A Mushy, Talky, Lovey, Goody Two-Shoes Guy

Pretty much right after I posted that I was proud of him, I wasn’t anymore.

Friday evening he took kids 2&3 shopping.  I stayed home to chauffeur Kid1 to the football game.  When they got home and we were all unloading/unpacking groceries, he flipped the switch back to asshole.

Short version of the story:  I never latch the closet door in the bathroom.  I close it, but I don’t latch it.  That (of all things!) drives him crazy.  He put the TP away in that closet and came out screaming that he’s done telling us and if he finds that door unlatched ONE MORE TIME, he is going to remove the door from the hinges.  He was loud, harsh, so very angry.  Hatred & disgust in his voice.  I felt attacked.  I stared at him in disbelief.    He just changed the whole evening.  He ruined it.  I said “You are threatening me?!?!  About a closet door?!!  I dare you to remove it!!  Seeing the plunger and the messy closet is much better than seeing the door unlatched in the bathroom isn’t it?!?!”  And it was on.  We said some very lovely things to each other.

And then my sister showed up with her 4 kids that we were watching for the weekend.  Aaagghh.  Time to put on the fake happy faces.

Later that evening when the kids were all mesmerized by the Justin Beiber movie, hubby & I talked in another room.  He said that he cannot believe I yelled at him for saying that about the door.  He said I never listen to him and he has had enough.  (Say what?!)  I said of course I yelled back – he was attacking me!  He said “What?!”  He was truly surprised that I felt attacked.  Of course he acted like I was nuts to feel that way.  He said he did not yell.  He said yes he was loud but he was not yelling at me or attacking me.  HUH???  I have said it before and I’m saying it again.  The man has NO CLUE how loud he is.  I really think he must be losing his hearing!  What other reason would there be to explain the fact that he is SO stinkin’ loud and doesn’t think he is at all?!?

really loud voice with a nasty tone = yelling at me

That’s how I hear it.  That’s how the world hears it dear hubby.  Anyway, we disagreed about quite a few more things and it wasn’t a fun conversation.  We talked about how he could have told me about the door without attacking me or threatening to remove the door – like I was a rebellious teen or something!  He started talking in a very sarcastic voice saying all the things that a rational person would say if he were telling his family how much it bugs him when they don’t latch the door.  He was making fun.  To me the words were exactly right though!  Why can’t he have a normal conversation?  That’s not being girly, that’s being a respectful person!

I said again that we really need to go to counseling so we can fix this marriage.  We really need help communicating!  He said no.  Again.  That made me feel like there is no hope.

He said “I am never gonna be the mushy, talky, lovey, goody two-shoes guy that you want.”   We got interrupted at this point by some little people who wanted more popcorn.  Then we continued.  I said “Well that is a problem because that is what I want.  At least the talky, lovey part.”   We talked some more about this.  Much later in the conversation he said “You have to let me get back to that on my own.”  I said “And in the mean time?”  He said “I dunno.”  I said “It needs to be important enough to you for you to put me at the top of your list and make it a priority.” 

He sees being kind and loving as being a goody two-shoes.  He is all about being a rough & tough guy – so that is an image that he will avoid like the plague.  BUT being kind and talking to your wife about real things does not make you a sissy.  It makes you continue to have a wife!

That’s kind of how we left it and he hid in the shed (AKA garage) for most of the weekend.  Only stopping in the house to eat & sleep really.

When the nieces & nephew left Sunday afternoon, hubby emerged from the shed.  He was fine.  He was kind.  He was good.  He worked on getting the hot tub set up on the new porch.  We all hung out like a normal happy family.  It was nice.

So where do we go from here?  He says we can work these things out on our own.  OK.  How?  Just waiting it out is not working.  No, we have stuff we truly need to work on,  It will not just fix itself.  We need to bring up issues and find ways to deal with them.  He will hate it if I start doing that.  He will retreat.  Not sure that matters really.  He needs to face it and deal with this crap so we can get better and get going.

I am tempted to print out my post about “Crying on Christmas” and give it to him.  May have to change some wording first so that it only looks like a journal entry, not a blog post :)  Why that one?  Well I want him to “get” this.  I want him to understand how I am feeling for once.  The blog world hears all about how I feel.  He doesn’t.  He probably has no idea that I felt that way that day.  That was a really bad day for me.  Christmas will be here again before we know it.  If he ruins one more Christmas for me….   ugh.  I keep thinking that if just read this blog that he would understand me SO much better.  Obviously I am not gonna direct him to this site.  So perhaps sharing a few entries like that one with him will help him to understand all of this.  I don’t know.  Not sure if that is a good idea or not.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. laura
    Sep 26, 2011 @ 18:47:15

    Oh my goodness. I have had a similar discussion with my husband who swears he is not yelling, I just take it wrong. When you are speaking to me loudly in an angry tone of voice it is yelling!
    Also, get this: instead of being a goody two shoes, my husband’s term is “Ned Flanders.” He tells me how he is not going to be a Ned Flanders (a bit of a goody two shoes charachter from the Simpsons t.v. show in case you are not familiar). My husband also prizes his masculinity above all and loathes being seen as a sissy. I don’t think it means you are a sissy if you are kind and compassionate to the feelings of others, but he sure seems to think that. Anyway, I am blathering on just to tell you: I CAN TOTALLY RELATE TO THIS OMG I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME!?!? I don’t know if that necessarily helps, but sometimes it’s nice to know you’re not alone.

    Hang in there. I truly hope things get better for you. As for whether or not to show him what you’ve written, what do you think his likely reaction would be? Would he be understanding? Or would it just piss him off?

    Reply

  2. toughwords
    Sep 26, 2011 @ 22:27:01

    Well it might piss him off. Or it might help him to see this whole mess for what it is – REAL. I really don’t know. I’m not afraid to piss him off though. I really don’t care about that anymore. Something’s got to give. Good or bad – we need a change.
    I told him I was gonna set up video cameras around the house so he could see how horrible he sounds. I have not done that yet. But I think that would prove the point for sure – he yells a lot. It would surely be on tape within the first hour. lol

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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