Phases

Good morning.  I was up at 5am today and I’m wide awake.  Good time for an update :)

The days have been crazy.  Hubby and I have cried together and we have laughed together.  I have cried alone and I believe he has to.  I have seen his puffy eyes even though he never told me.

We’ve gone through a few phases already.  He’s promised to give me everything I need.   He’s been quiet and distant and told me he thinks I may be right  – that this is just not going to work and we should just deal with it and move on.  That he’s glad I took this step.  Then we had some family events we all went to together.  Then we took the kids shopping and did the divide and conquer so they could buy each other things without the others knowing it.  We actually went out to eat at a restaurant – the whole family.  Can’t remember the last time that happened.  Then he was back to promising me the world.  Then when Gram & Pap took the kids Christmas shopping, I wrapped gifts in the basement.  He had said he would help but didn’t.  He slept.  When he woke up we drank vodka & coke, got a little drunk in the middle of the afternoon, played Uno and laughed our asses off.  First time I ever drank vodka.  Yuk.  He has been sleeping in our bedroom again too.

We are living this busy life together and keeping up with our responsibilities as parents.  Tending to sick children, taking kids to Christmas parties, and all the regular parenting stuff too. He took the girls shopping last night so they could help him pick out Christmas gifts for me.  I got him some gifts too.

For now, this is what it is.  I don’t know what it is.  I don’t think he does either.  He has definitely been more kind and more patient.  Kind of subdued.  He has not been yelling as much.  Or swearing as much.  Although those things are still happening some.  I guess this issue has been put on a shelf in the corner for now.  And I guess that’s what happens when your life isn’t just about you.  We’ll do our best to get through this holiday with smiles on our faces – for our kids.

One thing he said has stuck in my head.  I’m paraphrasing but he said something like:

“I have to decide if I want to stay bitter and angry and be by myself,  Or if I want to make the change and have my family.”

I’m not sure he said the word angry.  He may have said stressed.  I know he said bitter.  I cannot understand how this would be a hard choice for anyone.  It makes me mad that this would be something he has to think about.  It makes no sense to me.  Just do it already!

One of the main issues he had when we were talking about how miserable he is now – and that he didn’t used to be – is that he is stressed out about absolutely everything every day of his life.  He said “Can’t we have just ONE DAY that is stress-free?!?”  And he wasn’t talking about our big conversation – he was talking about little things that happen every day when you have a family.  Kids arguing over who gets to sit where.  Or another pile of laundry in the living room.  Or the dinner time/homework time chaos that happens after school every day.  Or the fact that money is tight.  Or the dog barking insanely at a cat walking by.  He really cannot handle it.  He talked about how he has wanted to build a garage forever and just can’t get to it.  He said everyday he goes out to go to work at 10pm and has no idea if his car is going to even start.

In my mind there are solutions to many of those things.  And the other things – well they are just part of life.

My biggest points with him were and still are – he has to learn to let go of the little things and just let them slide off.  It’s just life.  He is not the only person dealing with this stuff, get over it. (I didn’t say it that way cuz he was really struggling when he told me all this).  We are supposed to be on  the same TEAM, not opponents.  Life would be easier if he worked TOGETHER.  He doesn’t get to be mean just cuz he stressed out.  I want a real partner in this marriage and as parents.

And now it’s almost 6 and my BFF will be here soon with her son – he comes here before school when she has to go to work early.  Talk to you all later.  I haven’t kept up with my blog reading lately so I hope you are all doing well!  Love you guys!

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Judi
    Dec 18, 2012 @ 09:38:17

    THis is progress…sounds good to me. :)
    Hopefully he will choose his family and work to make some changes. We all fantisize how nice it would be to live without the chaos…but you are right, it is just the way life is and you have to learn to let go and relax and not let it drive you nuts. (or at least vent your guts out on a blog. LOL)
    Wishing you the best today and always!
    Merry Christmas!!!!

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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