My Life is One Big Contradiction

Things I’ve been thinking lately…

Oh God I hope he doesn’t come to the beach with us this year.

I’m not sitting with him at Kid3’s All-Star games this summer.  I cannot stand how he yells at the games.

What’s the point of spending money on building this porch?  That’s a few months rent for when we split!

I think the van is already in my name only.  Actually I think his car is in my name too.

I need to learn how to (insert many things here) by myself – soon he won’t be here to do it.

O my God we have so much stuff!  What will we do with it all?!

He has no interest in this house.  Why can’t he just leave and make this easy?

He could sleep in the barn with his tractors.  Seriously.

I wish he would just go to bed and quit talking to me!

Why is he being so nice today?  Somethings up.

God help me.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Things I have been doing lately……

Kissing him hello in the morning when he gets home from work.

Kissing him goodbye in the evening when he is leaving for work.

Cooking for him.

Wishing he’d sit on the porch with me in the morning and drink our coffee together like we used to.

Saying ‘I love you.’

Searching for a used hot tub  to put on our soon-to-be-built side porch.

Looking forward to enjoying that hot tub with him!

Planning future trips (camping!) with him.

Enjoying the days he is so nice and feeling hopeful.

Trying hard to get along with him and have a happy home for my kids.

Praying that God will help us through this!


My life is one big contradiction!  Obviously this isn’t over yet.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jill
    Jun 16, 2011 @ 07:14:52

    Are you planning on leaving him or are you working thru old resentments and trying to build a better marriage?


  2. Laura
    Jun 16, 2011 @ 13:21:19

    I can totally relate. I am full of many of the same kinds of contradictions and, frankly, I feel better knowing I’m not alone in this. Thank you for writing a post about it! I wish I had some helpful advice but I don’t. I just take each day as it comes. In the meantime I am trying to pay off debt and get ready for the future…whatever that may be.

    Hang in there!!


  3. toughwords
    Jun 16, 2011 @ 22:17:01

    I wish I knew where we would end up. I really don’t want to give up on us yet but some days it seems like it’s already over. It is so hard. Should it really be this hard?


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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