O Holy Night was my favorite tonight.

Christmas concert – 7pm

call Grammy to tell her – she’s not home now

supper – pork chops, potatoes, etc – eat by 5 so have time for hw, get ready etc

tulsi tea!!

ativan – take 1 around 2 or 3?

and another by 5:30pm – how early does she have to be there?!

————————————————-

The concert is over.  I am relieved.

Those were my notes from today.  It helps me to write it out so I can see the schedule.  And yes today I was feeling the ativan.  So I planned when to take it.  I rarely take 2.  I didn’t need to take 2.  I’m kinda mad at myself that I did.  I just wanted to enjoy it so badly!  I wanted tonight to be a success for me in this fight against panic attacks.  And at the same time I was sick to death of even thinking about it.  I wanted to be numb to it.

It worked.  I felt like a normal person sitting there.  I still wrote in my notebook.  I still played with my camera more than necessary.  And it was still hot in there.  But I was good.

I even looked around the auditorium and told  my kids stories about once upon a time when I went to high school there.  It was nice.  A few heat flashes here & there but nothing too scary.

I wish I would have fought harder.  I wish I had been more determined today to do it without ativan.  I didn’t have that in me today.  I needed this to be an easy night.  I’m not quitting.  I just took a break tonight and will resume the fight when I am not so exhausted.

Thank you Lord for beautiful Christmas music :)

And yes, it was actually Christmas music this year!  Ha.  Not like last year.

O Holy Night was my favorite tonight.

Kid1 plays the clarinet and was right in the front row so we could see her clearly.  She really is beautiful.  They all dressed in black.  The music teacher insists that it is about the music – it is not a fashion show.  Guess what?  Teenage girls can even make wearing all black fashionable. Oh the neat accessories they wore.

Merry Christmas.

—————————-

For more info on Tulsi Tea (Holy Basil Tea) and how it helps anxiety, you can see Jill’s review on PanicFreeMe.com here:
Holy Basil Benefits: Anxiety Relief

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jill
    Dec 15, 2011 @ 14:23:19

    Good girl Zoe, you gotta do what you gotta do. i was the same way. I used my medication to be able to function and then I learned to do it without- ever so gradually. Do what it takes and do what is best for you.

    Love your Christmas posts, you’re spirit is contagious. BTW, how do you like the Tulsi tea (holy basil tea)?

    Reply

  2. Trackback: O holy night « mixum fixum
  3. Zoe
    Dec 19, 2011 @ 19:27:34

    Hi Jill. I haven’t given the tea a real try yet actually. I say that because the day I drank it I had also taken ativan so I couldn’t tell if it was helpful or not. I’ll let you know though!

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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