Space and Perspective

Marriage is so complicated.

I posted before about how I decided to stop the insanity and just keep my distance from hubby.  I was trying to stop the cycle or hurt and anger that we had going.  Then we celebrated out 18th anniversary.  It was nothing spectacular but it was nice.  Much better than the past few years.

Backing off and backing away from him has been very good for both of us.  We’ve been getting along better.  Of course that makes sense since we weren’t talking much and were not hanging out as much.  Avoid your husband, avoid the arguments.  Hmm.  Great marriage advice?  lol

I think we both needed – and thoroughly enjoyed the distance.

I say distance, but we stayed right here together.  Working together to take care of the kids and get everything done that needs to be done with our regular busy family stuff.  It’s hard to explain, but the difference was that I just went about my life – and wasn’t worried about him and what he was doing – or thinking – or feeling.  I was exhausted by it all and just didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

And the sex?  I think removing that from the equation took away even more tension between us.  I had always thought it would do the opposite.

It took a while but then there was a shift.

Things began to change.  He would come find me to tell me something.  Anything.  Or he would be watching TV in another room and call to me “Hey, you gotta come see this!”  He would ask me if I needed anything when he went to the store.

He would say things like:
Did you get all your work done yet today?
What are you going to do today?
Did Kid1 tell you about ….?
Is your throat still sore?
I’m going wherever.  Do you want to come?

I mean really simple things right?  Yea, for most people.  He was showing interest in me – in my life again.  He has had so much animosity toward me for so long.  It was very clear  before that pretty much anything I said to him was a bother, an irritation.  That hurt.  A lot.

We went to the flea market a few weeks ago.  Together.  Like a as a family.  (Except for hormonal Kid1 who refused to get out of bed :)  Before, I would not have been invited.  Oh I could have gone along.  But I would not have been asked to go.  And he would most likely have been grumpy at me anyway.  As we were walking along, our hands touched and you know what?  He held my hand.

He has even come and sit next to me on the couch recently.  These things sound completely uneventful I know.  Did we go places together before?  Yes.  Did we sit next to each other before? Sure.  Did we ever hold hands?  Once upon a time.

Again – I think we both needed and enjoyed the break from each other.  The tension started to go away.  Where there are no expectations there can be no disappointments right?   We’ve both been expecting things from each other, and being disappointed by each other for way too long.

We both got some space and maybe even a new perspective.  It’s like we are coming back toward each other now.  Still slowly.

Sure, we’ve had some disagreements lately.  Maybe even a hollered word or two.  But nothing like before.  The sex?  We have not had sex again yet.  Nope.  For some reason it’s not a big deal either.

This has been good for us.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. rootstoblossom
    May 22, 2012 @ 12:38:55

    So happy for you to have found some peace and the possibility to get a bit closer to your husband. It’s so easy to lose each other in the daily business of raising kids. I totally understand the significance of those simple comments, sounds like your husband is reaching out to you. Keep an open mind and open heart and see what happens next!


  2. judiwithani
    May 22, 2012 @ 14:26:01

    Yea what rootstoblossom said!!
    Sounds great. I am thrilled for you.

    I wish it would work for me. We have been doing a version of this for a while and my husband has certainly been happier, but I don’t think it has made us closer. So I am still looking for the answer on how to get him to need/want more of a connection to me.


  3. Every Now and Then
    May 28, 2012 @ 18:16:16

    I am so happy that I read this post. I guess I am stuck in the place you were before you took that step back. I have to try something, because I can’t go on with the way things are.


  4. Zoe
    May 30, 2012 @ 09:30:15

    HI ‘Every Now & Then’. Welcome. I look forward to reading your story too :)


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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