Hope

I’ve been thinking about this for a while.

Sofia asked me in her comments on my post “Anger, Heartache, Relief and Confusion” if the “great guy” I fell in love with ever really was a great guy or if he was always just a monster in disguise.  My gut reaction was that he absolutely WAS a great guy.  It was real!   But this blog is all about me being real with myself and that question haunted me.  What if it never was real?  What if I am just in love with the IDEA of him and not really in love with him – because HE doesn’t really exist the way I think he does?  Am I just in denial?

My conclusion:  He wasn’t always like this.  That great guy did exist.

I don’t know if he still does but that is what I am counting on.

I don’t  think that he is passive aggressive like many of the horrible hubbys I read about on the blogs of my dear cyber friends.  Some of the things he does seem to fit the description, many others do not.

I think mainly he is just an angry jerk.

He wasn’t always a jerk.  He has had his moments but the jerk moments were not his main personality like now.

He has never been “easy-going”.  And we often had problems communicating, misunderstanding each other.  That’s true.  But we always liked each other even when we disagreed.

For a while there I thought he was depressed. I still wonder that.  It seems he is just chronically angry.  He has put his defenses up and appointed me the enemy.  I’m not sure exactly when or why that happened.  A few things pop into my mind though…

In April 2008 he convinced himself that I was cheating on him.  I wasn’t and his accusation were ridiculous if you ask me.  They were completely unfounded.  I think that now he believes that nothing ever happened but that situation did some damage. (I think I blogged about this before and its a long stupid story that I don’t feel like typing out.  I NEVER cheated on him tho.)

It was a horrible time.  He said that he had trusted me completely and that trust was now shattered.  He even said something about how he had put me up on a pedestal, how he looked up to me before and now he had lost all respect for me.  He didn’t think that I was the kind of person that could ever do this. I’ll never forget it.  He had never spoken to me like that before.  He said he lost all respect for me – and I could see it in his eyes – it was true.  He was angry but weirdly calm.  I explained what I could and denied any wrong doing (which apparently just made me sound guilty).  He didn’t believe me.  That made me mad.  He didn’t trust me for a long time after that.  And I was mad for a long time because I had done nothing wrong.

About 2 months after this is when I had my first panic attack.  Hmm.  I never put those 2 events together before….

Sometime in 2010 he started working 3rd shift which meant we no longer shared a bed.  Like ever.  No more gab sessions at bedtime.  No more foot rubbing.  No more cuddling.  Hardly ever any sex.  Bedtime was always our main time to talk & connect with each other.  Gone.  (I miss it so badly!  I have been so freakin lonely since he started 3rd shift!)

Nov 2010 –  I started this blog.  Our marriage was at its all time low.

There have been many ups and downs since then.

Many days I read over my posts and ask myself what the hell I am still doing here.

But here is a fact.

Things really HAVE improved since I started  this blog.  When I read back to some of my first posts – my God he was terrible.  He still isn’t awesome – and some days he’s still pretty terrible – but not like then.

And maybe it seems better now because I am a stronger person than I was then.

Here’s the thing.

He really wasn’t always like this.  Anger has taken over his life and now he’s a jerk.  But I believe with all my heart that he is still in there.  My prayer is that he can hurry up and get out of this nasty fog before I give up on him.  On us.  I do believe that he is the one and only that God intended for me.  I still feel that deep in my soul.  He is my home.  And I am his.

I hate that I feel embarrassed to type these things and put them out here in public after typing out all the crappy stuff that happens.  Of course I look like a blind idiot.  I know that.  And I will continue to post about my hurts and I’m sure just reinforce to you all that he is not who I think he is.  That kinda sucks but it is what it is.

Truth:  He may not be that guy anymore.  He may not ever be again.  I know that.

I guess I’m just not willing to give up hope yet.

I pray every day that this will be worth it in the end.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. rootstoblossom
    Oct 19, 2013 @ 12:42:16

    I don’t think you’re an idiot to hold on to hope and want to heal your relationship. No one is the same person anyone married, everyone grows and changes. The trick is to grow together and not apart. It sounds very possible he went through a depression, look up irritable depression. My therapist said it is more common for men to act out in anger when depressed, where women get more sad and withdrawn. Don’t be embarrassed to feel strong enough to want to stick to your commitment and save your marriage. I always said I would know when it was time to leave, but leaving wasn’t an option until I had tried everything, and given enough time for the little changes to take place. If you see progress, feel closer to him, feel like you are communicating even at all, then listen to your heart and gut. Your guy may need you to be the strong one and take the lead on this. I’m not saying stay in a terrible situation, but he doesn’t sound dangerous to me from what you write, he sounds like he needs some help and love. Living with a spouse with panic attacks takes a toll on them too, my hubby is still learning how to handle everything and take care of himself too. I thought my guy was doomed to be angry forever, but slowly, he is learning to take that frustration elsewhere and speak gently again.

    Reply

  2. Zoe
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 13:10:06

    Thank you so much understanding!! :)

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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