Beating a Dead Horse

I don’t mean to beat a dead horse but I’m going to talk about this again….

I’m still contemplating printing out my post called ‘Crying on Christmas‘ and giving it to hubby.

I have already edited it to be a journal entry instead of a blog post.  It is ready to print.

Today we were once again talking about stuff and I told him I really wanted to show that to him because that day was a turning point for me and I really just want him to understand how these last 2 years have affected me.  He said OK.  I told him that I wasn’t changing it or anything so “it is what it is”.  This is true in that I have not changed the content of that post – just the audience :)

I am not trying to stir up trouble.  I’m not.  I just think that day was my breaking point.  That was the day I finally made the decision and took a stand.  I will never forget that day.  I will never forget how hard it was to tell him I wanted out.  It was so hard because I never wanted to give up on my marriage.  I never wanted to be divorced and I had always vowed that if I got married it would be forever no matter what.  When your parents go through a nasty divorce, you think about these things.  My sisters and I talked about this a lot when we were younger.  We were gonna do it right and never give up.  Well….  I’m sure no one goes into a marriage thinking “Eh.  If I’m divorced in a few years, Oh well. ”  No, people are in it for real. It just doesn’t always turn out that way.

Before this year I never understood how people could get to that point.  The point where they are ready to give up, be done, and move on.  I admit I judged those people.  I thought I was better than them.  I’m not.  I threw in the towel.  Hubby is just bull-headed and didn’t cooperate.  Otherwise we would be separated right now.  I don’t know if we would be divorced or not.  Who knows.

That’s why we waited 4 years before we had kids.  I had always told him I wasn’t going to have kids until we were married for 5 years.  My logic there was that by then we’d know if we were going to make it or not.  Yes, I’m serious.  I would not even consider having kids before then.  I am a child of divorce.  It sucked.  I vowed I would never put my kids through that.  He wasn’t thrilled, and often tried to convince me that wasn’t necessary.  But I held out.  Well, until year 4 at least :)  I felt confident that we were OK by then I guess.

Just like that story says….  “We never wanted to get divorced at the same time!”   That seems to have played out here.  Did I want to be divorced?  Of course not.  I just didn’t want to live with him anymore.  Sometimes I think the thought of being divorced bothered me more than being without him!

You know what he said when I told him that I was going to print that out for him to read?

“Boy, I must have really been terrible.”

I said “You were.  That was the day I decided I wanted a divorce.  Well, I didn’t really want  a divorce, I just didn’t want to live with you anymore.”

He said “OK.  Do you have it?”  I said “No, I’ll print it out later.”

So I’m going to do it.  I really am this time :)


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jenera
    Oct 19, 2011 @ 17:36:59

    I would say that having him read it may be terribly hard for both of you-for him seeing how he was acting and for you for being open and honest. But with the level of communication it seems you’ve been having lately, you might as well get it out there now. It may lead to a proverbial knock down drag out where you yell and cry and scream. But on the other side may be a good thing.


  2. Anonymous
    Oct 19, 2011 @ 22:16:44

    Sorry, I was reading your Crying at Christmas piece and mistakenly left my comment there.


  3. Zoe
    Oct 19, 2011 @ 22:57:56

    You guys may be right. I may regret it. It’s been bugging me long enough though – I just need to do it and whatever happens, happens. For too long I have been “careful” about what I said to him and I walked around on egg shells. Nope, I’m done with that. I don’t ever want to be afraid to tell him stuff like this. He needs to ‘get it’ if our marriage is gonna work for the long haul. It’s printed out and waiting for a good moment. Which basically means that no kids are home and he is awake. Wish me luck.


  4. Trackback: Fighting or Pretending?? « Mom in Reality

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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