Stop the Insanity


“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now.

I decided to stop the insanity.  I decided that I needed to take a break from my Hubby. Call it a time out.

This began way back when we had the sleeping in the basement argument.  Seems like a long time ago.  Wow – that was March 3rd.  2 months!  It’s been longer than I thought.

That night I decided that I was no longer going to go out of my way to talk to him, or do nice things for him, or be helpful, or smile at him if I didn’t feel like it, or say “I love you” like we do on autopilot when one of us leaves the house.  I was going to change the things that I could to avoid the negative crap that he heaps onto me.  And that I let him heap on me.

It started small.

I decided to stop saying “I love you” to him.  I was just hurting myself – I’d say it to him – he would reply with either “Yep” or “Love you too.”  No expression.  No real feeling behind it.  And I would be hurt my that.

I figured out that I could stop that cycle.  (Duh, right?) I could just stop saying “I love you” to my husband.  Believe it or not, this was hard for me!  Yes, even though our marriage is a mess, it was hard.   That stopped the half-ass replies.  Problem solved.  Kinda.

Next – Every morning when he got home from work, Kid3 and I would be at the table talking & eating breakfast. When hubby comes up the basement steps, we are right there.  I would say good morning to him, or sometimes I would say nothing.  Some days he would smile and start talking about his night.  Some days he would ignore me completely.  Some days he would glare right through me.   I never knew what to expect.

I figured out there was no reason I should put myself thru that crap every single morning.  (Again, duh right?)  So I changed the morning routine just a little and when it was time for him to get home, I’d be upstairs getting dressed.  I removed myself from the situation.  Again, problem solved.  Kinda.

I kept doing things like that.  If he’d ask me if there was any coffee made.  I’d say no.  That’s it.  Before I’d have told him no and then offered to make him some.  When he asked me if we were out of honey, I said I don’t know and I told him to check the pantry.  Before I would have jumped up and went in search of honey.  When it was getting close to time for him to leave for work, I didn’t go hang out with him in the kitchen before he left like I have been doing for years…. I just kept doing whatever I was doing and if he wanted to say goodbye to me before he left for work, he’d have to come find me. (Some days he did, some days he didn’t.) See what I mean?  I wasn’t mean.  I was just distant.

And here is TMI.  We have had sex ONE TIME since then.  Once in 2 months.  What??  That is craziness.  For us, that is a long time!

I kept my distance from him so much that it wasn’t even an issue I guess.  He would have had to actually make some kind of effort.  That didn’t happen.  So it didn’t happen.

to be continued…


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Judi
    May 03, 2012 @ 09:17:32

    This is what I have been doing…..and although we are fighting less…..and he is hurting my feelings less; I feel like we are SOOOO far apart.

    And I think if you asked him, he would say that we are doing better than ever.

    But what is really happening is I am just adjusting my needs and wants to accommodate him and feeling less satisfied with our relationship in the process.

    Cant win!?!?!


  2. rootstoblossom
    May 03, 2012 @ 12:42:16

    I’ve been doing similar things, rocking the boat, changing the patterns, giving him chances to come to me, not me always seeking him. The honey example is so good, how I used to jump up and check even the simplest things for him. I have also stopped saying “I love you”, but he hasn’t. My guy has always said I love you at least 10 times a day, and I guess it lost its meaning to me without any loving actions to back it up. I told him I won’t say it back unless I mean it the way he wants me to mean it. So we have this physical distance now, but we are talking and listening more than we have in years. But I feel better about myself, and the house is so peaceful, we are all treating each other with more respect.


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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