More on my Anxiety Ridden Week

The awards assemblies were Wednesday and Thursday.  The band concert was Wednesday evening.  The awards at the high school today are for students only, parents are not invited.  Hallelujah.

I made it through.  Sorry for the drama.  I’m apologizing to me.  I can do better.

It was hard at some points, it was easy at some points.  This year was worse than last which makes me mad.  I went to the award assemblies alone.  Hubby was sleeping.  Usually grandparents come, but Grandma is having a lot of pain in her legs and is limping around, so they stayed home.  Alone was fine, I didn’t need to explain my seating choices to anyone.  Or what I am writing in my notebook.  I had my distractions.  I had my camera.  I had my notebook.  Thank the Lord that on Thursday they turned on one of the big fans in the cafeteria.  The band concert was the hottest event of them all.  No air moving through that place at all, but I think I was most peaceful there.  I did not go to this alone.  Hubby and I did divide and conquer though, so he and kid3 were at baseball.  Kid2, her bff and I went to the concert.  Kid1 did great and sweat under those hot stage lights even more than we did in the audience.  I know the school cannot afford air conditioners but geesh.

My worst day this whole week was Monday.  Go figure.  The anticipation of these events hit me so much harder than the actual events did!  That is a big problem for me!  It is often like that.  I totally psych myself out worrying about the “what ifs”.  And often there aren’t any particular “what ifs” in my mind, just dread about the upcoming events.  I don’t know what to do about it.  But I am sick of it.

Monday I freaked out.  I really did.  It was exhausting.  Tuesday I was shaky and felt like I’d been through the wringer.  Just completely wiped out.  I really started to wonder if I was getting sick.  I wasn’t, I was just mentally drained.  I am angry about this because I have been doing so well and up until this week had the attitude of “Bring it on!”.  But it beat me.

I am considering going back on wellbutrin.  I do not want to run to medication.  I want to run away from it but actually, but it is so hard!  This week was so hard!  I have been off of wellbutrin for approx 2 years I think?  I was taking it when I had my first ever panic attack.  At the time I was convinced that it caused it.  I went off & on it twice since then, trying to decide if it was helping me or making it worse.  There are  many other factors that I can blame my first panic attack on.  Most likely it was a combination of many things.  Someday perhaps I’ll gab about that.  I am a regular lurker on a few anxiety forums….  yesterday I found a comment from someone that helped…….

“The wellbutrin gets rid of the obsessive thoughts I have about my anxiety and panic attacks and I take the ativan when I am having an actual panic attack..”

That is EXACTLY what I need.  Exactly.

Wellbutrin is an antidepressant, not an anti-anxiety medication.  It helped me in many ways though and I have been wanting to give it another try.  However, I know that is also kinda increases your energy etc and that CAN increase anxiety.  So I have debated this repeatedly.  I know that Paxil worked best but I refuse.  Paxil made me fat.  I will not go back there.  Wellbutrin MIGHT work for me again.  If I could stop the obsessing in anticipation of things I would definitely enjoy my life more.

It’s hard to try again because there is a risk of increased anxiety.  And the beginning side effects are yucky.  I remember feeling nauseous a lot at first.  Until it gets in your system and your body adjusts.  Yuk.  And it made my hands shake.  I was on the lowest dose and it still made me shake.  My doc told me to skip a pill occasionally when the shaking got too bad.  That did help…  I want to try it but I’m being kinda chicken I guess.  Plus I really don’t want to depend on drugs to be normal!  On the plus side though, I remember being more motivated and focused when I was taking wellbutrin.  I remember noticing the cobwebs in the kitchen corner after I started taking wellbutrin.  Ha!  I had never noticed them before.  It’s like I was more present.  Know what I mean?  And yes, I did lose weight on wellbutrin too.  That was a nice plus…

So I guess I’ll look and see how soon my next Dr appt is and talk to her about it then.  We’ll see.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. thisbrokenhearthashope
    May 30, 2011 @ 22:41:38

    I know that you will make the best decision for yourself regarding the medication. It kind of sounds like you’ve already made the decision. I hope everything gets better soon regardless of how it happens!


  2. toughwords
    May 31, 2011 @ 13:25:55

    Thanks :)


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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