I was happy to be caught off guard.

Today was parent visitation day at school.  We all know how I love parent visitation day.  :)

This week has been so hectic.  SO hectic.  I knew it was coming up.  I thought parent visitation day was next week tnough.  Nope, next week is parent-teacher conferences.  Parent visitation day is TODAY.

I figured this out last night when going over my kids homework about 8pm.  The teachers had sent home class schedules telling us when we were allowed to come.

Ummmm.  NOoooo.  It can’t be tomorrow.  I’m not ready.  I have not had time to prepare for this!!!!

Well maybe that was a good thing.  I hid my fear, got everyone off to bed, ran the dishwasher, picked up the house, did all the things I do before I go to bed each night.  Then I sat down to watch the Duggars on DVR.  I wouldn’t even let myself think about it. I went to bed around 11:30, just telling myself I’d figure it out in the AM.

That worked pretty well except I woke up at 6am worried about what time I was supposed to be  there.

I was late getting in the shower this morning and I had to really hurry to get out the door on time.  I got all ready, grabbed their schedules and my water bottle and left.  After I parked……  After I parked is when I finally let myself slow down and think about it.  In the car, I reread my old posts about Parent Visitation Day last year on my ipod.  I took some deep breaths, I had already taken ativan that morning to calm my shakes, I prayed.  I laid my head back on the head rest and just relaxed for a few moments.

Then I walked into the school.  I was fine.  I signed in and went to Kid3’s classroom.  It was too hot in that room and I immediately hated it.  I found a chair and pulled it up to his desk. He smiled.  They were doing math and adding large numbers using little hundred, tens, ones blocks.  As soon as I sat down I felt red-faced.  I felt the dizziness coming.  I looked down.  I got my purse and dug for a cough drop. (I already had one in my mouth cuz I still have my nasty cold.)  I found my little notebook and pen.  I almost left.  I was very worried because the panic moment was not passing.  If it doesn’t pass, it will turn into the panic monster.  I did NOT want to pass out!  I was very worried I was going to.  I kept putting my head down like I was looking in my purse on the floor.  I wrote in my notebook.  “Thank you Lord, I just want to Thank you Lord for blocks of ten.”  I just kept looking around and writing whatever I saw in that part of the song.  I was SO VERY close to telling kid3 I’m sorry, I’m sick, I have to leave!  But I didn’t.  I’m glad I didn’t.

It finally passed.  Thank God the panic moment passed.

And then I was fine.  He worked on some math problems, he played a math game with his group, and then it was time for me to go to Kid2’s classroom.

Since kid2 was finished with whatever project the rest of the class was working  on, her teacher asked her to start putting the stuff up on the bulletin board in the hall.  As kids finished their drawings/essays/paper people, they brought it out to her and she stapled it up.  I helped.  It was a nice change.  The panic monster was no where in site.  After that she had math and we all sat in a very crowded room with the teacher loudly in control of her large class.  But it was ok.  I was good.  I stayed through math even though kid2 informed me that I could leave.  lol  (She’s almost one of those unruly teenagers!!)

Then it was time for me to go and I was practically giddy that it was over.  I did it.  There was less drama than last year because I was too busy and it crept up on me.  I felt completely unprepared to face this today.  But I did it anyway.  Good.  Done.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jill
    Nov 10, 2011 @ 14:32:04

    That’s the hardest moment- that split second right before the panic attack where every bone in your body is telling you to RUN. I *hate* it. So so glad for you that you stayed, and that you turned your moment of terror into a prayer… Believe it or not, I just did parent teacher conferences today too! I’m exhausted and going to lie down. So proud of you- so nice that it crept up on you like that. No time to mull and fret over it. Awesome job, Zoe!

    Reply

  2. Laura
    Nov 10, 2011 @ 14:49:53

    Way to conquer!!!

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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