Kids, Shopping, Arby’s, Ativan?

OK.  So in a few days I am taking the kids back-to-school shopping.  We will need to stop somewhere for lunch.  Deep breaths.  I’ll think about this later.

……

Tomorrow is the shopping trip.  I need to get to bed early tonight and skip my coffee in the morning.  I better get some exercise in today to get rid of some of these nerves!  Please God, help me be strong tomorrow.  Am I out of ativan?!  Nope.  We’re good.

……

Here we go.  I took my ativan.  I have a list.  Hopefully kids will be happy with drive thru burgers for lunch.  I restocked the ativan in my purse.  Deep breaths.  More deep breaths.  I can do this.  Go.

….

This is how it usually goes for me.  That is the thought process I go through for simple things like shopping trips.  I prepare myself for the panic attacks.  And if I plan ahead well enough, sometimes I can avoid the panic monster.  It is all so unpredictable.  It sucks!  It is often worse than this.  Much worse.  But I trudge on.

TODAY:  We went shopping today.  Me and the 3 kiddos.  Kid3 (8yo son) was a terror by the end of the day.  Ugh.  That’s a different story.

I thought about this day ahead of time.  We looked at sale flyers and made lists.  We had big lists!  I worked extra hours the day before so I could take time off.  I thought about it but did not freak out.  Really, I was thinking “I’m too busy to even think about that now.  I’ll worry about it later.”  Sometimes being too busy helps keep my mind off the “What ifs”.  Sometimes though it puts me over the edge.

Wellbutrin has given me a sort of insomnia lately.   I knew I was going to be to be tired today.  That worried me when I took time to think about it.  I do much better when I’m not sleep deprived.  I did not skip my coffee this morning.  With the lack of sleep, I definitely needed that caffeine.  Caffeine is not good for panic attacks.

Today I took my kids shopping all over town and even to a restaurant.  I did not take any ATIVAN today.  NONE.  Wow.  I thought about it this morning of course.  But I wasn’t feeling particularly anxious.  Usually I would have taken it anyway, knowing that the plan for the day included crowded roads, long stop lights, crowded stores,  and checkout lines.  Today I decided to attempt the day without ativan’s help.  I was nervous about it.  I gave myself a pep talk in my head during the drive there.

My rational was that I could always take the ativan later if the day got too tough.  I made sure to bring it with me.  I figured I’d just tell the kids I needed a break and take them to the park or something while waiting for the ativan to kick in and help me deal with my life….  That felt like a type of safety net for me.  I liked having an out.  So we went.

I am proud to say I made it all day long with no ativan.  We went to many different stores.  We went to Arby’s for lunch and actually went in and sat down to eat.  The kids still feel like that is such a treat.  I avoided any type of restaurant for a few years.  I would do drive thrus but that was it.  And if some place didn’t have a drive thru window, I would go in, sweat it out and order food to go, then we would sit in the parking lot and eat.  The kids didn’t like that and sometimes got irritated with me.  Of course I did not tell them WHY I wanted to do that.  They thought I was just being stupid I guess.  I told them I didn’t feel good.  Or we didn’t have much time and this would be faster.  Or whatever.

Anyway, a whole day of shopping with my babies and no ativan!  We had a great time.  I fully expected to take a detour at some point during the day and decide to take an ativan.  But I never needed to.  There were some hard points.  But I did it!

THANK YOU LORD!

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jill Green
    Aug 05, 2011 @ 07:42:09

    Good job! Take Wellbutrin in the morning if you can

    Reply

  2. toughwords
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 22:37:00

    Thanks Jill. I am supposed to take it twice a day actually. Some days I skip the 2nd dose just so I can get some sleep though!

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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