I Hated Him for about an Hour

I haven’t felt a lot of anger towards my husband for a while.  Things are getting better with us.  I am amazed and grateful.

Yesterday he made a decision that was completely insensitive and he would not hear a word I had to say about it.  He made the decision cuz he was mad, he put up his wall and wouldn’t hear another word about it.  Oh my it made me mad!

He wouldn’t hear my opinion about it.  He wouldn’t explain his reason for the decision.  He just kept saying “It’s done.”  What that meant was that I had no say and he didn’t care AT ALL what I thought.

I yelled.  I really yelled.  I’m not proud of that.  And of course he turned it all around and it was no longer about him being a jerk, it was about me being a lunatic.  Sigh.  Yes, I acted like a lunatic with my yelling.  But he acted like an insensitive jerk first!  Can you hear the whining in my voice?! lol  We both handled it wrong and in case you needed me to confirm it for you, two wrongs still don’t make a right. :/

It turned out alright but what surprised me was how much anger I felt towards him.  All those thoughts about kicking him out of the house, and how I should have left him long ago, and…. that all came flying back at me hard and hit me in the face.

It’s like we have come SO FAR, that when things like this happen, it scares the crap out of me, my reaction is to fight like heck, fearing that we are headed back to where we were at our worst.  We have come too far to let that happen.  I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE.  NO WAY.

I think that was why it hit me so hard.  I think that is why I got SO mad at him.  I never wanted to see that jerk side of him again.  Ever.  But it’s still in there I guess.  Just like my lunatic melt down side of me still exists.  In my defense, I believe my inner lunatic was born to defend myself against the jerk.  Yep, I’m blaming him.  Ha.  But I think it’s true.  I used to be a pretty rational person.  He has infuriated me so much over the past few years though that I turned to my inner lunatic to fight back.

Well this post didn’t go where I had planned.  I planned to say that the negative, hateful feelings I had towards my hubby yesterday really surprised me.  I had not felt that in quite a while and the meltdown yesterday reminded me how far we’ve come.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Barbara
    Aug 03, 2013 @ 03:18:07

    All I can say is I understand completely. ;-)

    Reply

  2. rootstoblossom
    Aug 03, 2013 @ 14:27:43

    I do this too. Surprised to have same old thoughts and terrified to go back the way it used to be. I’ve found it may be a step back, but progress is progress. We talk it over and heal again. Endlessly exhausting but we;re always learning.

    Reply

  3. Judi
    Aug 05, 2013 @ 10:55:16

    Two steps forward and one step back is still moving in the right direction. (i have to remind myself of this all the time).

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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