Completely Unpredictable

I think I’m nuts.  I take that back – I know I’m nuts.  Hormones suck.  This is my PMS week and I am no longer feeling angry at my hubby, I am feeling sad because “he’s not that into me”.  I am feeling like he is slipping away and I don’t want to lose him.

Last week I wanted to boot him out the door.

Maybe I am more to blame in the relationship than I thought.  Maybe my emotional swings just make it too hard for him.  Well, no – cuz I truly keep it to myself most of the time.  I might be a bit irritable this week, but I am not gushing to him that I’m afraid of losing him.   That all stays in my brain and torments me.  So I type it out here :)

Our household seems “normal” right now though.  Hubby & I have been laughing together.  He has enthusiastically talked about his day with me.  He has been kind and patient with the kids. He has bothered to say good bye when he is going somewhere.  He is acknowledging me more than he has in quite a while.  He supported me when I made my son go to bed early.  He grounded our son from the 4-wheeler for riding too wildly.  He is present.  We are a team.

What gives??

He has NEVER grounded kid3 from 4-wheeler before – it is always just me having a fit and worrying about him getting hurt.  He usually rolls his eyes and acts like I am being way too over-protective.  When I tell kid3 “slow down or park it”, hubby usually just goes away with disgust like I am a terrible joy killer.  So this was big.

And usually when I give kid3 an earlier bedtime hubby over-rides my decision – or at least he tries to – and I have to defend and justify that decision.  It is exhausting.  I hate having to fight for every little bit of authority I have in this house.

He has been sharing bits of his day with me again.  He used to gab and gab at me when he got home from work.  That hasn’t happened in a while.

So these are good things of course.  But aaagggghhhhh.

Completely unpredictable.

I seriously sometimes think I must be nuts.  Things are fine at our house right now.  Better than fine actually.  Could it have really been so bad a week ago that I was ready to throw in the towel?  How can that be?  And now I am worried about losing him??  All is well for a for a few days and I immediately switch to worrying about losing him instead of wanting to tell him to get out?  Like I said hormones suck.  But is that just a cop out?  Maybe there is more to it than that.  Maybe some of this misery is all in my head.  He seems to think everything is fine in our marriage anyway.  Well I know that is not true…. So maybe HIS hormones are out of whack?

Obviously I have no idea and this whole post probably makes little sense.  But it just amazes me how our relationship makes such drastic swings, and so quickly.  That seems to be our pattern.  What is wrong with me?   Can I please just go back to bed?

This was basically just a brain dump I guess that I should never publish.  lol  But I will anyway cuz that’s what this blog is – me trying to figure it out.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Laura
    Aug 31, 2011 @ 12:29:05

    The calm moments in the midst of the storm are what confound me the most. It’s erratic and confusing and makes you feel like the crazy one. One minute he is behaving like a tantruming child and the next he deigns to treat you with kindness. The thing is, the marriage should be MOSTLY made up of these good moments. This is the dance that makes it so hard to discern the situation clearly, I totally understand the desire to try and figure it out. Heck, that’s my whole blog too.

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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