Tonight was real.

Tonight was real.

It wasn’t covered with an anxious haze.  I wasn’t watching myself from the other side of the room.

I was present.

We got there with about 10 minutes to spare.  The only seats left were toward the front.  As I walked toward the front of the room, my knees were not wobbly.  I wasn’t lightheaded or scanning out the exits.  I just walked to my seat.  (I did manage to wrangle an aisle seat from my daughter using the “I want to be able to stand up to take pictures” line.)

I sat back in my chair and chatted with Kid1’s volleyball coach and some friends who were sitting in front of us.
Notice that:  I sat back in my chair. Like a relaxed person waiting for an event to begin.

That’s when I really noticed that this night was different.  I got my little notebook out of my purse then – because usually when I start thinking about the panic attacks, it brings them on and I need a quick distraction.

I did write a few things in my notebook.  But not for the usual reasons.  Hubby had been wandering who the announcer is at the football games.  We can hear him but not see him up in the booth and he thought he sounded familiar.  They said his name to thank him and I jotted it down.

Then I noticed that I was not frantically writing prayers or song lyrics in my notebook, I was just taking notes.  For real.

I didn’t have to ‘dig through my purse to find something’ even once.  That is my all time favorite distraction :)

When it was over, I casually put on my coat, chatted with a few people and made my way to the door.   Calmly.  I wasn’t dying for fresh air.

Tonight was real.

Ativan included – doesn’t make it any less real!


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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