I wish he would have an affair.

Well that is something I would never say out loud.  And to be honest, I hate how it even looks typed out.

I regretted it as soon as I typed it.  I will leave it though since it is something that has been going through my head.

If he would have an affair:

  • The divorce decision would be easy to make.
  • It would not be my fault.
  • The kids would understand and be mad at him instead of me for tearing apart our family.
  • He would feel guilty and not try to make me leave this house that I love.
    (which we built on his family’s property – now it’s ours, but still surrounded by family.)

This thought first popped into my head when he went to physical therapy.  The therapist is a woman and a bit of a flirt if you ask me.  Instead of hating that he would be spending some time with her, I kind of just calmly thought – well, maybe he’ll have an affair and all my problems will be solved.

Now I am well aware that my problems would not be solved.  I would be in pain.  And so many more issues would be forced into the open.  Our marriage would die and my whole family would hurt.  I do not really wish for it to happen.  And don’t say to me that I do not understand what I am saying.  Don’t tell me that your whole heart gets ripped out and you can’t breathe when you are betrayed by the love of your life.  I know all about it.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trish
    Dec 17, 2010 @ 15:05:28

    I know exactly how you feel! I wished the same thing myself once! I too thought if he would just have an affair then I’d have an excuse to leave, I would have a good enough reason to run back home to my parents’ with my small children in tow. I stayed because I never had the courage and strength to leave and ruin the “perfect family” “perfect marriage” that everyone thought we had.
    I hope you will be stronger than I if your heart tells you to leave.


  2. toughwords
    Dec 17, 2010 @ 23:28:45

    Oh Trish, you sound so down! Have things improved? It’s not too late you know. I’m so sad to know that you have dealt with this for so long and are still not happy. If you want to talk more, email me at zoejordan@live.com.
    Sending hugs your way :)


  3. Judi
    Mar 13, 2012 @ 15:55:18

    I have though this as well, for the same reasons and also….because it would explain so much of his behavior. It would make things make more sense. It is actually easier to stomach the idea that he is mean to me because he is in love with another rather than he loves me and is mean to me anyway!


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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