Finding Prince Charming

We flew kites on the beach this evening.  I had to be the “dad” since hubby wasn’t here.  I helped Kid3 put his kite together.  I crawled up onto the deck and through the dunes to retrieve his kite when it nosedived onto one of the ocean front homes.  I wound up miles of string and untangled the kite tail. I helped Kid3 catch the crabs – well at least I held the bucket.

I may have done some of those things if hubby had been here – but probably not.  Those are things that hubby would typically do with kid3.  I didn’t mind.  And I even impressed myself when retrieving that kite.  But it hit me that this is how it could end up.  Me as a single parent.  It hit even harder when we all watched the moon rise up over the ocean…. what a romantic moment.  And I was alone.  My 2 sisters were there with their hubbies.  My Dad & step-mom were there.  The kids were all running around trying to catch crabs.  And I stood alone.

I’m not saying I couldn’t do these things.  And I’m not really afraid to be alone.  But this whole time I have been thinking things like “I want to be with a guy who respects me.”  “I want to be married to someone that does not yell and can talk things out.”   I have thought about my marriage ending – I haven’t really thought about being alone though.  Or lonely.  In my mind, I find prince charming.  The thing is though – it may take a while to find prince charming.  I may have already found him and messed it up royally.  I may never find him.  I need to be ok with that.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Laura
    Sep 19, 2011 @ 16:13:36

    It may be better to be alone than it is to be lonely in a marriage. At least that’s what I’ve found. Being lonely when you’re with someone is a whole new kind of pain that I never expected to have to experience.

    You are already strong. I think you can handle whatever comes your way in whatever form that may take.

    Reply

  2. Trish
    Sep 19, 2011 @ 17:07:02

    I go back and forth with this all the time: Is it better to be lonely and mostly unhappy in a marriage where there is financial security or is it better to be alone but tension-free with the possibility of finding happiness?

    Reply

  3. Beth
    Sep 19, 2011 @ 23:33:07

    I wish i knew the answer to this too.

    Reply

  4. toughwords
    Sep 20, 2011 @ 21:28:10

    I really don’t know. Laura – certainly in some cases it would be better to be alone. Definitely. I know you have dealt with a lot already. Trish – Is it only the financial reasons that keep you there or are there still some happy moments in your marriage too?
    It is so hard and every situation is so unique. For me, I am still hoping and hanging on. We have still have happy moments. More now than we did a year or 2 ago – so that give me hope. I wish us all happiness! We deserve it ladies:)

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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