My “What If” Guy

I think everyone has a “What If” guy.  Or an “If only” guy.

Basically, he is the “one that got away“.

The backup plan.

I liked having him there as my backup plan.  (Even though he is married with 4 kids and completely unavailable!)

A few years ago I had him on my mind constantly.  Yes, I have been married for 17 years :)  I never cheated – well, only in my mind.  I think it was my escape from reality.  I even dreamed about him.  Good dreams!  I had myself convinced that we were meant to be together.  I had great day-dreams about how we might end up together some day.  About how we were meant to be and perhaps we would be very old when we finally reunited but I was convinced it would happen someday.

The thing is… I hadn’t seen him in years when all this started.  It was all a fantasy based on who knows what?  My high school memories of him I guess.

When my son started kindergarten, there he was!  We have sons the same age, in the same class, and of course we kept running into each other.  He is such a happy guy, so he always had a big smile for me.  I was convinced that the smile he gave me meant more than it actually did.  I was sure he felt the same way and was miserably married and dreaming of the day we would finally be together again also.  And we both secretly knew this, without ever having to say a word….. It is amazing where your mind wanders when you are lonely.  And boy was I lonely.  Sure, I was very busy with my kids and often chaotic life, but I was lonely.  My heart was aching.

I started seeing him EVERYWHERE.  Everywhere.  Not just at school anymore.  If I went to the post office, there he was.  The grocery store – yep.  Just driving through town, there he was again.  Always smiling and waving big as we passed each other in our family minivans.  Yes, I do know how pathetic that sounds.  It was horrible.  Some days I couldn’t bring myself to even look at him.  I had so much guilt!  I think God was making me deal with it so I would knock it off.

It helped.  Eventually I did not spend extra time on my hair and makeup just in case I ran into him.  I quit worrying about what I might say to him next time I saw him.  I noticed that he had big smiles for everyone, not just me.  His smiles and kindness and positive attitude about life are what I long for in my marriage!  My hubby frowns more than he smiles and thinks the world is out to get him.  These guys are complete opposites.

“What If” guy’s son is on the same baseball team as my son.  So we have spent a lot of time in the same places for several months now.

What I have realized:  “What if” guy is a happy, positive, smiley guy.  Yes.  And I love that.  But he is also a total goof.  I think that would annoy me tons!  It is perfect for his job as youth pastor.  The kids all love him.  His wife though?  I think she has to be the serious one all the time.   There are degrees of this in all marriages I think.  But it seems very pronounced in their marriage.

I am not “friends” with him on facebook – because anytime I thought of  even sending him a friend request – I felt so guilty.  Which means I should not do it.  BUT his profile is public, so I can still see his wall and pictures.   He has never yet had a normal profile picture.  Seriously.  It is always something completely goofy – like him in a clown wig and fake rotten teeth.  I just looked – right now he has a purple wig, a hat like grandma would knit and give to you on Christmas that you would hate, and a fake mustache that curls up at the ends.  At first I thought this was so awesome – he is so light-hearted and fun.  An easy going guy.  Again, opposite of my hubby and what I have been craving.  I get being silly.  But it has to balance out.  And after talking to his wife at these ballgames, it sounds like it doesn’t balance out so well.  Sure, he does have his grown up side too.  He has a good job and supports his family and loves his kids.

But he is not for me.

(I say that like it was an option.  I know it sounds very egotistical, like I could have had him if I really wanted him.  Well, actually I think I could’ve….  lol… guess I’m not completely ready to give up the fantasy!)

Here goes – I am finally facing it.  I don’t think my “What if” guy is really the guy for me.

There, I said it.  :(

Now I can let him go and get on with my life.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jill
    Jul 10, 2011 @ 08:17:13

    Good girl. You don’t have to love your situation right now, but you do have to accept it, warts, non smiling hubby and all. :) It sounds like you are and I applaud you.
    My marriage was not good for maybe 7 years. During that time I did a lot of dreaming about the one that got away too. But I can see now how that did nothing to help my real life situation.


  2. Laura
    Jul 12, 2011 @ 16:27:21

    Thank you for your honesty. I think that took guts.

    I totally get this. The grass always seems greener but maybe even more so when our current grass appears brown with huge dead patches and filled with weeds, but that doesn’t mean that the grass actually would be greener. I have absolutely engaged in the same sort of daydreaming/”what if” behavior. I’m right there with ya sistah! And like you, I am going to put a stop to it.


  3. toughwords
    Jul 14, 2011 @ 22:57:40

    Thanks Ladies!
    Jill – 7 years is a long time. I would love to hear more about how you worked through it.
    Laura – brown patches & weeds – Great word painting!
    I’d say right now we are working on replanting those brown patches and trying to make the grass green again. Sigh.


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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