umm. I’m right there with you dear hubby! Again I want to say “Deal with it!” The rest of us manage to deal with it without hating the world.
He is going to have so many regrets about this season of his life – there is no doubt about that.
I want my husband back – the one that I married 17 years ago. I’m praying he is still in there somewhere.
Dear Hubby: It’s Not About The Lettuce
07 Mar 2012 5 Comments
in Dear Hubby, Marriage Tags: Marriage is Hard
Dear Hubby,
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again -
If you want everything to be YOUR WAY, go live by yourself.
I don’t give a crap if you don’t like the way I cut lettuce.
Sincerely,
Z
——————————————-
What now? Well I cut lettuce wrong apparently & that justifies the swearing coming from the kitchen.
Kid3 finally went back to school today after 5 days of fever. I picked kid2 up from school early today – she puked the whole way home. I am trying really hard to fight this sickness off but am failing.
I. am. exhausted.
I don’t give a crap if he thinks I cut lettuce wrong. I have been married to this man for almost 18 years. Is this really an issue? Never heard of it being a problem before! What the heck??
It’s not really about the lettuce I’m sure.
I wish I could figure out what it is really about.
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