Dear Hubby: I AM NOT LIKE YOU
12 Apr 2012 2 Comments
in Dear Hubby, Marriage Tags: anger, husband, Marriage is Hard, venting
Dear Hubby,
I am not a bitch. Even though you act like I am.
I am smart. Is that why you lash out at me? Are you threatened by me?
I asked you a question this morning about the tool shed you are building. I asked you several actually. Call it curiosity. I thought we were having a real conversation.
Silly me.
I guarantee that you would have had a million questions for me if I was doing something like that. And a million opinions about how I was doing it wrong. Is that why you expect the same from me?
News flash: I AM NOT LIKE YOU.
I forgot that you are so insecure that any time I ask you anything about something you are doing – you think I am judging you or questioning your decisions. You think I am putting you down. And you go into jerk mode.
You know, people have conversations all the time about things that are happening. If my Dad/brother/friend… even father-in-law was building a shed I might have had a similar conversation with them. I could have made the exact same comment while talking to pretty much anyone else and they would not have taken offense to it.
(I feel the need to defend myself here to the blog world. You must think I surely said it in a snarky way or something. I did not. I promise. We were sitting at the table, I was drinking coffee, we were gabbing about the day, the conversation turned to the shed, BAM!)
The question that set you off? “You’re not giving up on building your garage are you? Are you doing this instead of a garage?”
I meant no harm. I wasn’t saying that you shouldn’t build the shed because I want you to build a garage. I wasn’t yelling at you for not building a garage yet. I was just inquiring. I don’t care if you build 10 sheds and still want a garage. I was hoping you hadn’t given up your plans for the garage, that is all. In my mind, maybe I thought I would be encouraging you. I meant to be supportive and positive about both plans.
Nothing I do is right in your mind. I did nothing wrong. You acted like an ass.
You said “I wish I had a way to haul some shale in.” And you started talking about how you were going to build the shed. I made several comments, all supportive. I have no opinion about how you build it. I couldn’t care less. Truly. It’s a tool shed. I know nothing about building a tool shed.
Whatever.
I guess it was just a continuation of you being jerky at dinner last night.
The phone company is running new wires out here so we can have faster DSL. I watched them yesterday from my office window. A man was up in the bucket truck with a huge spool of cable. The truck moved up the road slowly as he unwound it and some other men walked along behind the truck. I though it was neat. I even took a picture.
At dinner Kid3 mentioned that he saw the trucks out there early in the morning. I chimed in and told you all how I saw them in the bucket truck today and blah blah blah. You looked at me and said “Well duh. How else do you expect them to run the wire? They have to lay it out before they can hang it on the poles.” You said something like that. I don’t think you called it hanging it on the poles. Not the point.
I enjoyed seeing them do that. I was happy to tell what I saw. You immediately had to demean me with it. I called you on it. I said “Well you may know everything but I don’t so I thought it was neat to see them do that.” You said “No, I don’t know everything…” and were ready to launch into this big thing about how I over-react to everything. I stopped you and said something to the effect that you just love to try to make me look stupid. You didn’t have to put me down. I said “I am done talking to you!”
After everyone ate, I was cleaning up the kitchen, he & the kids were still sitting at the table talking, he got up and said “Well, now that I’ve called everyone stupid, I guess I’ll go watch the news.” I said “Not everyone, just me.” Kid1 chimed in “Me too.” He said “Great” and left the room. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. It will not sink in. He will not change how he speaks to me. He will not think of me any differently. Well maybe he’ll think I am even more of a nuisance now.
He gets off on trying to make himself feel superior to everyone else. His older sister is the same. She goes off on these rants. Her husband told her to get off her high-horse once during a get-together. She told him she was just giving her opinion. He told her that we didn’t all need to be subjected to her opinion about everything little thing. He hit the nail on the head with that one. I wanted to jump up and scream hallelujah!
Hubby is the same way. He has an opinion about everything. Sometimes he is wrong. He even has very strong opinions about things he knows nothing about. That is what really infuriates me. Sometimes I will mention a work problem and he goes off on this rant and of course he has the solution right? Problem is that he knows nothing about programming. I look at him incredulously and wonder how in the heck he can even feel confident making those remarks! I would not go on a rant telling him the correct way to weld something! I would never think that I had a solution like that for him. Yet, he does that to me. Umm, no – I just went to college for 4 years to learn how to do this. I even worked at xxxxx and yyyyy for a while…. but you know better dear. WHAT?!?!? You’d think I would have gained some respect from him – at least in this area – by now.
How does a person get so egotistical? How?
Then when I look closely I see that his mother is the same. She is more subtle about it. But she has an opinion about EVERYTHING too that she feels the need to share. I mean seriously some things do not need to be said. And how about for once admitting to yourself that someone MAY know more about a particular topic than you do?!
And for a moment let’s assume that you DO know more than everyone about everything… do you really need to be an ass about it? Couldn’t you be a genius AND be kind?
See there is no excuse for you treating me like that. None.
I don’t care if you are tired. I don’t care if your back hurts. I don’t care whatever else the problem may be. You do not need to talk to me like that.
I really wish you didn’t think of me the way you do though. You think I am an evil person working against you. I’m not. More than anything I want us to be on the SAME side. We’re supposed to be a team working together in this world.
Sincerely,
Z
A simple conversation. An innocent remark. An angry husband.
Repeat this over and over and this is my life.
Free To Stress Myself Out
21 Mar 2012 4 Comments
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety, ativan, Kids, panic attacks, parenting, school, venting
I am free this morning.
Kids are off to school. Hubby is at an auction. He left work at 4am, came home, changed, picked up his dad at 5:30 am and off they went. The auction is about 1 1/2 hours away. Crazy if you ask me – but these are things that John Deere fanatics do :)
So I am home alone. This is very rare. I have not done anything differently than normal – I started laundry, put another coat of poly on the table I am refinishing, cleaned up a little, and sat down here at the computer to get to work. That’s not really different. (Except that I am blogging, not working :/) What is different is the way I feel! I just love that I can do whatever I want and no-one is gonna question me or criticize me. It’s freeing! Even though I am only doing laundry etc. My hubby has something to say about everything! I am constantly having to explain myself or defend a decision I made. It is exhausting!
(Occasionally I go on strike and refuse to answer his questions or defend my choices. I tell him I’m sick of explaining myself to him and then I refuse to. Ha. Perhaps it’s time for that again. See what perspective some alone time can bring :)
Unfortunately this day is stressing me out for other reasons. I am taking Kid3 to the dentist after school today – he has cavities that need to be taken care of. I have been putting it off because they are in his baby teeth and I was hoping they would just fall out soon. It hasn’t happened yet. One is looking pretty icky and is not loose at all. He has never had this done before and is very worried that it is going to hurt. And we all know how I love the dentist. I’m nervous for him. I’m also nervous that I will have panic attack from having to sit there and watch. I don’t do good with stuff like that.
To add to that, I expect to get my period today, so my hormones are in overdrive. Hormones greatly affect my anxiety! My anxiety levels always skyrocket when I have PMS.
I also have a gazillion upcoming events swirling around in my head that I am already starting to stress about. Teacher conferences are in 2 weeks I think. The spring musical is coming up in May. The kids have started practicing their songs and whining about having to go. Hubby already told them they had to. It seems like the school year is going to end quickly. Everyone is talking about all the happenings, and planning all this stuff. Kid1 has the spring formal to attend. The band concert is coming up. The music teacher has mentioned that she may have the 6th graders play with the band too – which means that both Kid1 & Kid2 would be in it. Kid2 asked me to help chaperone their field trip. Not sure yet where they are going, but a charter bus in usually involved. Talk about feeling trapped! How can I say no?? When your kid wants you around, you take advantage of it! :) And the year end awards assemblies that I absolutely LOVE (sarcasm!)? They are coming up too only this year will be bigger. Kid2 is “graduating” from elementary school. They have a 6th grade graduation assembly which is longer and involves a reception type thing in the cafeteria afterward. (Our school system has elementary school from K-6 and the the high school is grades 7-12)
I know all these things are not happening today and I need to put them out of my mind. I know that they will not be as bad as I anticipate. They never are. I also know that the dentist today will be ok. It just will.
It’s been a good while since I’ve taken any ativan. I couldn’t remember when so I looked at my Joes Goals Log and see that it was March 1st when I took Kid1 shopping to get her dress for the formal. (That’s a whole other post!) Very cool that’s been that long. I can’t remember the last time I took an ativan…. I like that sentence! So I’m gonna remind myself that I’ve been doing good, that I know it’s just hormones that are kicking my butt today, I am not insane, and it will all be OK. And I will definitley be taking an ativan this afternoon.
And that is OK.
He’s so negative!
23 Feb 2012 3 Comments
in Marriage Tags: husband, Marriage is Hard, swearing, venting
Hubby is in the shower right now.
He is in there swearing “Son of a bitch!” “Come on!” “Jesus Christ!”
Like what on earth would make a person yell and swear when they are in the shower? Ummm… maybe he ran out of shampoo? Nope just put new bottles of shampoo & conditioner in there. He get scalded cuz someone ran some cold water somewhere? Nope, kids are in bed and I am here. He doesn’t shave in the shower so he couldn’t have cut himself.
I have no idea.
He’s so negative! Why the heck does he have to be so negative and angry about everything?!?!
I want to live in a peaceful home.
Clearing My Head
30 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Health & Happiness Tags: Quiet Time, slow down, venting
I want to post but what shall I say?
I have been too busy. I often think of things I want to blog about it. By the time I’m able to sit down at the computer though – it’s like my mind is blank. I feel rushed all day long. I think that is the main problem. I’m not even giving my brain down time. If I do have some time to sit and browse the internet mindlessly, I feel guilty the entire time because I should be doing XYZ. Whatever that may be.
I really need to clear my head. The problem right now is that it is the end of the month and I have too many work projects with January 31st deadlines. So it will slow down soon. 2 days left – ack!
Work is busy. So busy I am staying up too late and not getting enough sleep.
What else? This is week #3 of me getting up earlier in the morning. My goal is to be up before the kids so I can have some quiet time. Most mornings this has worked. I’m pretty proud of this, especially since I have been working late too. And I need my sleep! I am not usually a morning person. Well I used to be. I haven’t been for a while though. I’m trying to change that. If you are interested, here is a little motivation for getting up earlier in the mornings: Maximize Your Mornings
Morning quiet time has been awesome though. I am reading through a daily devotional by Joyce Myers. It works through the Bible app on my ipod touch. (Link here: http://www.youversion.com/reading-plans/promises-for-your-everyday-life)
I haven’t read my bible daily in years so I’m feeling good about this. The devotions are short and take just a few minutes, which is probably why it works for me.
I have also been attempting to do meal planning for the week. This has been interesting because we are also doing our own version of the “Pantry Challenge” right now too! Info on the Pantry Challenge idea can be found here: http://goodcheapeats.com/2011/12/join-me-for-a-pantry-challenge/
Our freezer was overflowing – as in I had to put paint cans on top of it to keep it closed – and who knows what was way down deep in there. So we are trying to eat out of there as much as possible and avoid grocery shopping as much as possible. I still shop weekly though I’ve found. Fruit and veggies, milk, eggs, etc. But I can close the freezer now without the help of the paint cans so that is a plus. The main thing in my freezer? Shredded Zucchini! I do that every year with the garden surplus. It’s great for bread, muffins, crab cakes. Yesterday I found a package marked 2004 though! Ick. Anyway, it’s been interesting.
Oh – and a great accomplishment that I set up about 2 weeks ago! We now have a “command center” in our home. Sounds hokey I know but that is what the organized internet world calls it :) It is great! We always have piles all over the kitchen counter – mail, school papers, magazines, etc. Drove me nuts. And I constantly lose things in that pile! So I rearranged my office some and put a desk, filing box, & bulletin board in one corner. It is beautiful and organized. I did take before pics of the counter and of the new space. If I remember to get those off the camera soon, I will post them.
Basketball is still in full swing for Kid3. Lots of practices, games, and scrimmages for me to attend and hope that the exposure therapy works in my battle against anxiety & panic attacks.
Hubby? He’s still good. Most days :)
Hopefully this post broke the ice, or writer’s block, or whatever my problem was and I will get back to my blogging therapy.
Happy Monday all.
My Meltdown
06 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety, venting
I haven’t been blogging much but I still open up notepad on my computer and type away!
This is from Saturday.
MY MELTDOWN.
Slumber party that wasn’t very fun cuz I didn’t plan activities for them like usual cuz I figured they’d think it was corny since they are older now and usually just love to gab and dance and things, birthday gift disappointment, last minute bday party tonight with the in-laws planned out of guilt, Christmas hanging over my head, too many pics to look thru to get prints made for the photo calendar we make for dad every year, piles of junk in my office and on my desk that I am ashamed of, PMS, hubby YELLING at me that I care too much what other people think.
I’m going to go take a nap. Life is always better after a nap.
I was very on edge. I just wanted to cry pretty much all day. And I did cry quite a bit. What was wrong? Nothing and everything all at the same time. I did take a nap. And I did take an ativan around suppertime. At that point I was expecting more in-laws and my day was already horrible. I was not in a party hosting kind of mood.
I have been working tons of hours. I work in online marketing, and of course we just had the biggest shopping days of the year with Black Friday & Cyber Monday. And did you notice many stores running ‘Before Black Friday’ sales. And Cyber Monday seems to have turned into Cyber Week. I am grateful for the work, the pay, the job. I do love my job. But I am on overload right now. I was determined to not have to work on Thanksgiving Day – mainly because I had told my clients they needed to have their sales info to me early because I would not be working that day… So I ended up working 13 hours on the day before. I was up until 3am. 13 hours! That’s a record for me. And the kids were off school so that was in between me logging in and out and doing whatever with them, and making supper, and prepping food for Thursday, etc. And I DID end up working Thanksgiving night anyway – how could I not? Many many Black Friday sales begun in the wee hours so I had to be ready for that. I think I have been in zombie mode ever since!
That began this cycle of stress & anxiety that I have been dealing with lately. Lack of sleep will do that to me. And I had several days of little sleep.
Add the pressures of holiday meals, family get-togethers, Christmas shopping, math homework marathons, doctor appointments, eye doctor appointment, flu shots, etc.
It adds up quickly!
Kids, A Grump & Anxiety.
16 Nov 2011 3 Comments
in Health & Happiness Tags: anxiety, Kids, school, venting
Brain Dump.
Whatever.
Hubby is not here this morning. I feel free. Sad. True. I like alone time. I really am doing the same things I do every morning so I don’t know why it is such a big thing for me. But it is. I love it.
Kid2 was in a mood this morning. She is stubborn beyond reason. I offered to drive them to school since she had to carry her saxophone today. She spouted something about how they are always late when I take them – no thank you. No, we have never once been late when I take them. My kids have always wanted to get there after the first bell rings so they don’t have to stand outside with the big swarm of kids that then make a mad dash into the building. We usually arrive just as that bell is ringing, or immediately after. She has now decided that is late. Who knew? If she wanted to get there earlier, couldn’t she just have said that?? She was just in a mood.
Kid3 was then all upset when he heard that I had offered but she threw a fit so now they were riding the bus. He hates the bus ride. By the time this all came out we were already sitting at the bus stop. Just get on the bus people! My coffee is waiting!
Kid1 has been grounded since the report card with the D came home. She has been studying a lot more and I thought doing better. It was like a kick in the gut when I checked her grades this morning online and see that she got 9.5/25 on the last math quiz. Yes. 9.5 right out of 25. WTH? I helped her study for that. I thought she knew it. The worst part is that she knew that, she had that test in her backpack and chose not to tell me. That’s bad cuz she gets to re-take the test and we could have been studying! She has to take it by tomorrow. He then averages the grades of the 2 tests. It sucks cuz even if she got 100% on the retake, she could still only get a 50%. I guess looking at it that way, what’s the point?
I need to take some steps back from all this crap with Kid1′s grades. Yea, I need to help her figure out what on earth the problem is this year. (Before this year she has always gotten A’s & B’s (maybe 1 c?) She had to work hard, but she was able to do it. This year it just feels out of control. As soon as you regroup and figure out what went wrong with one nasty grade, there is another one staring you in the face. So, yea I need to help her and I will. But I think I also need to realize that these are HER grades. And not take it so personally when she fails something. I do because I spend hours of my life almost everyday helping her / encouraging her / making her do her homework / asking her when stuff is due and trying to get her to remember to write things down and be organized. It’s exhausting.
Like I said, I need to take a step back. Even if she fails algebra, it is not the end of the world. So she repeats it next year. So that completely sucks. It still isn’t the end of the world. Right? And now next week are parent teacher conferences. Most of her teachers I just talked to via email but her math teacher would like me to come in and have a face to face chat. LOL Great.
I can’t stand her math teacher. I don’t think he teaches. This is his first year teaching algebra (He was previously a science teacher)and I really don’t think he has much of a plan. He said at the beginning of the year that there would never be homework. If they cover something in class and they feel like they need more practice, they should complete some problems from the book, the answers to the odd numbers are in the back of the book. And if they still don’t understand it, they should google it. Honest. That is what he told them. Seems like he is taking the easy way out to me. If they still don’t understand it, wouldn’t you want your students to ask you questions? It’s math for heaven sakes…homework is necessary. And tell a class of 8th grade students that there is never any homework unless they CHOOSE to do it? Yea, right. All that means is that parents like me who DO care if their kid understands it become the math teachers/homework enforcers. Ugh.
So this conference should be interesting for sure. :D
I have an eye doctor appointment tomorrow. I hate going to these appointments. They have all those machines in dark rooms. It makes me feel trapped. You know – the one that blows air in your eyeball. And the one that takes a pic inside your eye. And then you sit in that chair with that contraption in front of you while he says #1 or #2? repeatedly until you find the right prescription. I hate it. But I need to go. So I will go. Yes, I will.
And hubby has been sleep deprived this week so he has been grumpy. It is his own fault he is sleep deprived – that’s why it pisses me off. And he will never never never admit that is why he is grumpy.
Yesterday Jill posted about having an anxiety filled day. It’s like she was here with me! (Hi Jill!) I was jumping out of my skin yesterday. I really really really wanted to take an ativan. But I didn’t. I’m glad I didn’t but it was very hard! I did deep breathing. I lit my candle. I took breaks from working on the computer and tried to distract myself. I did finally feel better and relax some after Kid1 and I took a walk when she got home from school. She’s back to hating me for making her walk by the way. Yay. But the exercise did help my nerves. I should have gone for a walk sooner.
Guess I just needed to vent this morning.
Happy Happy Day. I need to be done with this complaining crap and get on with it. I have work deadlines looming over me and I need to focus!
Happy Blogiversary to Me!
14 Nov 2011 3 Comments
in Health & Happiness Tags: happiness, Thank You Lord, therapy, venting
I missed my blogiversary! I realize it may sound stupid, but I am totally impressed with myself! lol
The fact that I stuck with this blog for an entire year is amazing! I am full of ideas and I usually start off full speed ahead with new projects, but run out of steam and get bored quickly. So this is big.
November 5th was one year since I started this. I decided to create a post index on this blog. Thank you very much WordPress, it was a complete pain in the rear. Seems like there should have been an easier way! But it’s done. I called it Archives and put it in the menu at the top of the page. I wanted a clearer picture of my journey.
This blog has changed my life. The people I have met through this blog have changed my life.
I have gained confidence and perspective that I would not have had otherwise. I have found a great support system that means more to me than any of you will ever know. I have found encouragement when I needed it and some company when all I could blog about was my misery.
This is my special place.
I am a better person because of this blog. I am stronger and more confident. I may not know where I am going yet, but I know where I don’t want to be. I’ve changed the direction of my life. And this blog has been a key factor in the positive changes in my life.
THANK YOU LORD for my anonymous blog and my cyber friends.
Happy Tuesday
08 Nov 2011 2 Comments
in Health & Happiness Tags: Kids, venting
Some rambling today:
My cold won’t go away. My sore throat is getting a little less sore but I’m still all stuffed up and now my right ear is painful. Congestion. Ugh.
I have gotten more sleep lately than usual because I’ve been in a cold medicine fog. I guess that’s a plus.
Kid1 & I went his morning to re-take her blood test to check her blood sugar levels. We randomly checked it last night and it was 173. Not good. She said “What’s wrong with me ??!?”
She is getting a D on her report card in Science. I never even knew there was a problem in Science! This is the first ever D on a report card. I hate it. D’s are not OK! We worked hard on math and got that back up to a C. Ugh. I always got As & Bs so this is very hard for me to accept. And I do not accept it actually. She is now going to tutoring at the public library twice a week. College students are running it. It sounded good. But it really seems like more of a social hour. Now I found out that there is tutoring specifically for math at the school library one day a week after school. So we’ll be trying that also because she brought home a test yesterday with a 44%. Ugh. My daughter is not dumb. She is capable of doing this. So I don’t get it. If I study with her, she does good. But she is in 8th grade, she needs to be able to do this more independently. And let’s be real here – it’s hard! I have to sit down & relearn math I have long since forgotten every night of my life and re-teach it to her. That takes a lot of time. Of course she is worth it. But I have 2 other children, a hubby, a job, and many other things that I have to do also so sometimes it is just too much!
Kid1 has always had to work hard for her grades. Various teachers over the years have told me she has ADD and I should medicate her. I never did. Every time a struggle like this comes up though I wonder if it was the right decision. SHe has to work hard, so much harder than most kids and she CAN do it if she can get herself to sit down, focus, and get on with it. Sometimes she is so unorganized though she doesn’t even know what she is supposed to be studying!
So the questions pop back into my mind. Maybe we are making her life much harder than it needs to be by not trying medication. Maybe we are doing the RIGHT thing by not giving her medicine. She has to learn how to be herself in this world after all, doesn’t she? I don’t want her to think she has to be medicated to fit in! Blah blah blah. Who knows. Same old questions swirling around in my brain.
Tomorrow I am supposed to the gyne for my anuual exam, which I have to cancel because of bad timing. Yay! ha. And then Thursday is parent visitation day at the school which sometimes stresses me out. Not yet cuz I’m too busy to even think about it yet! And my boss is piling the work on with deadlines all over the place! aaagggghhhh.
Perhaps a little nyquil and my comfy bed is the solution? A girls can dream…..
Have a good day everyone. :)
A quick update: marriage improvement, kids, and me.
04 Oct 2011 4 Comments
in Health & Happiness, Marriage Tags: communication, husband, Kids, panic attacks, venting
There is so much I want to type. So much. But is is already so late.
I could be here for hours typing all that is on my mind. And then I would feel sick & grumpy in the morning and I would be short tempered with my kiddos and I would feel like crap all day and not get much work done cuz I wouldn’t be able to focus and I would HATE cooking supper and end up ordering take-out instead even though it isn’t in our budget and then I would regret that and… You get the idea. I am trying to get to bed earlier and make myself actually keep some kind of healthy routine. Not working very well yet but I will keep starting over :)
It is already past the bedtime I set for myself. Sigh.
A few quick notes about what’s been happening in my life:
* Last Monday hubby announced he was going to be a “happy happy guy!” from now on. I figured he was just being a sarcastic jerk, but he lived up to it all week. So very weird how he can just decide that and it changes everything.
* Amazingly he is still being awesome as of today. Wow has it only been 8 days? Hmph. Seemed like longer than that.
* Hubby invited me to go along with him on a day trip. I really should have worked instead but was so shocked by the invitation that I figured I better check it out…. I’d either be dead or happier by the end of the day. Still here… :)
* Hubby and I went on a date.
* I dressed up and wore a clingy sparkly kinda low cut top (with a jacket) and heels on our date. Heels people. I have been a stay-at-home mom and then a work-at-home mom for 11 years. Yea when I went to the office daily I wore all sorts of nice clothes. Now my uniform is really jeans and a nice shirt. For a few of the rough (3 kids under 5) years it was sweats and a tee. So yes… I wore heels. I felt pretty. lol
* I went on that date: including a nice restaurant – without any ativan! woo hoo!
* Hubby and I talked and talked about real issues. REAL ones. Repeatedly over several days. Yep. Lots to say about this one later. Without yelling at each other. For reals!
* Hubby made this statement. “It’s great when we have sex like this after an argument – but I hope you know that doesn’t mean everything is ok. We still have a lot of stuff to fix between us.” WTF?!? Who are you and what have you done with my husband?? Seriously! This isn’t funny anymore!
* The closet door has been left unlatched a few times and has not been removed from the hinges. In fact he never mentioned it even though I know he saw it. And I’ll never tell if I did it on purpose or not!
* My baby boy turned 9! Oh my. My youngest is 9. As they say, it really does go way too fast :(
* My 11 year old and her friends decided they want to be cougars because the 4th grade boys are so cute. Ugh.
* My 13 year old has told me repeatedly that she is doing great in math and has never even once brought home homework to do because she gets it done in study hall and “It’s easy Mom!”. Got a progress report in the mail today. Had their first test last week. She got a 51%. 51!!! So now I get to be the math homework enforcement officer. Hate that job!
* Hubby had a birthday and he opened his gifts with a smile. Very out of character and very much appreciated.
* There is a performance coming up at a nearby college campus that I want to attend. I used to go there all the time. It’s been forever and I’ve been to none of these types of events at all since the panic attacks screwed up my life. It is a huge deal that I am even considering it and I am excited about it! I hope it works out that I can go. It’s next week…
* Surely there is more but midnight is fast approaching and I really want to go catch up on reading Laura’s blog!
This was a (not so) quick summary. I will babble more about all of it soon I am sure.
G’night.
Lower your expectations and you won’t be disappointed.
23 Aug 2011 4 Comments
in Marriage Tags: camping, husband, Marriage is Hard, venting
When the scale is 1-10, and your expectations are a 12 – you’re certainly going to be disappointed right?
Right.
That’s what happened with camping of course.
Kiddos and I had a great time. When hubby got there he was already very ticked at me. I had no idea. He came earlier than expected and had not slept yet. He went to sleep in the tent shortly after he got there and grumped at me. His back was hurting terribly and he was tired. I figured that was his problem. I tried the best I could to ignore him but ended up crying alone in the woods. Ugh. It was such a let down.
I didn’t figure out until the next day that he was pissed at me. It wasn’t until I told him how much I had been looking forward to this trip and what great memories I had from last year that he told me why he was mad. By then the trip was halfway over and I was over it too. I’ll tell that story another day.
I did not want to type this today. I wanted to type out what a great weekend it was and how great we got along. I am so sad that didn’t happen.
When we got home we were exhausted and it was raining. We didn’t unload the van right away because of the rain and we were all very happy to just plop down on the couch and veg out to some “Good Luck Charlie”. Hubby was fast asleep in no time – he had to work 3rd shift that night so he was trying to get some sleep. Kids were staring blankly at the TV and I came to my room and cried. I cried hard – the kind where you can’t catch your breath and you can’t stop sobbing… That was me.
So – I want to type it all out here – and I hope to do that soon. Not sure what I think about it all yet though. And I am writing to him. I am writing a letter to him, telling him all the things I am feeling and want him to know. The things that he never hears because we can’t seem to have a real conversation. He doesn’t care to have that kind of conversation with me. The first night I wrote was Sunday night – the day we got back from camp. He left for work, I put the kids to bed and sat on my bed and wrote. It was like 6 pages when I was done and I still had stuff I wanted to tell him. But I was so very tired.
I added more to that letter tonight. I am going to keep writing to him. I need to get it out. I need him to hear all of this. I want him to know how I feel and how his actions affect me. I want him to know that I am SO done with this and how he is breaking my heart all over again. I write things I want him to know but don’t have the guts to say out loud – to his face.
I don’t know if I will ever give these letters to him. I want to. I really want to. Honestly, maybe he wouldn’t even read them anyway. He would be annoyed because it is already so many pages and it will certainly continue to grow as I get everything off my chest.
We are going to the beach Sept 9th. He isn’t going – at least I don’t think. He does not have enough vacation time so if he went some of those days would be unpaid. That would hurt us. Also, he doesn’t love it as much as we do and is happy to have an out. BUT – last year he wasn’t planning to go either – and then the day before we left we had a huge fight and I told him I didn’t want him to go…. I swear that is why he went last year. I think that scared him actually and he wised up for a short time. We had a pretty good beach vacation after that – you’d swear he was a brand new man… But that is another part of this problem isn’t it??? Why can’t he wise up and stay that way?! It is always short lived. I do think he has good intentions, but he can’t ever seem to hang onto the happiness – the negativity in his brain always takes over again. I am tired. So very tired of all of this. I really don’t want him to go with us this year. I think he really wants to skip it too – so it’ll be great for both of us.
Well I got off topic and really rambled here….
What I wanted to say was that camping was fun with my kids but hubby acted like an ass most of the time. I will tell that story more later but for now I need to be writing to my hubby. I hope I have the nerve to actually give him the letters. I am thinking of giving them to him when we leave for the beach. I’m not trying to play games, that just might be the perfect time though. He would have a whole week to actually read them and digest them. And get pissed at me, and then mellow out a but before we get home…. I dunno. We’ll see how it all works out.
Sadly, I feel like the blog world knows me and understands me so much better than my own husband. That really sucks. Perhaps these letters to him will change that. Or maybe he won’t even read them. He has done that in the past. He said something like – just tell me how you feel – I’m not gonna read a note like I’m in grade school. Or he’ll be irritated that I even want to talk about feelings and relationship stuff with him. I think the man thinks everything is just fine. I think has no idea how hard any of this is for me and how miserable he is to live with. I want him to know! I want him to know what I need and either decide to care about that and at least try – OR LET ME GO. I keep thinking I can stick it out for the kids. He is a good Dad after all. But I don’t think I’m built that way. I keep hoping and trying to make it work. And I keep getting hurt over and over again. I can’t do it. I think the only thing that can save us now is a real attitude adjustment on his part. That’s it. One that lasts.
I don’t know if he needs happy pills, or a different work shift, or a different job, or maybe just to not be with me. I dunno why he is such a miserable person. I can tell you that he has not always been like this – not to this extreme anyway. He needs to figure it out and fix it!
If he refuses to even read my letters, well that speaks volumes now doesn’t it?
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