I bought tickets.

God help me.

I did it.  I’m going to do it.

I bought tickets to a play.  Annie.  I bought 5 tickets so my whole family can go.  I don’t know if hubby will go or not but he did not immediately shoot down the idea.  If he doesn’t go, I’ll take one of my sisters instead.

I love plays.

The panic monster took those from me and it’s time for me to fight back.

I have not been to anything like this since my panic attacks started.  I’ve tried a few times, but it never happened for one reason or another.

I am very nervous but I’m also determined.

I’ve already thought this to death.  I looked at the website and the theater pics for DAYs before I actually bought the tickets.

Many Days.

I looked at the seating chart, I looked at pics of the inside of the theater and matched up seat numbers with where they were in the photo….

Yea, I know.


I chose seats on the balcony.  I made sure that I can have an end seat.  I looked to see where the exits are.  I wanted to know I could get out of there if I had to.  I don’t think I’ll have to.  Just knowing that I CAN leave quickly and without a scene is the main thing.

The play is not for a few weeks.  I am going to try to forget about it for a while.

I am actually excited though!  I know it seems like I’m freaking out about it.  I absolutely am!  But I am excited also.  I know I can do this and I’m ready to prove it.  I want to be able to do these things again!

I’ve also been looking at the sports schedule for a local college.  I want to go to a volleyball game in the large gym.  And then I want to go to a basketball game in the HUGE arena.  Yea, they call it an arena cuz it’s so big.  Sigh.  There is a concert there every year that my sisters and family go to – and I have always chickened out and sent kid1 with them.  I WANT TO GO!  It is always a sell out though and packed full.  That sounds terrifying to me.  And the pictures my sister takes just confirm my fears!  I figure if I can go to a basketball game there and scope out the place that will help.  Or it might confirm for me that I am not ready for that yet. We’ll see.

Now I have to see if the volleyball or basketball schedule works with mine.  I want to take at least some of my kids with me.  I’d love it if hubby helped me with this.  I kinda doubt he will want to go though.  I will not say to him that I need help cuz of my panic attacks.  I don’t want him to come out of pity.  Maybe one of my sisters would come with me.  I would really like another adult to come.  If I feel a freak out coming on, I could leave to “go to the bathroom” without having to bring my kids with me if another adult is there.  I could go do some deep breathing and come back without it being a big deal for everyone else.  And driving.  If I am freaking out the day of the game, I will have a horrible time driving there.   It’s about an hour away.

I need an adult who will be there for me but not pity me.  I need an adult there that will just leave me alone and let me do what I need to do.  Don’t watch me – waiting for me to lose it.  Help me if I ask for help, otherwise just pretend I’m normal!  My BFF has been working late and lots of overtime hours so she will not be able to go.  That would be ideal tho :(

Hopefully I follow through with the volleyball and basketball games.  Life is busy and it would be so much easier to just let this go.  I want to go but I don’t want to go. Agh!



2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Barbara
    Nov 04, 2013 @ 22:56:31

    I have a hard time with ‘going out’ as well but I am able to handle live theatre because usually it is so good that I don’t even notice! I think you should bring along an Ativan if you have them. Even .5 mg would help if you need it.


  2. imnotyourfavoritepossession
    Nov 06, 2013 @ 15:17:20

    It’s nice (well, not nice; I am sorry to hear you go through it, too) to read about someone who has similar struggles. I admire the proactive approach you’re taking. I have difficulty driving to potentially stressful situations, too. It was good thinking on your part to grab the row end. Nothing wrong with being strategic. :)


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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