I’m a Bundle of Nerves today.

Yuk.  I hate when I feel like this.  I feel ‘on edge’.

And my motivation is zero.  Which is why I am here and not working!

I use Joe’s Goals to track lots of things –
How much coffee I drink
When I go to bed
If I have taken my vitamins today
How many days since my last period
When I take ativan
Exercise
etc.

All of these things are important in helping me manage my anxiety.
And my life.

This is day 20 – since the first day of my last period.  I can scroll back through my log at Joe’s Goals and look at last month.  And there it is.

On day 19 I wrote “Motivation=0.  Need to go to grocery store, but feeling too edgy!  nerves! ugh! Hope I do OK @ Xmas Party tonight :( ”

That helps me because I can see the pattern and I know why I feel so off today.  Blame it on hormones.

At Kid2’s basketball game on Friday I had a mini panic attack in the bleachers.  It caught me off guard since I have been doing so good sitting in those bleaches every week.  I wondered if maybe it was hormone related. It was a little early in the month for that to be an issue but last month my period was 5 days early!  That never happens so I don’t know what’s up with that.  Time will tell I guess.

But there is more to it.  I have not been taking care of myself.  I have been staying up way too late.  I have not been exercising.  And I have been drinking way too much coffee!  I found this awesome pumpkin pie spice creamer from International Delights at Walmart and it was cheap too – I love it.  Definitely too much coffee lately!

Tonight is busy.  We have to pick up hoagies in a big crowded room :)  Then deliver the hoagies.  Then hurry the kids to eat and do homework before Kid2 has basketball practice and kid3 has a basketball game.  This is the first game for kid3 so I’m not sure how that will go.  It is not at the same location as Kid2’s games so it is a new place for me to get used to.  That always causes me some anxiety – even on my good days.  I will take an ativan tonight before all this happens.  If I don’t I may just fake sick to get out of it and I really don’t want to do that.  I want to be there for Kid3’s game.  I really want to crawl back under the covers but as a supportive mom, I want to be there!

I will take some deep breaths.  I will take an ativan :)  I will repeat my bible verse.  I will make it through.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  Philippians 4:13

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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