Sit down and Shut up.

That’s what I think I am supposed to be doing.  It’s so hard!   I don’t wanna!

I want to rant and rave and tell him how horrible he is!
I want to tell hubby how rude and disrespectful is and how he doesn’t deserve me!
I want to plead for him to be who he used to be – the strong caring man that I believed would always be there for me!

I don’t want to be still.  I don’t want to be silent.  I don’t want to wait.

I believe that is God’s plan for me right now though.

Hubby and I spent an unusually quiet evening together on Saturday night.  The kids stayed overnight at Grandmas house.  My plan was to wrap gifts.  I am determined to not spend Christmas eve  in the cold basement all by myself wrapping gifts until way too late like I do every year!  Hubby had agreed to help.  Well I didn’t feel like wrapping gifts.  We had one of our family Christmas parties earlier that day and I was wiped out. Hubby hates to wrap gifts.  Hates it.  So he was happy to skip it.  (I did wrap gifts Sunday morning before the kids came home – so I am not done- but further ahead than I have been in years!)

He logged onto the computer. I poured some wine and turned on the TV.  You’d think we’d use this alone time to talk about our marriage.  Or to have a romantic evening.  Or at least meet in the bedroom – whether it was romantic or not.  Didn’t happen.  Instead, I watched some movie with Lea Thompson in it – she was a stressed out mom who wished for a different life and of course the mall Santa granted her wish.  Hubby eventually joined me in the living room and was quickly snoring in the recliner.  Aren’t we awesome!

Getting to the point…  The quiet, the wine maybe, the loneliness, the Christmas tree glowing… it all got to me.

I prayed and cried quietly for a long time.  I think God’s answer to me is “Be still and know that I am God.”  That verse was loud in my head.  Very loud.  I kept pushing it away and praying more, pouring out my woes to God and asking for him to fix it all.  That’s what I heard.  I think God told me to sit down and shut up.

Now, if I can just figure out how to “BE STILL”….

“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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