Going to Florida

We are leaving for Florida Thursday at midnight – me & my kids :)

I wanted to just get the heck out of here and away from the responsibilities.  Away from anyone telling me what to do.  Away from opinionated people.  Away from difficult people.  Yes, dare I say it – away from my husband.  I love the man but he is exhausting.

Things have been better with hubby – or at least less confrontational than before….. When I first planned this trip I couldn’t wait to get out of here.  I needed a break and could not wait to escape the crap.  Now it’s calmer here and I am happy to go, but not feeling so desperate.

And now guess what?  My dad has decided he is coming too.  Did I mention that he is loud and opinionated.  And often difficult.  Wonderful.   Kinda defeats the purpose doesn’t it?

We are going to his condo in Florida.  It is a free vacation – in terms of lodging.  Originally he was not going to go. I am grateful for the use of his condo.  I am grateful to him.  Sorry to say I wish he wasn’t coming tho!   It’s his condo – obviously I can’t tell him not to come.  He is excited and looking forward to hanging out with his grandkids.  That’s wonderful.  It also means that I have to care what someone else thinks, what someone else wants to do.  I know that makes me sound like spoiled brat.  Think what you want.  I just want to be left alone.  To me, that’s what this vacation is about.

I have not said this to my BFF, her Dad died from cancer when she was in college.  She still has a very hard time with it – and Monday was the anniversary of his death.  She gets very upset when people who still have a dad do not appreciate them.  I get that.

Anyway, I am looking forward to having a break from life.  My kids love the beach as much as I do – the plan is to swim, play in the sand, hang out in the air conditioned condo, get in the hot tub at night…. bliss.  Wake up whenever we feel like it.  Go to bed whenever we feel like it.  DO WHATEVER WE FEEL LIKE.  We are still going to do those things.  But it will not be as care-free.  I have made it very clear to my dad that the purpose of this vacation is to just veg out and RELAX.  I hope he gets it.

(Wondering why I have to escape to Florida to do whatever I feel like doing?  Aren’t I an adult??  Hmmm.)

I will have to work some since we are planning to be gone for 12 days.  I bought a hotspot from datajack.com for the trip.  (Don’t have it yet – hope it works well!)  Hubby’s only opinion about the whole things has been that he would like us to avoid weekend driving.  I guess that makes it a safer trip in his mind.  He is probably right.  Well it will take us 2 days to drive there – so instead of cutting it short to avoid the weekends, we made it longer.

Now my Dad is insisting that we drive his car and hubby agrees.  It’s a nicer and newer.  Hubby is happy to not put all those miles on our van.  But to me, it’s just one more way that I have lost control of this vacation.  It is his car, that means I have to ask permission to drive it when we want to go somewhere.  It means we can’t just pick up and go if we have the urge – because maybe Dad is out and about already.  He lives there all winter and has a life and friends and other stuff going on – so it’s not like he’ll just be sitting home bored.  He’ll be using the car.  And it’s his car so whatever right?

The plan is for us all to drive back together also.  But then he says things like – “If I decide to stay longer I’ll just fly you guys home.”  That makes my stomach twist.  He has no idea that I have been fighting panic attacks.  He has no idea how terrifying that sounds to me.  He thinks that is awesome and that I should be thrilled that I don’t have to drive 20 hours.

My mind is taking me crazy places today.  I wish it wasn’t.  Am I control freak?   Maybe – I hate that I have lost control of this vacation.

And one more thing…. the last time we went to Florida, my BFF and our kids all went together – to my Dad’s condo for a week.  That was Feb 2009.  When we came home home my hubby was a new man.  He missed us very much and was the doting husband.  There were flowers waiting for me.  Seriously it was so wonderful.  It was excellent for our relationship.  He missed me  – he appreciated me – he drove me crazy actually.  lol  It was wonderfully sweet.  Do I expect  the same thing?  No.  Wouldn’t that be awesome though?  Of course!  It’s in the back of my head.  It will be a let down for sure when it doesn’t happen that way.  In our relationship “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” has always been true.  Always.  I’m not so sure about this time tough.  I think he wants a break from life as much as I do.  I doubt we will miss each other at all.

No, I will miss him.  I already do.  This is not going to be a big game-changer in our relationship though.  I need to get that in my head now.  I do not want to get my hopes up.  It would just hurt too much to be wrong again.

But wow – we really do need a game changer.  I want that in the worst way.  So as hard as I’ll try not to expect it, I will still hope for it.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Laura
    Jul 17, 2012 @ 16:32:39

    What about simply saying: “Thank you for offering to drive, but I want to have my own vehicle available while I’m on vacation. That way I don’t have to inconvenience you you and ask to use your car.” Would something like that work with your dad? That’s a polite way of saying: Hey – I’m claiming my own right to drive and my own need for freedom. Or what about simply saying: “I need a vehicle available to me because I know you will be off visiting your friends and I don’t want to be stuck while you’re gone.” That’s pretty frank and to the point. He would surely understand that with 3 kids you don’t want to be a the mercy of when you can use his car; right? Good luck.

    I hope you enjoy your vacation. You deserve it!!


  2. Zoe
    Jul 18, 2012 @ 10:13:54

    HI Laura. I did talk to him about it actually. He said he usually bikes everywhere and he really doesn’t think it will be a problem. He listed a few places he will need to drive but said he knows I will need it and it will be fine. Sigh. I’m just nervous about the whole thing. My Dad & I in the same car for 20 hours? That’s more time than we’ve spent together in ages…. since I was a child and lived at home – before my parents divorced… Yikes. lol


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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