He’s making a point.

I’m just not sure what it is.

If you’ve been here before, you know that I asked hubby to move out not too long ago.  Well he didn’t move out and it seemed to work like a kick in the pants for him to actually TRY to save our marriage.  It’s been almost a month since that happened.  Things are a little better.  Not great.  A little better.

He must be thinking about everything this week.  He’s made some comments that surprised me. It’s like he is making a point to let me know that life is better with us together.  Or at least living in the same house.

Example 1 – The furnace died the other night about 4am.  He got home from work just before 8am and was able to fix it.   He was very proud of himself.  And I was too.  And grateful for the heat.  He made a point to tell me how awesome it was that he could fix it.  And said “See, you would have had to call someone to fix it and they would not have gotten here for hours and it would have cost you 100 bucks.”

Now this didn’t hit me right away.  I was getting kids ready for school, brushing hair, finding shoes, etc.  I just said something like Yea, I’m so glad you can fix things…. or something like that to him.  Later it hit me that he was pointing out what I would have had to do if he wasn’t around.  And why it was good that he is still here.

Example 2 – I made a comment about a child we know who is really starting to misbehave and be mean to other kids.  He said.  “Yea.  Because her parents just split.  She’s all messed up.”

OK.  Another point made.

My hubby doesn’t talk a lot about things other than tractors or engines or tools….  So for him to make comments like this really is out of character.

I think its good.  Right?  Hopefully it is good.  Hopefully this has all just sunk in and he wants to remind me why I should want him here?

Or maybe he is beginning to feel resentful about me asking him to leave.  I was surprised that it didn’t just tick him off before.  He handled it much better than I expected.  Maybe now it is starting to bug him.  Maybe now he will get angry and the silent treatment will begin.

I hate that I can’t just see this as a positive.  I wish I just thought “Wow.  He’s happy to be here.  He’s gonna keep trying and work on this marriage with me so we can fix it and be happy.”

I guess I’ll have to just wait and see.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Laura
    Jan 27, 2011 @ 11:59:22

    Hi,

    I stumbled across your blog from the Marriage on the Rocks blog. Thank you for sharing your story. I haven’t had a chance to check out too many of your older posts, but I totally plan to!!!

    Now, please take my comment with a grain of salt. I obviously don’t know you or your situation but let me share my experience and see if it resonates. If not, no harm done right? Or certainly no harm intended.

    My husband is fairly manipulative and emotionally and verbally abusive (although that seems to have calmed down quite a bit since he switched medications but I digress…). When you shared the comment your husband made about the furnace, I had a gut reaction (based on my own circumstances) that told me it wasn’t intended as a nice thing to say. I don’t know your husband, but if my husband said that it would probably mean: you couldn’t make it without me, you couldn’t handle this on your own and you would pay too much to get it taken care of, and I have no faith in your ability to cope in a crisis without me here to handle it. It wouldn’t have meant: Wow I am so glad I was here to help and save us some money. Instead, it would’ve been a recrimination that I was too helpless and I obviously needed him so I better not think of leaving him again or I’ll be sorry later.

    My mind automatically jumped to the conclusion: Hey, he’s trying to undermine her confidence in herself. Now, realize, my mind jumped to that conclusion because that is the life I live. It is not necessarily the same for you. Emotional abusers do use sly little tactics to undermine our belief in ourselves so that we are afraid to leave them.

    Sometimes it helps to have another perspective. I hope I didn’t offend you. I just wanted to point out that emotional abuse is a covert and sly thing and sometimes we don’t see it for what it is. That’s what it would’ve been in my house, and now I seem to view the rest of the world through that filter. That doesn’t mean that’s what it was in your house. It could just be me and my stupid filter ;-)

    Hang in there!

    Reply

  2. toughwords
    Jan 27, 2011 @ 13:50:41

    I hear ya. And that’s why I questioned it. But honestly I’m not sure. Because he was just very happy and proud of himself at that moment. My hubby has no problem saying rude things to me with the nastiness shining bright. He doesn’t bother to camouflage it. That’s why I’m not sure. These two comments he made did not have that nasty tone that I am used to. And he has been much happier and kind lately. So still not sure.

    Not offended at all! Love the feedback :) Obviously I have a similar filter or this wouldn’t even have come up! Welcome.

    Reply

  3. marriageontherocks
    Jan 29, 2011 @ 11:50:27

    Maybe the intent wasn’t mean. Maybe he was really trying to state his “worth” in the relationship and how much he helps you. It’s too bad they (our husbands) don’t realize that it would be easier without them, whether or not you have to make phone calls at 4am for the repair guy…

    Reply

  4. Judi
    Mar 14, 2012 @ 15:08:32

    Have to say this…..if you were divorced, i would hope he would still come over and fix the furnace so his children would have heat!! Just sayin.

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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