I don’t like turning 40.

So I turned 40 this past weekend.  I hate it.

Can you say mid-life crisis?  Am I being dramatic?
Maybe – but I have been a mess lately!

I don’t usually get upset about this kind of stuff.  I have repeated the phrase “You’re as young as you feel.” many times to many people over the years.  But wow – this hit me hard.  I have cried too much about it.  Hubby diagnosed me with a mid-life crisis when I could not explain why I was crying yet again.

If all was well with my marriage I don’t think this would have bothered me. (And I am surprised actually because things are looking up.)   The past 2 years have been HARD.  Very hard in my marriage.  And you all know that in December I finally had enough and made the decision that I didn’t need him or this marriage anymore.  I had no idea how our lives would work out without him.  No idea.  I had no place else to live.  My income is not enough to afford another place to live.  I have 3 kids that I did not want to uproot.  I asked him to move out, hoping he would and knowing that would be a temporary solution because we built our house on his family’s farmland.  If we split, there is no way this would be my home forever, it would be his.

So I just kinda threw it all up the air and took a stand.  And it was freeing.  And scary.  It felt like starting over.  I knew it was gonna be hard.  And a big mess.  But I was ready to face it.  And I would fight for my kids.  I was not leaving them.  No matter what.

Of course it didn’t happen that way.  We are still here together.  We both have a new perspective.  I think he has learned not to take me for granted.  And I have learned to stand up for myself.  And BE MYSELF.  I think that is an even bigger deal than standing up for myself.   If I don’t want to do something, I will say so and not feel guilty about it.  If he ignores me when I talk to him, I will call him on it.  If I think something is funny, I will laugh loudly and not care who thinks I’m weird :)   It has been a lot like starting over.  Some days still suck.  But not all days.  Some days are really nice.  I find myself saying “I love you.” again.  He smiles at me and asks my opinion about things.

The other day he even put a picture of me as the background on his computer.  Now, it was a weird picture.  I asked why he picked that one and he said it made him laugh, like I was scowling at him for being on the computer so long.  Now that’s progress.  We really could not stand each other at all before.

Back to the mid-life crisis – my house is a mess, there is clutter piled on the kitchen counter and in more corners and closets than I care to admit.  I am about 20 pounds overweight.  I still have pimples on my face for heaven’s sakes.  I feel icky.  I work from home and am alone most of the days, some days that gets to me.  We struggle with bills every month.  My kids are excellent back-talkers.  We have needed new carpet for at least 3 years – it is disgusting.

I guess I just thought I would have it all together by now.  And I don’t.  Not even close.  Turning 40 made me take a look at my life.  I am not where I thought I would be.

The Dream:

She’s 40 and Fabulous!  Her house runs like a well-oiled machine.  She gets the cleaning done on a regular schedule and is never behind on laundry.  She is healthy and fit because she jogs 4 miles every morning at dawn.  Her kids and husband worship her and she looks fabulous in her size 6 jeans.  Her skin is flawless and there are no dark circles under her eyes.  She’s president of the PTO and is always ready with a home cooked meal for a neighbor in need…..

Blah, Blah, Blah…..

Well, maybe by 50.   :)

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lisa
    Feb 15, 2011 @ 17:48:41

    I love your post. I turned 40 (29 Ha!)last year, and yeah I guess I had higher expectations also. It didn’t feel as bad as I had anticipated though. I cried more when I turned 30. I am sure it will get better at 50, but if it doesnt then I guess you will have to shoot for 60. LOL!!! Happy Belated Birthday!!!!

    Reply

  2. toughwords
    Feb 16, 2011 @ 12:10:55

    Thank you for the birthday wishes Lisa! Yep, we’ll just keep trying. Hopefully we’ll get it together before 60 … yikes! Good luck with that! ha.

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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