What Would You Do?

I think I need a new “series” on my blog.  “What would you do?” WWYD  Or really, “What would you have done?”  Or “What should I have done?”

Situations come up with hubby (and my kids!) that I hate but haven’t figured out how to handle them.  I want my reaction – or the way I respond to the situation to make it clear that the behavior is unacceptable.  I want to do this in a respectful way.  I don”t want to be confrontational but I don’t want to be a doormat either.

My mom used to say to me that my Gram was crabby because people let her be.  That statement has stuck with me for 30+ years.

My hubby is crabby because people let him be.

I don’t want to be one of those people who let him be!  I don’t want to be his enabler.   I understand the whole “you teach people how to treat you” thing.  I also refuse to accept responsibility for his behavior.  I refuse to take the blame for how my hubby treats me – and other people., even though I have let him in the past.  It is still HIS bad behavior, not mine.

I know I need to stand up to him and I have been doing that and our relationship has improved.  Throw in a “Be nice or get out” ultimatum, and our relationship improved even more.  But…

He still does a LOT of things that I find completely jerky.  Thoughts that this isn’t ever going to really work out are still front and center in my mind.  I still think “I DO NOT want to live with this man for the rest of my life.” quite often!

So I guess I want to know the best way to handle these situations – to be sure he’s not being crabby because I let him.   And I find myself minimizing the not so fun stuff lately because there are a lot of good moments now too.

But no.

There are just some things that he does that show such contempt for people that I cannot accept.  That goes against everything I believe in.  We are here to help others and make the world a better place.  He would say we are here help ourselves only and to get “them” before they get us.  “Them” could be anyone.  “Them” are always out to get him.  Ugh.  What a horrible life philosophy.  How did I, an eternal optimist, end up with this guy?

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sofia Leo
    Sep 17, 2013 @ 14:17:37

    Opposites attract. Assholes look for optimists and happy people who will cover for them and allow them to continue to be assholes.

    Is it your job to fix him? Is it your job to cover for him so he can continue to be an asshole? Nope. The only person you can change is yourself. You know this, so why are you even bothering to rationalize “teaching him to treat you (and others) well?” He doesn’t care what you think or how you feel or he would have changed by now. His Life Philosophy is already set in stone. I was with That Guy for over ten years. They don’t change. Ever.

    My advice? When he’s pulling his crap, walk away. Don’t engage. Don’t plaster over his bad behavior with ANYONE. If someone says something about it, simply reply, “Yeah, that was a really crappy thing that he did. He’s an asshole like that. I don’t approve, but he’s a grown man, so what can I do?” And walk away.

    It’s not your problem. Let him take some consequences and see what he does.

    Reply

  2. Zoe
    Sep 17, 2013 @ 14:53:01

    I agree with everything you said. The main thing I want to figure out is how I should respond when he acts like a jerk – not to try to change his behavior, but so he gets that I’m not gonna take it, I don’t like it and I don’t like being around him when he’s like that. I don’t EVER want to be his enabler. Yes, of course I would hope that he figures out he has to be nicer, but really I want to figure out a way to deal with it so I can keep my dignity and maybe even a little self-respect.

    Reply

  3. Zoe
    Sep 17, 2013 @ 14:54:58

    And there never seem to be any consequences for him!!? How does that happen?? His family has been letting him get away with it for years! And he is sweet as pie to strangers.

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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