He Makes Me Tense

Continuation of our “talk” in the basement tonight.
(See: Sleeping in the Basement)

He said “I don’t know why you always think I’m mad.”
I said “If you’re not mad then quit yelling at everyone.”

We talked once more about how upsetting it is for me when he is always so negative and loudly swearing and yelling.  Him yelling and swearing in the shower the other night has me thinking about this more lately.  I’ve been thinking about why I got so worked up when he did that.  I knew he wasn’t mad at me.  I knew it had nothing to do with me.  Yet, it was still very upsetting to me.

I realized that every time he gets loud and abrupt and swears or puts all that negative drama out there, I tense up – no matter what it is about.  I wish I could be objective about it and not care and know that it is his problem and not mine.  And truly not care.  But I do care.  I think it has more to do with the negative atmosphere and energy around me that makes me so tense and uncomfortable. 

He sounds so angry and it scares me.  I’m not scared like I’m scared he will physically hurt me.  But I’m still scared.  That’s kinda hard to admit.  I know that it all goes back to my childhood. My dad would get like that but then he would take it out on us with his belt.  So just hearing that kind of tone even makes me freak out a little still apparently.  Yes, I am 41 years old.  You’d think I’d be over that by now.  I have worked through a whole lot of that crap and am a better person for it.  But some things just stick with you.  It’s a part of who I am now, of who I’ve become.  I don’t think I will ever get over those feelings of dread that I get when a person gets angry and yells & all that.

Anyway, he is back to being angry at the world.  So much for my happy happy guy.  No surprise, but disappointing.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Healthy Interactions (finally) with a typically distant, angry Spouse | Roots to Blossom
  2. wendyrhea
    May 28, 2014 @ 21:55:25

    Zoe you know I think you hit the nail on the head I tense up every time my hubby is like that too. Only it brings me back to being abused by an ex boyfriend fear creeps in even though I know in my heart my hubby would never do anything that physically hurts me. I am relieved when he works out of town for a few days or a week I don’t have to walk on eggshells.

    Reply

  3. Zoe
    Jun 05, 2014 @ 08:39:05

    Hi Wendyrhea. Thanks for your comments. I know what you mean. I used to be so happy when he would have to go away somewhere. My friends hubby works out of town every week and she always complains, I think that would be so nice! lol

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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