More Panic Attacks and All Kinds of Exposure Therapy!

Last week I had a horrific panic attack.  Just so bad.

I’ve wanted to come type it out but every time I have a minute, I decide I don’t have time to deal with it just yet.

The problem is that I NEED to deal with it and figure it out.

But I have been working so many hours the past few weeks, I am on overload and barely have ANY down time. (Which I’m sure contributed.)

But then since time is so short, I dont want to ruin the precious few free minutes I have by drudging through that drama.  I dont want to get all worked up about it and then have to run off and do something else that may just result in a panic attack.  I dont think that dissecting it right before I run off to another stressful event is a good idea.

So I will type that out later.  Hopefully soon.

The next few days have many potential panic-attack-inducing situations….

Wednesday – Kid1 has to catch a charter bus bright and early for a leadership competition in another town.  That means I need to leave the house at 6:45 to get her there.  My latest, quite fabulous panic attacks  (yes, more than one – kind of like a mini series!) was in the town I need to take her to.  And on the roads I need to drive to get her there.  I’m worried about getting ativan in me early enough for it to be working before we get to there.   Yes, I will be setting my alarm for 5Am just so I can get up and take ativan.  What a life I live.

Then I plan to stay in town and do some Christmas shopping.  Including one place I had a panic attack that day….  And yes through the parking lot where I completely freaked out.

And my sister is going with me to look at an exercise bike that hubby asked for for Christmas that I found used and hope to get.  So, I’m driving another person in my car, on those roads that I’m so nervous about driving on….  that makes me more nervous.I seriously hope I’m so relaxed from the ativan that none of this bothers me at all!

My shopping/To Do list is huge so it should be fun.  :)

Then Wednesday night is the Christmas concert!  In the auditorium.  I was recently there for a fall sports awards event and I did great.  I have conquered this location I think.  I say that but then these recent panic attacks are so fresh in my mind I’m afraid I will completely freak myself out.  Dear God please be with me at the concert!  I doubt hubby will go so I will sit there myself as usual and that really sucks.  It is what it is though.  Sigh.

Thursday  – The DAY AFTER my big panic attack episode, the basketball team booster lady called and asked me to work the concession stand at the varsity game this Thursday.  I surprised myself by saying yes.  Then I freaked out because I said yes.  But I’m glad now that I did.  It forces me to keep fighting back against the panic monster.  Kid2 in in the jr high basketball team which is why we are involved in this, so she gets to come and help!  (She is not thrilled. )

Also Thursday night is the viewing for my husband’s relative.  I didn’t know the man well but I know his wife pretty good and she is a mess.  Must go to this.  Yes, I must.  I’ll keep telling myself this.  We will stop in at the funeral home before going to the basketball game.

Friday is the funeral.  I seriously hope I do not have to go to this.  Sitting there in those little chairs, trapped.  In a tacky funeral home.  We are a small town and yes our funeral home is gross and tacky.

Also!  My step-dad’s mother died on Sunday.  Still waiting to hear the details of that viewing/funeral.

Exposure therapy at the funeral home!

Did I just make the deaths of 2 dear people about me?  Unfortunately yes. But rest assured that is for my blog only and would NEVER do or say that in real life!

Sunday – I get to go back to the theater!  (Don’t forget the British accent please!)   BFF is going with me and we are sitting with my bro and his wife.  I bought the tickets and you can be damned sure I am taking the one that is the aisle seat!   They are paying me back, but I got online and chose the seats and ordered them and have them in my possession….  hahahahahaha (insert evil laugh here?  lol  I’m in  a weird mood)

We are seeing The Nutcracker.  My little niece is taking ballet and she gets to be a little reindeer that prances on and off the stage – twice I think.  ha.  The nutcracker is something that we saw often as kids.  Sometimes live in small town productions and sometimes we just watched the movie.  I wanted to go this year anyway – since my recent success at the theater!  My family loved when we went to see Annie, but the kids have all gone with school groups to see The Nutcracker and they were bored to death and don’t want to go again.  Plus, I will be missing Kid3’s basketball game and Kid1’s volleyball game.  So hubby is out too cuz he gets to be the taxi for the day.  He probably really didn’t want to go anyway.

When the tickets came in the mail he said “Who is going with you???”   Ha!  I love it!  I hadn’t told him I was going anyway.  Made me proud that I am doing what I want to do, even if my family doesn’t want to!  Yay me moment.

Wow this got long.  I do feel better though.  As soon as I said that I thought of my panic attacks last week and my chest got tight.  Deep breaths.  Ugh.  I really really hate this part of my life.

Anyway, wish me luck this week.  And pray for me if you will :)

Dear God,
Please give me strength.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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