Not Your Typical Mom

Occasionally I try to talk to my mom about our non-existent relationship.  Basically she thinks I’m making a big deal over nothing.  I asked her one time why she didn’t even bother to come to one of Kid3’s baseball games. ” It was too hot.”  But Seriously – at that time, she lived a 5 minute walk from the field.  We played probably 20 games there that summer and she had the schedule.  I used to invite her to the kid’s events at school.  I quit doing that a few years ago.  She never came and she acted like it was weird that I was even telling her about these things anyway.

Every once in a while I get upset about not having a mom and try to reach out to her.  I start calling her, or find a reason that I need to stop in at her house, or whatever.  It ends up just hurting again though.  I’m not sure, I may have already typed about this but in December, we were going to have a girls day and go see the nutcracker.  My mom, sisters and our daughters.  It had been planned for weeks.  Well something happened when my sister ordered the tickets online – apparently the order didn’t go through.  She didn’t realize this until that morning when she went to find the ticket confirmation in her email to print and take along with us.   So, she felt horrible and apologized, but then we decided that we would all go to lunch somewhere instead.  We already had planned to hang out, so let’s do it.  My mom said no.  She didn’t want to go to a restaurant because its hard for her to find things to eat.  She eats gluten free.  She could have ordered a salad for heavens sake.  It’s not like she never goes to restaurants.  And she is always concerned about money – well this would be cheaper than the nutcracker tickets were so she was still spending less that day than planned.  Nope, she didn’t want to go and that was the end of it.

The rest of us went and had a nice time.

Why wouldn’t she come?  We hardly ever see each other, so it would have been nice.  Apparently that was not the point of getting together that day for her.  Apparently she was just excited to see the nutcracker?   I mean isn’t that sucky??

The saddest part about this to me is that I always thought she was a great mom when we were growing up.  She was our rock in the turmoil my dad created.  She was always there for us and even though she never came to any of my volleyball games or band competitions or stuff like that, she was there for other stuff.  She would go to the honor society banquets with me.  She ….  I don’t know – I can think of more things she didn’t do than things she did…..  She was a stay at home mom with an over bearing husband, two teenagers and two younger children.   So I guess it would have been hard for her to come to the games because she’d have to bring my little bro and sister too?  They would have been 9 and 11.  See, no they could have come and behaved themselves at that age so who knows why she never came.

At home though she was the nice one.  I guess she really wasn’t that interested then either.  Everytime I thought about this before, I rationalized that she had a husband from hell and was just trying to make it through.  And dealing with him was about all she could handle.  But she still doesn’t participate in our lives and she no longer has that excuse now does she??

I’d love to have a straight up conversation with her about this but I won’t.  I think about it often.  I can’t even think through what I want to say without getting teary-eyed so I know I would cry.  And I don’t want to.  I don’t think I would feel better after talking to her.  I think her responses would be completely detached and unemotional and she would tell me that I am making a big deal out of something that isn’t.  She would tell me that she ‘just doesn’t want to’ participate and be more involved.  I don’t believe it would get us anywhere and it would just bring up old hurts and I would be a mess for a while.  So I think I’ll skip that and just keep trying to ignore the sad feelings I have about all this.

My mom-in-law (who is very awesome btw) tells me I should try to talk to her more – that I will regret it someday.   She can’t say that without crying because she misses her mother terribly.  I am very grateful for my m-i-l.  She is more like a mom to me than my own.  If I need help or advice, I call her.  When I am sick, she’ll bring down homemade chicken soup and ginger ale.  Hubby mentioned to her one time that I was in bed with a headache, she called later that night to see how I was and to offer her latest herbal remedy :)  I mean that’s what a mother does right?

Interesting that now my dad is the parent I am in contact with most.  He tries.  He cares.  Sometimes he calls an annoying number of times.  He is an alcoholic.  He doesn’t drink anymore (at least not much anyway) and he knows he was horrible when we were growing up.  He has apologized and wants to hang out with us now and be a part of our lives.  I used to hate him.  I don’t anymore.  He has proven that people can change.  I know my dad loves me.

Sucks to have a mom like mine.

Oh my gosh here is something – on my 21st birthday while I was away at college (did I already type about this too?) she decided that it would be a wonderful gift for me to receive a letter from her on my birthday.  I didn’t get a nice card or a gift, or even a phone call.  No, what I got was a letter from my mom telling me the story of the day I was born.  It is not a nice story.  The gist of it is this – my dad was out all night at the bar and didn’t come home until the next morning when it was almost time to go to the hospital.  My birth was scheduled because we lived in a place with BIG winters – like many feet of snow – and you had to plan these things so you wouldn’t be stranded somewhere in a blizzard when you went into labor.  So she drug him into the backseat of the car where he passed out and drove herself to the hospital.  He stayed there, passed out, while she had me.  There are a few more details I’d rather forget.  But isn’t that great.  Isn’t that just how you want to celebrate your birthday?  What is wrong with her?  What on earth made her think that that was a good idea?  I was away at school.  It was my 21st birthday.   I was a mess.  It was so upsetting to me.  She basically told me how horrible it was the day I was born.  Who does that?  So of course my friends and I did the 21st birthday ‘bar tour’ that night and I got so drunk.  Oh my.  I remember that I was laying on the floor in my friends bathroom the next morning puking my guts up and there were cockroaches crawling around my head.  LOL  (College apartments can be pretty gross!)

Anyway, there it is.  My mom is not your typical mom.

But I want to be.  I want to be the mom who calls her kids too often and that babysits her grand-kids and goes to their sporting events and invites everyone over for Sunday dinners.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Barbara
    Mar 25, 2013 @ 16:47:06

    *big sigh* I don’t even know where to start. Yes, it is totally fucked that your mom takes no interest in your life. But what is even more fucked is not wanting to be a grandma.
    Before you talk to her I would suggest talking to a professional. Not because there is anything wrong with the way you are feeling but a professional will help you sort your feelings into manageable chunks. If you aren’t up to that keep writing about it. But I do think you should talk to your mom. Maybe a letter?

    One thing that is awesome is you do have the love of a wonderful woman. Your MIL sounds like a beautiful woman. Have you read the book The Secret Life of Bees? It talks about women and sometimes when a mother falls short on being a mom we have stand-in moms. Having women in your life can bring the love that your mom is not able to give.

    No matter what, it is a shitty deal. I encourage you to let your mom know how you feel because you will regret it one day. Regrets are a heavy burden to carry.

    In Al-Anon we say, “Talk with each other, reason things out….” When you talk you don’t have to figure it out all in one day. Talk then take a break. Keep your conversation filled with love and the longing that you feel and not blame. (Though that is what she deserves, it won’t help.) There is nothing at all wrong with crying. Maybe it will help your mom see your pain.

    Keep us posted. Sending you some mom love. xo

    Reply

  2. Zoe
    Jan 02, 2014 @ 23:58:01

    Hi Barb. I re-read your comment from time to time when I am upset about my mom. I just want you to know it helps me. And what you said about having a stand-in mom is beautiful. My mother-in-law has such a huge heart and I love her dearly! And she loves me. :)

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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