I just want to be normal. Panic attacks suck.

Dear Lord,

Please help me to relax.  I want to do the things I want to do without fretting about them!  Please help me Lord.  I want to just be normal.  I want to just be able to go do things like I used to.  I want to be able to just stop in at the basketball game cuz someone in the car feels like it.  When one of my kids says “Hey – let’s go out to dinner tonight!”, I don’t want to immediately tense up and start saying a million reasons why we shouldn’t.  They are just excuses.  I need to get over this.  I want to be able to just enjoy life again.

Yes, I am doing so much better than when this all hit me 4 years ago.  SO much better.  I have worked hard and it shows.  There are only 3 people in this world that even know that I deal with panic attacks at all so I guess I’m doing something right.  At least I’m hiding it well.  And I’m involved in so much – other people just don’t see the work and effort it takes for me to go all these places and do all these things.

I want to go to church.  Dear Lord I keep meaning to go to church!  The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I know that.  I’ve heard that a million times – from my mom and also in my own head.  It just takes so much work to get myself pumped up for it.  And then there are so many factors once the decision is made.  Kids coming?  Hubby refusing to come.  Which church?  And when I do make that decision I don’t say it out loud because of what if my anxiety is high in the morning?  What if I need to back out?  So the decision never gets made in the first place.  You know I love you Lord.  You know I am teaching my kids about you and pray that they love you also.   But the guilt is eating away at me.  I want my kids to grow up in Sunday school.  I need to get that started before it is too late!

And the concert.  O my the concert.  That’s what triggered this restlessness I feel today!  I want to go to the concert and just enjoy it!  The thought of standing in that huge crowd, in that long line for hours….  I get overwhelmed just thinking about it.  What if…?   What if ….?  It may be fine.  And Friday may come and I might feel strong and confident.  But it may not.  And the people that are going need a decision.  They need to fill that spot if I’m not going.  I want to go.  But I can’t seem to commit to it.  I will feel guilt and I will be angry at myself for not going.  It will be fine.  Of course it will be fine.  The anticipation of these events is always much worse.  Things always work out better than I expect.  But this is a huge step.  I have not been to something this big since the panic monster attacked me.  Its scary.  It has the potential to set me way back.  That is ridiculous but true.

Panic attacks are a vicious cycle.  The more you have, the harder they are to fight back against.  I have come so far.  I don’t want to have a full blown attack.  It would set me back so far.  It’s the feeling that I’m going to pass out that scares me the most.  Yes that would be embarrassing.  But that isn’t really the part that worries me.  What if my kids are with me?  How can I take care of my kids in a public place if I have passed out?  What if someone takes them?  See, I can’t go back to that place.  If I actually did pass out – and no, I never have from a panic attack, then wow that would be horrible to fight my way back from.

Many things about the future and these stupid panic attacks worry me.  When my kids are older – in just a year or two, I will be sitting thru tons of basketball games in the big bleachers in the school gym.  And that also means many awards assemblies in the hot crowded auditorium.  I HATE hot crowds and bleachers.  Truly I do.  Also, our school is small and there are rumors about it closing down and our kids having to go to a larger school in a nearby town…. Ugh.  Bigger auditoriums, more orientations, even bigger bleachers…. you get the picture.

Do I sit around and worry about these things all the time?  No.  Today they are bubbling out of me.  Tomorrow I will regret having typed them out loud.  I will think – whats the big deal?  I hope I do.  This stuff just all piles up and overwhelms me sometimes.

Like I have said before….  my ways to combat it are sleep, exercise, vitamins, and ativan – to name a few.  My hormones are in overdrive today.  That right there is the main reason.  Ugh.  And sleep.  Yikes.  Way behind.  Our smoke detectors went off at 4am.  There was no fire thank the lord, I think the furnace was just having trouble and must have let out of a puff of smoke or something.  I could not get them to stop beeping and ending up unhooking them all. lol  Then I woke up at 6am with the phone ringing (Hubby’s aunt to tell me kids have a 2 hr delay – really??  wake up the whole house to tell me they can sleep longer????  :)   Temps are below zero.   As soon as I reached my arm out from under the covers to answer the phone I knew something was wrong.  It was freezing!  I think the puff of smoke that set off the smoke detectors was the final puff for the furnace because now it was 54 degress in our house.  Hubby was able to fix it with some additive in the oil tank – apparently it was just too cold and the oil gelled up?  Something like that.  The house is still trying to warm back up – we’re at 63 degrees now.  Yippee!

Paxil.  O my dear Paxil.  It worked SO well, too bad it made me so fat :(  I gained so much weight on that and I can’t go back there.  Diabetes runs in my family, I cannot be overweight like that again.  Maybe since I know that is a side effect now I could manage it better.  I don’t know.  I do know that Paxil cured my anxiety.  I was an outgoing person – more than I had ever been in my life.  I even threw a bridal shower for my sister and gave a speech and everything.  Would NOT have done that before – I have always been shy.  Too bad I hate to even look at those pictures because I hate the way I looked.  I am often tempted to go back to Paxil.  I love the way it worked.  I hate the weight gain – but maybe since I am aware of it now I could control it better?  And I hated the side effects – especially the withdrawal side effects.  omg – they were terrible.  But I just want to feel normal and enjoy life.  I wish I never again had to think about or work hard to avoid a panic attack.  Why can’t it just be easy and why can’t I just relax and enjoy the events in my kids life.  And why can’t I just go to church and shut up about it.

Well I just re-read this and I sound like a nut case.  I feel a little better already :)  See how venting helps.  I think perhaps I should not post this.  But I will anyway.  Maybe there is someone out there having a harder time than I am today.  Maybe this will help them feel like they are not alone.  I would have appreciated finding this online a few years ago when I was just starting to learn about panic / anxiety.  Someone freaking out over panic attacks.  Someone I could relate to.  So enjoy.  Or not.  But this is real today.

It’s Monday.  Bring it on.


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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