Lower your expectations and you won’t be disappointed.

When the scale is 1-10, and your expectations are a 12 – you’re certainly going to be disappointed right?

Right.

That’s what happened with camping of course.

Kiddos and I had a great time.  When hubby got there he was already very ticked at me.  I had no idea.  He came earlier than expected and had not slept yet.  He went to sleep in the tent shortly after he got there and grumped at me.  His back was hurting terribly and he was tired.  I figured that was his problem.  I tried the best I could to ignore him but ended up crying alone in the woods.  Ugh.  It was such a let down.

I didn’t figure out until the next day that he was pissed at me.   It wasn’t until I told him how much I had been looking forward to this trip and what great memories I had from last year that he told me why he was mad.  By then the trip was halfway over and I was over it too.  I’ll tell that story another day.

I did not want to type this today.  I wanted to type out what a great weekend it was and how great we got along.  I am so sad that didn’t happen.

When we got home we were exhausted and it was raining.  We didn’t unload the van right away because of the rain and we were all very happy to just plop down on the couch and veg out to some “Good Luck Charlie”.  Hubby was fast asleep in no time – he had to work 3rd shift that night so he was trying to get some sleep.  Kids were staring blankly at the TV and I came to my room and cried.  I cried hard – the kind where you can’t catch your breath and you can’t stop sobbing…    That was me.

So – I want to type it all out here – and I hope to do that soon.  Not sure what I think about it all yet though.  And I am writing to him.  I am writing a letter to him, telling him all the things I am feeling and want him to know.  The things that he never hears because we can’t seem to have a real conversation.  He doesn’t care to have that kind of conversation with me.  The first night I wrote was Sunday night – the day we got back from camp.  He left for work, I put the kids to bed and sat on my bed and wrote.  It was like 6 pages when I was done and I still had stuff I wanted to tell him.  But I was so very tired.

I added more to that letter tonight. I am going to keep writing to him.  I need to get it out.  I need him to hear all of this. I want him to know how I feel and how his actions affect me.  I want him to know that I am SO done with this and how he is breaking my heart all over again.  I write things I want him to know but don’t have the guts to say out loud – to his face.

I don’t know if I will ever give these letters to him.  I want to.  I really want to.  Honestly, maybe he wouldn’t even read them anyway.  He would be annoyed because it is already so many pages and it will certainly continue to grow as I get everything off my chest.

We are going to the beach Sept 9th.  He isn’t going – at least I don’t think.  He does not have enough vacation time so if he went some of those days would be unpaid.  That would hurt us.  Also, he doesn’t love it as much as we do and is happy to have an out.  BUT – last year he wasn’t planning to go either – and then the day before we left we had a huge fight and I told him I didn’t want him to go…. I swear that is why he went last year.  I think that scared him actually and he wised up for a short time.  We had a pretty good beach vacation after that – you’d swear he was a brand new man…  But that is another part of this problem isn’t it???  Why can’t he wise up and stay that way?!  It is always short lived.  I do think he has good intentions, but he can’t ever seem to hang onto the happiness – the negativity in his brain always takes over again.  I am tired.  So very tired of all of this.  I really don’t want him to go with us this year.  I think he really wants to skip it too – so it’ll be great for both of us.

Well I got off topic and really rambled here….

What I wanted to say was that camping was fun with my kids but hubby acted like an ass most of the time.  I will tell that story more later but for now I need to be writing to my hubby.  I hope I have the nerve to actually give him the letters.  I am thinking of giving them to him when we leave for the beach.  I’m not trying to play games, that just might be the perfect time though.  He would have a whole week to actually read them and digest them.  And get pissed at me, and then mellow out a but before we get home….  I dunno.  We’ll see how it all works out.

Sadly, I feel like the blog world knows me and understands me so much better than my own husband.  That really sucks.  Perhaps these letters to him will change that.  Or maybe he won’t even read them.  He has done that in the past.  He said something like – just tell me how you feel – I’m not gonna read a note like I’m in grade school.  Or he’ll be irritated that I even want to talk about feelings and relationship stuff with him.  I think the man thinks everything is just fine.  I think has no idea how hard any of this is for me and how miserable he is to live with.  I want him to know!  I want him to know what I need and either decide to care about that and at least try – OR LET ME GO. I keep thinking I can stick it out for the kids.  He is a good Dad after all.  But I don’t think I’m built that way.  I keep hoping and trying to make it work.  And I keep getting hurt over and over again.  I can’t do it.  I think the only thing that can save us now is a real attitude adjustment on his part.   That’s it.  One that lasts.

I don’t know if he needs happy pills, or a different work shift, or a different job, or maybe just to not be with me.  I dunno why he is such a miserable person.  I can tell you that he has not always been like this – not to this extreme anyway.  He needs to figure it out and fix it!

If he refuses to even read my letters, well that speaks volumes now doesn’t it?

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jill Green
    Aug 23, 2011 @ 13:50:07

    Regardless of what he has said about not wanting to read, it will be good for you to get it all out on paper. If you want, you could write 100 pages and then sort of edit it to get across your main points. You want him to know how you feel, but at the same time, you don’t want to overwhelm him. I have found that my husband can’t really process as much info as I may throw at him.
    In the mean time,, I notice you are engaging in a lot of projection about the outcome – and it hasn’t even happened yet. I know you are tired and sad, but try to go easy on yourself. Hope you feel better soon – you will get thru this. xx

    Reply

  2. Trish
    Aug 23, 2011 @ 16:06:51

    I do agree you need to write it all out for your own therapy. Maybe what you should give him to read is something like a spreadsheet: in one column list what he does to upset you, in second column write how it affects you/family, in third column write how to change the behavior. Sometimes laying it out like that relates better to the male brain. Good luck, and stay strong!

    Reply

  3. Laura
    Aug 23, 2011 @ 17:03:39

    I’m sorry you didn’t have the fun time you were hoping for after he arrived. I agree with the other commenters above, you need to write it out. I think it will at least help to cleanse yourself of the emotions and bring you some relief. Whether you give it to him or not, that’s up to you. It’s sad to say, but I often wonder if our partners behave this way because they don’t care. If they cared, how in the holy heck could this kind of behavior happen? Or is this just another Mars/Venus difference that I don’t understand?

    I think if you do give your husband a letter to read you might want to hone it down to just a couple of pages. I think if you risk information overload then you risk losing his attention to the importance of what you’re saying. As hard as it feels sometimes, I’ve realized that more often than not you can get your point across clearer with less (not that I follow this particular advice on my blog – LOL!).

    Also, I think the male brain is more simplistic with processing emotions (not intended as an insult at all, just a difference I’ve noticed). Whereas we women might want all the details and background data in the world, I bet you could get your point across to him in a bullet points list. Then if he is open to discussion, THEN you go into the background details. Otherwise, if you give him a lengthy, deep and heartfelt letter and he rejects it outright, it might feel like a rejection of yourself. I’m rambling. Anyway, I think you see what I’m saying. Take what you like and discard the rest. ;-)

    Good luck. I am so sorry. If it’s any consolation, since misery loves company, I’m getting ready for a new post of my own. Blogging is cathartic, I’ve found.

    Also thank you so much for your supportive comments. They mean more to me than you know.

    Girl power!!

    Reply

  4. toughwords
    Aug 24, 2011 @ 23:31:45

    You ladies are so very right. Thanks for reminding me of this – I’m thinking a bulleted list would work well… lol I do think I will continue to write to him, but then pick out my main points and try to get it down to one page. I honestly don’t know if he cares or not at this point. I just wish I knew one way or another. The main point I want to make to him is “Be nice – or get out” Too bad it’s just not that simple though. Funny how I could very easily write 10 pages telling him that! Thanks so much for your comments. I truly appreciate you guys!

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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