Free To Stress Myself Out
21 Mar 2012 4 Comments
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety, ativan, Kids, panic attacks, parenting, school, venting
I am free this morning.
Kids are off to school. Hubby is at an auction. He left work at 4am, came home, changed, picked up his dad at 5:30 am and off they went. The auction is about 1 1/2 hours away. Crazy if you ask me – but these are things that John Deere fanatics do :)
So I am home alone. This is very rare. I have not done anything differently than normal – I started laundry, put another coat of poly on the table I am refinishing, cleaned up a little, and sat down here at the computer to get to work. That’s not really different. (Except that I am blogging, not working :/) What is different is the way I feel! I just love that I can do whatever I want and no-one is gonna question me or criticize me. It’s freeing! Even though I am only doing laundry etc. My hubby has something to say about everything! I am constantly having to explain myself or defend a decision I made. It is exhausting!
(Occasionally I go on strike and refuse to answer his questions or defend my choices. I tell him I’m sick of explaining myself to him and then I refuse to. Ha. Perhaps it’s time for that again. See what perspective some alone time can bring :)
Unfortunately this day is stressing me out for other reasons. I am taking Kid3 to the dentist after school today – he has cavities that need to be taken care of. I have been putting it off because they are in his baby teeth and I was hoping they would just fall out soon. It hasn’t happened yet. One is looking pretty icky and is not loose at all. He has never had this done before and is very worried that it is going to hurt. And we all know how I love the dentist. I’m nervous for him. I’m also nervous that I will have panic attack from having to sit there and watch. I don’t do good with stuff like that.
To add to that, I expect to get my period today, so my hormones are in overdrive. Hormones greatly affect my anxiety! My anxiety levels always skyrocket when I have PMS.
I also have a gazillion upcoming events swirling around in my head that I am already starting to stress about. Teacher conferences are in 2 weeks I think. The spring musical is coming up in May. The kids have started practicing their songs and whining about having to go. Hubby already told them they had to. It seems like the school year is going to end quickly. Everyone is talking about all the happenings, and planning all this stuff. Kid1 has the spring formal to attend. The band concert is coming up. The music teacher has mentioned that she may have the 6th graders play with the band too – which means that both Kid1 & Kid2 would be in it. Kid2 asked me to help chaperone their field trip. Not sure yet where they are going, but a charter bus in usually involved. Talk about feeling trapped! How can I say no?? When your kid wants you around, you take advantage of it! :) And the year end awards assemblies that I absolutely LOVE (sarcasm!)? They are coming up too only this year will be bigger. Kid2 is “graduating” from elementary school. They have a 6th grade graduation assembly which is longer and involves a reception type thing in the cafeteria afterward. (Our school system has elementary school from K-6 and the the high school is grades 7-12)
I know all these things are not happening today and I need to put them out of my mind. I know that they will not be as bad as I anticipate. They never are. I also know that the dentist today will be ok. It just will.
It’s been a good while since I’ve taken any ativan. I couldn’t remember when so I looked at my Joes Goals Log and see that it was March 1st when I took Kid1 shopping to get her dress for the formal. (That’s a whole other post!) Very cool that’s been that long. I can’t remember the last time I took an ativan…. I like that sentence! So I’m gonna remind myself that I’ve been doing good, that I know it’s just hormones that are kicking my butt today, I am not insane, and it will all be OK. And I will definitley be taking an ativan this afternoon.
And that is OK.
She’s Rude and He’s Not?
14 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: communication, husband, parenting, rudeness
.
The morning started out fine. Kid2 got dressed, ate breakfast, and went back upstairs to do her hair just like she does every morning. When she came down she was ticked at the world.
Of course hubby saw this and couldn’t let it go. So he starts demanding “What’s your problem?!” And my bull-headed child refused to answer. Yep, my little 12 year old would not answer her big loud scary Dad. (I am amazed every time my kids do this sort of thing.)
He asked her several more times, becoming more irritated each time. He said “I asked you a question!” She said “So!” Imagine it real snotty from a tween and you get the picture.
The kids left to walk out the driveway to the bus.
He said “I hate when she gets like that. It’s so rude! Aaaghhh.”
LOL Are you laughing with me right now?? I couldn’t help it so of course I said “That’s just like what you do to me. You look past me and pretend you didn’t even hear me and you refuse to answer me.”
“Not like that though! I’m not rude like that! No.” he said. Apparently he thinks the way he does it is OK. Really? Is there a way to do that that is not rude? She learned this from him!
I kinda raised my eyebrows at him and he knew I disagreed, but I let it go. He’s been in a pretty good mood since Sunday so I let it go. No need to create trouble when there is peace.
Helping My Kids Understand Him
08 Mar 2012 4 Comments
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: communication, husband, Kids, marriage, Marriage is Hard, parenting
I am constantly explaining hubby to my kids. His kids. I hate that he put me in this position – where it is actually an ongoing conversation – why daddy does what he does… Ugh.
I don’t want to continually bad mouth him – but it’s very hard to talk to them and answer their questions about him without doing that!
Kid3 asked me the other night why daddy was sleeping in the basement. I didn’t answer right away. I was trying to find the right words. “Cuz your dad is an ass!” would not really be appropriate would it. Instead I said “Cuz he’s stubborn.” He just smiled and said “Yea, he is.” And that was that.
Usually when they ask me why he won’t go somewhere or why he said or did something, my answer is “You’ll have to ask him.” That works for some stuff. But really, they are trying to figure him out just like I am. I think it’s my job to help them figure it out and explain that he is crazy and unpredictable and no way is it their fault when he flips out and yells. I explain this in a nice way of course. Ha.
It seems like they are getting it. They don’t seem to take it personally. I still do unfortunately. How could I not? I have become the target of his grudges, silent treatments, and criticism. He needs to hurry up and get over himself. He is ruining his marriage. He is ruining his relationship with his kids. I don’t know what changed in him and what brought this on. I hate it though. There are no drugs. There is no alcohol. There is no other woman. (I feel confident about those statements believe it or not.)
What is it? My guess would be that he is stressed about all his responsibilities and the constant demands on his time and attention. Umm. I’m right there with you dear hubby! Again I want to say “Deal with it!” The rest of us manage to deal with it without hating the world.
He is going to have so many regrets about this season of his life – there is no doubt about that.
I want my husband back – the one that I married 17 years ago. I’m praying he is still in there somewhere.
My Kids are Still Uplugged
28 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Love my Kids! Tags: Kids, parenting
My kids unplugged last Tuesday. (2/21/12)
They are still unplugged! They have officially made it one whole week. I am amazed.
It has been so easy – for me at least! Instead of me constantly having to tell them to get off the computer etc, it is their choice! I do not have to be the nagging mom that is no fun. They have asked a few times if they could get on. I said “Sure!”. But then they don’t.
Kid2 said to me last night that this was gonna last a while. She said it was “cuz we don’t want each other to get the money.” So it is no longer about earning the money for her, it appears to be about making sure her Bro & sis don’t get it. Ha!
Gotta love sibling rivalry!
My Kids are Unplugged
23 Feb 2012 2 Comments
in Love my Kids! Tags: Kids, parenting
I may have reached a new LOW… Or I’m brilliant. 
I’m not sure which yet!
My kids have been plugged in like crazy lately. “Plugged in” means they are on the computer or Ipad or Ipod or whatever technological device they can find. (I am constantly telling them to “Unplug”!)
They are all about Animal Jam now and they just had a 4 day weekend. They sat for HOURS playing that game. I couldn’t stand it anymore!
So…
I offered a $20 bill to whoever stays off the computer & ipad & ipod the longest.
Then the idea kind evolved.
Rules:
- The money isn’t in the pot until 3 days have passed.
- After that, the pot increases $1/day.
Today is Day 3. They all keep trying to get the others to cave and tempt them by talking about their friends who are online etc. It’s hilarious! And it has been so peaceful here! Much less whining. For real. Last night Kid1 & Kid3 played ‘Go Fish’ together – the actual card game! And remember books? And they got my old Merlin down from the game shelf in the basement. You remember Merlin – I know you do!
I will admit that they got bored pretty quickly with Merlin. But it lead to a fun conversation about the ‘good old days’!
Yay!
Oh – wondering why I think it might be a new LOW ?? Cuz I am actually PAYING my kids to not to play on the computer! Sounds so sad when I think of it that way!
So I won’t – I will just enjoy this and maybe even get to play a board game or two.
The Guy That Shot His Daughter’s Laptop
15 Feb 2012 3 Comments
in Love my Kids! Tags: parenting
Did you see this yet?
It’s a cautionary tale.
-
I’m sorry … but I LOVE it!
I will also admit that I do wonder if he is just a little bit psycho.
I think any parent that has tried again and again to get through to their kid with no results would get this though. It’s like banging your head against the wall. I’ll bet this worked :)
I don’t think he needed to broadcast it to the world. But he sure made his point!
I read some of his facebook page which is public, and it really seems like he is an OK guy.
It Has Been a Year
30 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Love my Kids!, Marriage Tags: D Word, happy hubby, husband, marriage improvement, parenting
It has been a year since I told him to move out.
December 27th, 2010 - We had been fighting all day. We had been fighting for years I guess. I had been crying for a long time. Then I was angry for an even longer time. Then I was sad because I didn’t know how to fix it. Then I gave up. Then I got strong and decided I wanted to stand on my own. I told him he should move out. I told him I didn’t want to live with him anymore.
We went back & forth a lot this past year, trying to make it work and wondering if we should just give up.
We are still here.
On Tuesday it was a year since I finally made that decision and took a stand. I read somewhere that if you decide that you want a divorce, wait one whole year after you have made that decision to act on it. If you still want a divorce after that year, then you will be more prepared because you had all that time to get your finances etc together and come to terms with it. Obviously the hope though is that you won’t still want that divorce. So I have waited a year. I fully expected to be separated from my husband by now, or at least to be very soon. I knew that I would wait until after the holidays because that would be really crappy timing for my kids. But I expected things to be miserable and I was hoping perhaps that by now we would at least not be so angry at each other, we would be resigned to the fact that we couldn’t make it work and be civil to one another.
Thankfully it did not come to that.
This year has been full of ups & downs. And honestly I still can’t say that I trust him forever yet. But wow. SO MUCH BETTER than where we were a year ago!
Some days he still infuriates me. Some days I get angry and wonder why I have tried so hard to save this marriage. But most days I am glad that we are still together.
He had a major attitude adjustment. That happened 9/26/11 – just 3 months ago. There is no other way I can describe the change that ultimately saved our marriage. Some days his old grumpy, moody self creeps out, but not as often as before. Before it was pretty much all the time.
A great example of my new happy hubby: Tonight the kids were all being rowdy. The don’t-know-when-to-stop kind of rowdy. Just picking on each other and laughing hysterically, and throwing candy canes at each other. I kept telling them to knock it off, they weren’t listening at all. (How long is Christmas break ?!?!?!) Hubby picked a candy cane up off the floor and pretended to slam it down on the table with a loud bang. They all looked shocked and then cracked up. He laughed and left the room. Well, this started a big conversation about what would have happened if daddy would have actually done that – how it would have cracked and been smashed to powdered candy cane that they could mix in their hot chocolate. How it would probably fly everywhere and stick to the walls, etc. My son went on & on with the stories and what ifs with his imagination in over-drive. Apparently it got the best of him, he stood up on the table and threw a candy cane down with all his might. It flew everywhere. Little sticky red & white chunks were on the curtains, in the carpet, everywhere. He didn’t know if he should laugh or cry when he saw the look on my face. It’s funny now, not so much then. I laughed more than I yelled – I can say that I guess. Ha. Hubby came to see what happened. He laughed and told him to get the sweeper.
He laughed and told him to get the sweeper.
Amazing.
It has been a year since I told him to move out. He never did move out. I’m glad.
(In case you are wondering why his reaction was so awesome... Before? Yelling, swearing, Mean harsh words about how stupid that was, just terrible nastiness. So this was a huge improvement!)
Belly Button Piercing
18 Nov 2011 4 Comments
in Love my Kids! Tags: Kids, parenting
Kid1 decided to pierce her belly button by herself. Ouch.
First of all, she never even asked if she could get that done. Would I have said OK if she asked? Probably not. But she never even asked. Instead she snuck around and did it herself and hid it from us.
I found out because she showed her friends and one of their moms called me cuz her daughter told her it looked red and icky. So she told me in case it was infected. Ugh.
I told hubby. I have to say we both wanted to laugh & cry at the same time I think. I mean that’s kinda insane for her to do. And then I’m mad because she lied to us. I’m more mad about her lying and sneaking around than the hole in her belly.
Hubby handled it much better than I expected. He said I should print out an article about infected belly piercings and a gross picture. And then just lay it on her bed without saying anything. I thought that was a great idea. But I’m a more direct person I guess because before the evening was over it was all out in the open.
Later, I cried. I just felt overwhelmed. I feel like this child is a never ending project. And I’m sure she wishes that I would just leave her alone. I mean the issues lately have been – a D in science on the report card, failing math tests, diabetes blood tests, exercising which she hates, trying to get her to eat healthier and less sugar,… I guess she probably feels overwhelmed too. She fights me every step of the way. It makes me want to give up and just wait for her to get it. But no. I will not give up. Especially with these walks – I am determined to keep at it until she quits hating it! (and then keep going of course cuz then it might actually be enjoyable :)
She is not responsible at all. I think she needs to take ownership of these things – her exercise, her food, her grades, etc. She won’t. She is just not a responsible person in general. She forgets to bring things home from school. She forgets to take things to school. Her one chore is the dishwasher. That girl will not do the dishwasher until I tell her to do it EVERY DAY. And then every day she moans about having to do it.
Now I am well aware that you are not supposed to play the comparison game with your kids. BUT. My 11 year old daughter is in charge of (helping me with) laundry. Last night I was not home. 11yo still found a full hamper that needed washed and did laundry. And folded another basket that was in the living room. No one told her to do this. She just did it. Kid1 – who is 13 – did not bother to do anything with the dishes at all. This morning the sink was overflowing. I loaded up the dishwasher and ran it after they left for school. There is no reason for her not to have done it. Hubby said she got her homework done early, so she had most of the evening to do whatever. So she had time. Just not the motivation.
But I can’t seem to find what motivates her and believe me I have tried many many things!
Oh – back to me crying. I was back in my office alone and she came back. She caught me crying. And let me tell you that is the most remorseful I have ever seen her! She was apologizing and saying she wouldn’t lie to me anymore and she knew she hurt me by sneaking around etc. Seriously. It was not a plan to guilt her. I was really just crying cuz I’d had enough. But wow! I will have to remember that! I’ve never been a fan of heaping on the mom guilt…. but it may actually work on this child! lol
By the way I told her I wanted a picture. She said “Why?” I said “So you can look back at this someday and wonder what on earth you were thinking!” So shhh. Don’t tell her I put it on here :)
I Love My Daughter
24 Oct 2011 7 Comments
in Love my Kids! Tags: diabetes, exerxise, Kids, parenting
My heart is aching right now for her.
I didn’t do enough.
We don’t have the test results yet, but I am pretty sure we will hear this week that she has diabetes.
Diabetes runs in my family.
I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with all 3 of my babies. I am now “pre-diabetic”. My sister is the same, had gestational diabetes and is now pre-diabetic. My dad has diabetes. My mother-in-laws father had diabetes severely that he did not manage well at all apparently and he lost his leg from it.
My daughter has been dealing with extra weight for several years. I have tried and tried and tried many different things. I have talked about health and nutrition, not fat & skinny. We have talked about the risk of diabetes. I have exercised with her. I have bitten my tongue and assumed it would bother her at some point and she’d want to do it for herself. I have bribed her to exercise. She has lost privileges when she refused to exercise.
One time last year she was angry at me for my latest attempt to help her get healthy – I told her that she could not have her ipod each day until she exercised. Her solution to that was to go “turtle speed” on the treadmill for 15 minutes. I am talking true turtle speed. She watched TV as she did it and went as slow as the thing could go. Then I changed it to 1 mile instead of 15 minutes. She was so very angry. Then I told her she was going to lose her electronics and not get them back until she lost 3 pounds. Yea, I dunno if that was a good call or not. It never actually happened. She did speed up a bit on the treadmill after that threat. My logic was that electronics were not helpful, she was sedentary or at least very slow when she had those with her – I thought it would motivate her.
She just LOVED her home-ec teacher last year. I wanted to strangle the woman. She told Kid1 that me taking her ipod etc until she lost 3 pounds was not ok. I don’t remember now how she put it, but basically she acted like that was terrible child abuse and kid1 would be scarred forever because I dared to talk about her weight. This woman has no children. Is she there every single time we go clothes shopping and kid1 ends up sobbing in the dressing rooms because none of the clothes she likes fit her? Has she dealt with this year after year? Is she concerned, as I am, about her health – or just her happiness in this moment. What about teaching her how to live a healthy life? Isn’t that my job as a parent?
Yes, I have heard again and again… be careful what you say. Don’ mention a child’s weight, they will be scarred for life. “You’ll give her a complex.” I have heard many times! (What the heck is a complex anyway??) Phooey. I have long thought that was bologna. As a parent it is my job to teach my children how to be healthy. What kind of mom am I if I DON’T speak up? I have been kind. I have been careful which words I have chosen when we talk about her health. And that’s is what it is. Health. Not fat. Not skinny. She is awesome. She is the kindest, most loving, energetic, sometimes hyper, fun person I know. But she is at an unhealthy weight.
So I have been concerned about this for years, never really expecting her to become diabetic, but worrying and being creative and trying endless new ways to inspire her to exercise.
Our latest attempt has been pretty successful actually. As soon as she gets home from school, we go for a walk. It’s probably only a little further than a mile. And we aren’t real fast. But we go. Every day. That’s the deal. We have gone in the rain, and in the wind. One day it was just too nasty so we “just danced” on the wii.
She HATES it. The first 2 weeks consisted of her non-stop complaints about her ankles hurting, or rocks in her shoes. One day we stopped 8 times for her to fix her shoes. It was just because she was hating it so much. Maybe she needed a break. She huffed and puffed. It got a little better and there were a few days mixed in there that we had nice conversations instead of moaning. Seriously, some days the whole entire time she just complains about how mean I am and how horrible I am and how stupid this is and blah blah blah. I told hubby – she really hates me for this. You know what? I don’t care. I am proud that we have stuck it out this long. I keep hoping it gets easier. I think it will. Like I said, she doesn’t think I’m the devil EVERY day now, still most though :) It’ll be ok, it will get easier for her and I’m really praying she’ll feel proud of herself and that will motivate her to keep going.
Last Thursday she said to me “It’s working mom! I lost 4 pounds!” She was full of anger again on our walk on Friday though. Small victories right?
About a week after we started our walks she had her yearly check up. She has stretch marks on her sides. I never heard of that being a sign of diabetes but something concerned the dr greatly because he gave her a big stern (but kind) lecture on the dangers of diabetes. I swear I did not put him up to it but I was happy to have someone else saying the things to her that I have been harping at her for years. And he ordered blood work to check her blood sugar and cholesterol levels.
We planned to do it on a Saturday morning since it was a fasting blood test. We put it off cuz we were busy for 2 weekends. I felt guilty so we checked her blood sugar with my glucometer. It read 216! As soon as I saw it I felt ill. I hugged her. Kid 2 told me to knock it off I was scaring kid1! lol But I was scared! I have never had a reading that high! The next day, 2 hours after supper, our whole family did the prick test. We had a normal, pretty balanced supper with apple crisp for desert. Mine was a little high – 156. Hubby’s & Kids 1 & 2 were OK. Kid1′s was 225. Not cool.
So today, as soon as hubby got home from work, we went to the medical center to get her bloodwork done. She was late for school which she loved. I’m quite sure we will be hearing from the doctor by the end of the week. Then everything changes. I’m glad we are finding out now. But this child is stubborn and defiant. She will need to understand how serious this is and get that it is REAL.
And just in time for the holidays. I guess we will learn quickly how to make some sugar-free cookies for Christmas!
He is grumpy cuz we are here now. (Update)
12 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Love my Kids! Tags: communication, Kids, marriage improvement, parenting
So we have been having lots of conversations lately, which is wonderful. It was long overdue. We said things that we have been keeping inside and that have been eating away at us for a long time, maybe even years. It’s been going pretty well. Sometimes we get defensive. Sometimes we get frustrated. But really we have done a great job keeping our tempers in check. Yay us.
We’ve talked about so much. It is all spinning around in my head and I want to type it out. If I wait until I have time to type it all, I will never do it. So bits & pieces will have to do as they come to mind and I have the time.
———
I told him that kid2 said “he is grumpy because we are here now.“
He didn’t seem to think it was as big a deal as I did. I asked him why he wasn’t more upset by it. He said he couldn’t imagine that she actually meant it the way I took it. I said she did and told him more of the conversation. I told him it made me sick in the stomach to know she felt that way. He said yea, that’s not good if she really thinks that.
He was quiet after that. I don’t know what is going on in his mind. I hope that he took it to heart and remembers it and uses it to interact better with our kids. Time will tell I guess.
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