Why do people hold grudges?

Wow.  I typed that into google and apparently it is a much bigger problem than I realized.  My hubby is KING of the grudges!

Kid1 wants me to take her shopping after school today. She sold ham sandwiches for the band that we need to deliver today also.  Hubby (who has been pretty wonderful lately btw!) offered to deliver them for us so that we could get to the stores earlier and hopefully be back in time for Kid3’s basketball game.  Awesome right?  Then he looked at the order form.  Nope.  Nevermind.  He won’t go to his older sister’s house!  Grrrr….  The whole sweet offer was taken back because he has held a grudge for probably 2 years now!

He won’t go to her house.  The argument that started the whole thing didn’t even involve him.  It irritates me so much!  His parents and this sister had some issues a while ago and at one point his sister or her husband made a comment about them staying down here and they’ll stay up there.  Meaning – don’t come up to our house, and we won’t come to yours. (There are mountains where we live, which is where the up & down came from :)  They have all made up since then and have been at each others houses many times….  hubby on the other hand was so very angry at the way that his sis treated his parents that he decided he would never go to her house either.  And that has stuck.  They talk and everyone gets along just fine.  And we all get together other places.  That’s what makes this even crazier!  So he gets along with them just fine, but still refuses to go to their house.  Stubborn.  That’s all it is.  Stubborn.  And just stupid if you ask me.  What could he possibly be getting out of this???

So I googled it.  Here is what I found (paraphrased).

Reasons:

  • Immaturity
  • Some things are truly unforgivable.
  • Some people are just jerks.
  • Some people are very bitter.
  • Ego.
  • It is a control thing.
  • They are holding the grudge because they haven’t gotten even yet.  Yikes!
  • It’s better than acting on the revenge you feel.
  • We want the other person to apologize or acknowledge they did something wrong.
  • Some people feel like the world is out to get them.  (My Hubby!)
  • They have been hurt by someone they trusted.  A grudge protects them from future hurts by that person.
  • People think that if they let go of the grudge then they are excusing the other person’s actions.

Is it effective?

  • It hurts the person holding the grudge, no one else.  (Well I’ll bet it irritates and maybe even does hurt many spouses out there!)
  • The other person may not even know they upset you.
  • A grudge makes you feel like you are in control – but it is really controlling you.

Some good advice:

  • We need to be mature and try to forgive and be tolerant of others.
  • Don’t judge others unless you are perfect yourself.
  • Try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view and understand what they did.
  • NOBODY is perfect, including the grudge holder!
  • Let go of whatever was done to you and Give it to God!
  • Treat others how you’d like to be treated
  • We all make mistakes.  Forgive and move on!

I found lots of information about this.  The problem is that unless hubby WANTS to rid himself of this grudge there is nothing I can do about it.  I am not in charge of him.

Yes, it infuriates me.  It has been an inconvenience for me many times.  He holds grudges about  lots of things with lots of people.  It’s sad really.  But with his sister it is harder.  We are invited to their house several times a year for birthday parties etc.  They also have a great barn with baby goats and lots of fun stuff the kids love.  He has never even seen their new barn.  Oh he asks the kids MANY questions all about it.  But he won’t go.  I take the kids.  Everyone knows the reason that he is not there.  I used to think it made me look bad too that he wouldn’t come.  Then I decided not to worry about it.  They have known him longer than I have – they know how he is!

All I can do is talk to my kids about it and try to get them to understand that it is not OK to act that way. I try to do that without bad-mouthing their Dad.  Harder said than done.  Now when they ask me why he won’t go somewhere, I tell them they’ll have to ask him.  I used to make excuses for him.  Not because he asked me to.  Not because he cared at all what other people think.  I did it because I didn’t want my kids to know their father would act like that.  They look up to him.  I don’t want them to do the same!  So I talk to them.  And I talk and I talk and I talk.  I think at this point they know that I love their Dad but I disagree with many things he does.  I think that’s a nice way to put it.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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