WWYD: Tractor Show Breakfast

OK so here is another one.

What would you do?

We camped out at a tractor show over the weekend.  They served breakfast the last morning – pancakes and sausage.  Hubby was there last year too and has gone on and on about how good the breakfast was.  And he mentioned it a few times when we were there this year.  So Sunday morning arrives, we all get up and get ready and head down to the pavilion to get breakfast.  It’s $5 each.  As we are in line he says he doesn’t think he’s gonna get anything to eat.  I wonder why and know I have to be careful about how I ask cuz it seems like he is already in a mood.  I wonder if perhaps he was getting low on cash or something.  I asked him and he said he had enough cash.  So I touched his arm and said “You’ll feel better today if you eat breakfast.”  He glared right through me.  Such a nice way to start the day!  He said nothing else and I ignored him and chatted it up with my kiddos and other people in line.

The rest of us got our breakfast and we headed back to our site with our plates to sit around the fire and eat.    As soon as we sat down, Kid3 laughed and said he forgot to get a fork.  As I was trying to tell him that we have some forks in the camper, hubby yelled at him and told him to “use his head god dammit!” and on and on.  I said “Hubby relax!  (Insert his actual name here!)”  He got even more pissed cuz I said that and sat down in his chair with a horrible look on his face that let us all know that he can’t stand us.  We already know that, no need for the face.

I got Kid3 a fork and we all sat in uncomfortable silence for a while as hubby stewed.  Finally I asked him what his problem was?  Didn’t he sleep good or doesn’t he feel good or what?  Of course he didn’t answer me.  Kid3 piped up and said “Probably cuz I forgot my fork mom.”  I told him that was crazy and it wasn’t his fault.  I told him you’re allowed to forget a fork, everybody forgets things and I thought it was kinda funny.  (Dear God, PLEASE help my kids to know that it is not their fault that their Dad acts like a jerk!!)  Hubby got up and went into the camper to find something else to eat for breakfast.  Of course not without asking me in rude ways where stuff is.  I answered his questions but offered no help.  Maybe I shouldn’t have even answered him.  I don’t know.  But I want to model respectful behavior for my kids… If someone is trying to talk to you, you should not ignore them!   (At the same time, maybe it would be a good lesson to show them that they are allowed to ignore bullies!)

A little while later when things were a bit calmer and it was just hubby and I sitting around the fire I asked him again what the heck his problem was.  You know what his answer was???  He said “I don’t like to be told what to do.”

Let that sink in a minute will you?  When exactly did I tell him what to do??  When I told him I thought he’d feel better if he ate breakfast.  Are you freaking kidding me!

I sat there kind of stunned.  All that proves is that it doesn’t matter AT ALL what I say to him.  If he wants to be mad or be a jerk towards me, he will find something to be mad at me for.  I already knew that.  But this just put it right back there in my face.  I had no response to him.  I mean anything I said would not have mattered.  He wouldn’t ever admit that he was being stupid.

So I let it go and we went about our day.  No need to have a war when we are stuck at the tractor show together for the next few hours.  He got over it and was happier the rest of the day.  Well, until we came home later and went to his mom’s house for the birthday party picnic.  You’ve already heard that story though.

I think typing these out is already helping me to realize exactly how ridiculous our marriage is!  I tend to minimize these things in my mind.  I guess I’m just happy when he’s out of his crappy moods.  But these types of things are regular occurrences and are really so stupid and they stress me out.  There is no need for a grown man to act the way he does!   Sadly, it just makes it more and more clear that staying married to this man is NEVER going to be easy.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Tricia
    Sep 19, 2013 @ 10:04:12

    Wow! Even tho it’s hard to do (and much easier for me to say), when it was just you and him alone talking, I would have called him out, told him you were done putting up with his crabby moods for no reason. I would have pointed out again what your kid said, how they thought his mood was due to them forgetting their fork and told him exactly what you wrote – that you don’t want the kids believing they are responsible for his moods. At that moment I probably would have offered an ultimatum. I tend to speak in the heat of the moment! Not always the best tactic but it does get the communication flowing with my husband!
    Good luck! Marriage is hard, but should not be a constant battle!

    Reply

  2. Sofia Leo
    Sep 19, 2013 @ 12:19:19

    He was looking for a fight. Any little thing would do. I’ve been exactly *there* more times than I can count. They want to argue and make you feel small and will go to ridiculous lengths to start something that leaves you astounded or, even better, in tears. It’s all a game.

    When the X-Narc would pull this crap, I often got a lecture about how my response to his BS was “inappropriate,” “childish,” or “hurtful to him.” It’s all about provoking a reaction from you. Every time you doubt what actually happened or explain his bad behavior or make excuses for him, you enable him to continue to act like an ass.

    I tried reasoning with him. I tried explaining my point of view. I offered alternatives and compromises. I choked back my confusion and hurt. I made excuses to rationalize his bizarre behavior. I walked away and was pursued. Then I got smart. I stopped reacting. Stopped caring about his game. He didn’t change, so I left. I’ve never been happier :-)

    Reply

  3. judi
    Sep 19, 2013 @ 12:32:42

    I want to kick him in the balls! He’s a jerk. I feel sorry for you guys having to put up with him.

    I have no advise….he doesn’t care what you say.

    Reply

  4. Laura
    Sep 19, 2013 @ 13:51:45

    Walking on eggshells gets exhausting after a while. I think we’ve all done it, and I think we can all agree it’s no fun. I don’t really have anything helpful to add other than I’m sorry you have to live like this. Solidarity sister! I have totally been there. I know it is easier said than done, but try not to let his moods get to you, and just remember they have nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him. Granted, even as I type that I realize how futile it is. When you are in the same space as someone who is being an angry jerk, their mood is going to have an impact regardless of how hard you ignore them or try not to let it. It will make you uncomfortable, anxious, uneasy and just overall stressed out while you anticipate and dread the next attack. It is so sad that he is spreading his personal toxicity over the lives of his family. If he’s miserable then everyone needs to be; right? Because he is the center of the universe, apparently? Ugh… He needs to grow the “F” up.

    Reply

  5. Zoe
    Sep 19, 2013 @ 20:10:36

    I love you guys.

    Reply

  6. Kelly
    Oct 13, 2013 @ 13:20:16

    Something just dawned on me: In my first comment to you today regarding anxiety attacks, I mentioned that I started having them due to a traumatic event. I didn’t mention what that event was, but I will now. I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and I think it just took a toll on me and I “snapped.” I woke up the next morning in a state of panic, after he threw all my belongings in garbage bags and kicked me out, breaking things I had had since childhood. This was the last straw for me. Unfortunately it came a little too late, after I had broken down. I was never the same after that. He wanted me one day and not the next. It was a complete emotional roller coaster. I was always fearful of his volatile moods. I was afraid to speak at times. I was blinded by “love,” so I stayed for the good times, which were far and few between.

    I’m not going to try and tell you what you should do, but I think deep down, without much thought, you know what you need to do. There are so many “what-ifs.” I understand, but you cannot control this, no matter how much you want to. I wish that there was something I could say that would fix this, but like the others have said, it’s a two-way street, and if he’s not willing to change or work at it, you’re essentially stuck where you are, and that’s taking a toll on you.

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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