Hubby works 3rd Shift – continued.

Continued from Hubby works 3rd Shift.. and I hate it!

Then it started to get to him.  He had missed several of Kid1’s swim meets the 1st summer.  There was usually one on Saturdays that he got to, and then one on Tuesday evenings which he missed.  He hated that.  He is a very involved dad and hates missing that kind of stuff.

(That is one reason I think I hung on so long in this marriage – he is an awesome dad – now if we can keep working on the awesome hubby thing, we’ll be good :)

Then the following summer (last summer) all 3 kids played ball.  Girls in softball, my son in baseball.  Endless practices and several games per week.  And he was missing a lot.  That’s when he changed shifts.  He didn’t want to to go back to 1st.  So he took a 3rd shift job.  His dad had worked that for many years when he was growing up.  He said he had always wanted to try it anyway.  Well for him I guess it seemed to work perfectly.  He would be there for the activities and still be home during the day and just sleep when he felt like sleeping.

It was not perfect for me.  This meant he was ALWAYS around.  The only time he was not home was when I was asleep.  I like alone time.  It refreshes me.  And alone time while you are sleeping does not count!   I went from having to answer to no one to having him there CONSTANTLY.  And it’s not like he was there commanding my every move.  But he was always there.  The evenings were no longer just mine. I had to be a team player again and I missed being in charge!

And he wouldn’t just come home from work and go to sleep.  I think he is just so very nosy he is afraid he is gonna miss something!  Seriously.  Now he has gotten better at this but we had SO many fights about it.  He needs sleep.  Who doesn’t? And if he didn’t get enough of course he was just a grumpy bear.  Most days he would fall asleep on the couch in the living room right in the middle of everything.  I turned into the shushing mom.  Not once did he ever yell at us to be quiet – I’ll  give him credit for that.  Instead I turned into the mean mom – threatening kids to be quiet all day.   Why?  Cuz if he didn’t sleep, I had to deal with the grumpy bear.  Sometimes I would just keep trying to wake him up and get him to move to the bedroom.  I have pictures of him sleeping on the dining room floor.  He would lay down on the floor when he got home (his back hurt and this helps) and just stay there.  We would be going all about our day – neighbor kids coming over, everyone eating lunch, running in and out playing and there he was asleep on the floor right in the middle of it all.  Drove me crazy.  He thought it was awesome.

My point…..  I think our marriage really took a nose-dive when he started 3rd shift.  I was just annoyed at him constantly.  I felt like I had to “work around” him.  He could not be counted on and just really felt like a thorn in my side.  I could not depend on him for help driving kids to practice or to watch other kids while I went somewhere because you never knew when he would finally exhaust himself and have to sleep.  He was grumpy because he was not sleeping enough, but he would never admit it.

Even with all the problems in our marriage, one thing I was always proud of was how much we talked to each other.  That was not happening anymore either.  When he was working first shift, he would come home from work and just want to talk and talk.  He would get so annoyed if I did not stop what I was doing and give him my undivided attention and hear about his day.  I learned to do that for him and it was good for us.

At night we would usually go to bed at the same time and just lay there, touch our feet together and gab and gab.   The feet touching was our thing :).  We kinda lost that when he began working 2nd shift.  I would be asleep before he got home.  But we still often had gab time in the morning before all the kids woke up.

With 3rd, there is no sleeping together.  Just the weekends, but to be honest he often sleeps in his recliner.  He just falls asleep there and I leave him there.  His schedule is still messed up on the weekends.  It would be very hard to be awake all night during the week and go right back to a normal sleeping routines on the weekends.  It just doesn’t happen.  Even when he does sleep with me now he is awake and up by 3am cuz his body just can’t adjust.  And it actually feels weird to share the bed with him now.  We’re both used to having it to ourselves….  that can’t be good for a marriage!

Anyway, I hate 3rd.  I have tried several different approaches to dealing with loud kids and sleeping hubby.
1 – Shush everyone and try to let daddy get some sleep.
2 – Refuse to shush everyone cuz it’s his fault if he chooses to sleep in the living room instead of his quiet bedroom.
3 – Fight with him about it until I wake him up enough to get him to move to the bedroom.

Ugh.  Did I tell you I hate 3rd shift?

Last summer when I FINALLY got him to put the air conditioners in the windows, that helped.  Because then he would go to the bedroom and turn on the air and it would drown out the noise.  That helped my sanity and he caught up on some sleep and got a little nicer.  I dreaded fall because we would not have the great noise-blocker to depend on anymore and he would have no motivation to sleep in the bedroom instead of the couch.  And yep, it happened that way.

He is getting NOTHING done around the house anymore either.  My resentment is just building.  He has no motivation.  I wouldn’t either.  But my problem is that this was his CHOICE.

But – Yippee!  He is finally looking for a new shift to work.  He finally kind of admitted that it would be better for our marriage if he worked a different shift.  Mainly I think he decided to change so he can get his garage built.  He has planned to do that for YEARS.  I mentioned casually that I’ll bet he would actually get it done if he wasn’t on 3rd.  I planted the seed.  Gotta let them think they came up with these ideas themselves you know…. lol.

So I’m praying that a new position on a different shift will become available to him soon!  Oh please Oh please Oh please!


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Judi
    Mar 16, 2012 @ 09:23:41

    “Even with all the problems in our marriage, one thing I was always proud of was how much we talked to each other. ”

    I read this yesterday and it was stuck in my head all night. I am really jealous. One of the huge issues i have is he never talks to me. It makes me so very sad and lonely. I am really glad your husband talks to you and includes you in his life. I mostly feel like an outsider. (in his defense he doesn’t really talk to anyone….very much a loner.)


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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