I’m Not Selfish, I’m Cheap.

Hubby thinks I am selfish.  No, he did not come right out and say those words.  But several times this week I’ve felt the need to defend myself and declare that I am not selfish.

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

.

So I started to think about it.  Yes, I suppose I do some selfish things.  I don’t think of myself as a selfish person though.  Not in an unhealthy or detrimental way.

I have been checking my blood sugar again lately.  I decided to switch to sugar-free creamer.  Hubby used it one morning and I said he should use the other stuff, not the sugar-free stuff since it costs so much more.  He acted like I was the devil woman because if it was good enough for me, why not him?  Well, you don’t have blood sugar issues.  Well wouldn’t it still be good for me to cut back on sugar?  Umm, ok.  I guess.  But we have 2 big yummy flavors of regular creamer in the fridge.  Can he at least use that until it is gone?  He huffed.

Does that make me selfish?  No, I think it makes me cheap.  I hated to spend the extra money on the sugar free creamer in the first place.  I decided it was the right thing to do for my health.  I would use it sparingly and make it last.  Well that went out the window when he decided to use it too.  He is a “use it up” kinda guy when it comes to food especially.  And I can tell you right now that if we go through the sugar-free stuff as quickly as the regular, I will just quit buying it altogether cuz I won’t be able to justify the cost.  So no – not selfish, cheap.  (And he isn’t harmed by regular sugar-included creamer anyway so it’s not like I was treating myself better than I was treating him!)

I have a chocolate stash in my desk.  I do not like to share it.  It’s yummy dark chocolate.  It’s a special treat also.  They all know about my stash and I’m sure they sneak some :)  But it’s common knowledge that I am not gonna get it out and serve it to everyone in the house for a snack or desert.   Why?  Well it’s mine.  Aren’t I allowed to have something that is just mine?  It’s the expensive kind.  I make it last, I savor it.  The rest of my family prefers milk chocolate to dark chocolate.  So why would I give them my expensive stash when they don’t really love that kind anyway?  Sure, they’d eat it.  But they wouldn’t love it.  I love it.  So yea, I guess I don’t want it wasted on people who will not appreciate it.  Hmm.  That sounds selfish.  But then if I had a million bucks, I wouldn’t care if they ate all my special stash would I?  See I’m not selfish, I’m just cheap.

What else?  Oh –  my toothpaste :)  Yep.  I’m on a mission to whiten my teeth.  I drink way too much coffee & tea & red wine.  It shows on my teeth.  I have tried white strips and frankly they just make me gag and I never follow through with it.  I have not had the professional whitening done at the dentist office mainly because I hate being trapped in that chair. (Thank you panic attacks for my yellowed teeth!)  And because I’m too cheap.  Ha!  So I just bought the new Colgate Optic White toothpaste.  It says it works as well as the strips and you can see results in a week.  Well it’s only been 2 days so we’ll see.  BUT I did not put the toothpaste on the bathroom counter with the rest of the toothpaste.  Why?  Cuz it’s expensive!  Cuz I am always scrubbing globs of toothpaste out of the sink.  Cuz I know that most of the toothpaste my kids put on their toothbrushes ends up in the sink in big globs and never even makes it into their mouths.  See that’s wasteful!  This new Colgate has a pretty strong taste and they probably wouldn’t like it anyway.  And I do plan to put it on the counter so that I remember to use it.  But I wanted a chance to tell them all about it and how it is a different kind and what it is for before I put it out there.  Hubby saw me using it and questioned me about it.  He made some snide remark about me having my own special tooth paste blah blah blah.  Selfish?  Maybe.  Cheap.  Yes.

Kid1 & I have been walking after school.  Some days she goes to the library for math tutoring so she doesn’t get home until later.  We still walk before supper, which means supper is later.  We did try to eat first just to keep with our usual routine, but we were not motivated AT ALL to walk after dinner and then we would get busy with homework, dishes etc and our walks would get pushed aside.  Kid1 was thrilled.  I was not.  So that’s why we changed it.  Yes, dear Hubby who values meal time more than any person I know, your dinner will be later than usual on math tutoring days.  And maybe even some other days as I try to go with the flow and still get our exercise in.  He was not thrilled about this.  Our whole schedule has to change so you can walk?  I told him if he didn’t want supper to be later, he could cook for us those nights.  Right??  Sounded good to me.  That hasn’t happened yet.  But I stood up for what I know is important to my daughter’s (& my) health.  He does know the plan with these walks, and he supports it, but was miffed when it interfered with his evening.  Ugh.  Selfish?  Not. At. All.  Him? Yes.  He’ll get over it.

Yesterday I was having a horrible heat flash.  I opened the back door and stood against the screen while flipping through a cookbook for a crockpot recipe.  I’ll bet I had only been there 20-30 seconds when hubby objected and gruffly told me to go outside.  We got into this whole argument about how I should be considerate to the rest of them and not freeze them out.  AND I was costing us money cuz the furnace is gonna have to run and heat the place back up.  So he says I should just step outside when I need to.  Well fine.  And I often do that.  But does he have any idea how often I have heat flashes?  Some days I would be out on the porch more than in the house!  And excuse me?  I am BOILING over here….  He wants me to have some consideration?  So everyone else gets consideration BUT me?  He can put a sweatshirt on.  I am already stripped down to my tank top. So does this mean I’m selfish?  No, I think it means he is even cheaper than me cuz he is more worried about the heating bill than his over-heated wife :)

(He came out once while I was on the porch yesterday and asked me what I was doing.  I said “Praying that God will curse you with hot flashes too.”  Hee Hee.)

Wow this is a whole lot of rationalizing to convince myself I’m not selfish.

I do not think it is wrong for me to be kind to me, and to do & have some things that I want – just for me.  This is kind of a new area for me.  I have done more of this type of stuff since I got a backbone and decided to be ME and stand up for myself in this family. I am worth it.  So yea, I am taking care of me.  I still take care of everyone else in this family too. That hasn’t changed. Perhaps they have been inconvenienced a time or two.  So what.  Learning that life does not always revolve around them is a good lesson.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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