I said the D word out loud.

I really did.  It was the first time I have ever told him that I have been thinking a lot about divorce.

Ugh.  The dreaded D word.

We promised each other a long time ago that we would never even bring that up – that we would work through stuff.  That we would make it forever.  We meant it.  I meant it.  Well, like I said, that was a long time ago.  About 15 years ago actually.

If you have been here with me for a while, you know that we have been struggling.  I can honestly tell you I didn’t throw it out there recklessly.  I thought and thought about this long and hard.  It has been eating away at me – probably for a good year.  (And life wasn’t all peachy before that)   Just wondering if it would be better.  Wondering if that would be best for both of us.  Screaming it inside while smiling on the outside.

We keep having “talks” which often turn into fights.  I keep telling him that I am not happy.  I didn’t used to do that .  I think I have tried EVERYTHING to make him happy.  Tried the ‘submit to your man even when he is an ass’ stuff.  Tried the ‘ignore your man and live your own life when he is an ass’ stuff.  Tried everything in between.  I read a lot.  I have read tons of books trying to figure out how to fix my marriage.  I have tried and tried and tried.  And now I am tired. So for the last year I have been telling him the things I am not happy about.  I have been telling him how lonely I feel.  How I feel like we are on opposite sides, not working as a team at all on this parenting thing.   It’s me vs. him everyday.  I just kept telling him.  Not daily mind you.  But often.  When I couldn’t stand it anymore.  Our marriage – It isn’t all bad, but it isn’t very good at all either.

So I said the D word out loud.

I said it yesterday.  He was being just rude and wouldn’t even answer me when I talked to him.  I told him I wanted to talk to him without the kids hearing us and would he go for a walk with me?  No.  How about out to the car?  No.  I went away from him for a while.  I came back and said that I wanted to talk to him and it was important.  He said no, he wasn’t going anywhere.  Well this was no conversation to have in front of the kids.  So yes, I got mad and said something to him about how he likes to act like I’m just a fool that he can’t be bothered with but I was serious and I needed to talk to him.  He grumped and groaned and we went to the basement.

The kids probably heard part of the conversation.  Probably near the end of it.  At first the TV was on loud, when I came back upstairs after we talked, they were sitting at the table looking at sale flyers dreaming about Christmas.  Ahh, I wish my dreams were filled with Christmas….

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trish
    Dec 06, 2010 @ 23:05:09

    I feel your pain in all this! This post is so close to how I feel about my marriage. I’ve been married for more like 28 years and have been unhappy for the last 7 – 8 years. I too have read everything, tried everything, but nothing changes for very long. I too am just tired, tired of trying. But I don’t have a job so I continue to stay. I am looking for work but no one wants someone with no experience. I look forward to reading your future posts. Good luck, and may we both find strength, courage, and answers to guide us to the right decisions.

    Reply

  2. toughwords
    Dec 07, 2010 @ 09:05:47

    Hi Trish. Thanks for your comment. Wow – 28 years is awesome! Unhappy for 7-8 years? That is what I dread. What if we can’t fix this? Have you ever gone to counseling? I doubt my hubby would ever agree to it, but it might be my next move if this doesn’t work. Like you said, nothing seems to work for very long. I’d like to be optimistic, but realistic is what I need to be. Thanks for being here with me :)

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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