Profound Progress

My good friend Trish (well, my cyber friend :) made a comment on my post a while ago: Happy Hubby Moment – The Window.

She said

“Your statement “Before we both just wanted to win. Now, we want to get along, ” that is profound!!! I think many marriages forget it’s a partnership.  Kudos to you for the progress!”

I have been thinking about that so much.  I wanted to feel proud of us.  I wanted to feel proud of our accomplishment.  I wanted to be proud of ME!  But when I was really being honest with myself, I just felt so sad!

Why?

Because I know that it wasn’t me.  It wasn’t my progress.

What had I done that finally made this marriage start working again?   
I gave up.

Why did me giving up make all the difference?

Why didn’t it fix everything the millions of times I bit my tongue and put on a fake smile just to try to keep the peace?

What about all the relationships books I read and all the things I tried that were “guaranteed” to make him happy?  I tried agreeing with a smile to everything he said.  I tried completely ignoring him.  I tried calmly explaining.  I tried screaming.  I tried crying.  I tried EVERYTHING.

What about when I had sex with him because I knew it would make him happy even though I didn’t feel like it at all?

What about the thousands of times I have “explained” hubby’s actions to our kids so he could keep their respect and admiration?

What about almost every night of my life when I cook dinner for him because I know it is important to him – even though I hate to cook and he was ungrateful & critical and the kids and I would have been happy with a bowl of cereal!?!?!

What about all the events & activities I turned down with friends to watch the kids just so he could have the whole day working on some junk tractor?

What about…….

None of it worked.  It didn’t work until I gave up.

So that line should have read

“Before he just wanted to win. Now, he wants to get along.”

And that sucks.  It means I have no control over it.  I have no say in this marriage working or not.  It’s up to him.

Part of me feels relieved by this.  I will just keep trying to be the best wife I can be (without losing myself) and know that I am doing my part.

Part of me feels angry by this!  Why should he have the control?  How can my actions not matter!?!?  I don’t want our marriage to be at the mercy of his moods!  I hate that.  Makes me feel helpless.

Now in reality I know that my actions do matter.  Some.  Not to the extent that I wish they did.  I wish I could say “Yes, I did X-Y-Z and it worked like a charm!  We’re going to live happily ever after!”  But it doesn’t work that way.  I really wish it did.

So what do I do now?  I pray.  I pray that hubby is for real this time.  And I enjoy my family.  And I hold on and hope that the bumps in the road aren’t too big for us to handle.  And I pray even harder that hubby will appreciate me by his side.  And I do this all with the knowledge that I can walk away if I need to and I will be all right.  And that makes me feel proud.


Advertisements

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trish
    Mar 04, 2011 @ 10:15:26

    I don’t think you’ve given up at all! I think the reason you are seeing progress now is because of all those things you have done in the past!! When I read your post I can tell you are still trying, you are still doing things that show you care about your husband, your marriage. And I think because of what you’ve done in the past, and are still doing, has made an impression on your husband and he is starting to respond to that.

    In my marriage I did many of the same things that you had mentioned doing. The difference is my husband has not responded to it. His thinking, his behavior has not changed. But in your marriage your actions have made a difference – and that is something to be proud of!!!

    Reply

  2. toughwords
    Mar 04, 2011 @ 20:18:20

    I wish you were my neighbor and we could sit & talk over coffee :)

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog Stats

  • 64,715 hits
This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
%d bloggers like this: